Being in Prison Versus Being a Housewife

  • In prison you get three square meals a day.
    At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.
  • In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
    At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can’t sleep without his latest LEGO creation.
  • In prison you get to watch TV, cable even.
    At home you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.
  • In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
    At home you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.
  • In prison all your medical care is free.
    At home you have to pawn your mother’s silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.
  • In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
    At home you get to clean for days advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.
  • In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.
    At home you get to clean your space and everyone else’s space, too, and what the heck is free time again?
  • In prison you get your own personal toilet.
    At home you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you’re done so you can do something for them.
  • In prison the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
    At home you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else’s, and get yelled at because somebody’s favorite shirt isn’t clean.
  • In prison they take you everywhere you need to go.
    At home you take everybody else where they need to go.
  • In prison the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.
    At home you have to lug around everybody else’s stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.
  • In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn’t.
    At home…
    stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

Cooking Terms

  • Tongue

    • A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

  • Yogurt

    • Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

  • Recipe

    • A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat.

  • Porridge

    • Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words “Putrid,” “hORRId,” and “sluDGE.”

  • Preheat

    • To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

  • Oven

    • Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

  • Microwave Oven

    • Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

  • Calorie

    • Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

Clean with Coke!

Just when you thought you knew everything…

  • To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl. Let the “real thing” sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
  • To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
  • To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
  • To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
  • To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
  • To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.
  • It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

This is why we drink PEPSI products!! We’re too busy CLEANING with the Coke!!

Thirty Minutes to a Cleaner House

You have company arriving in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO?

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. If you’re a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this column is NOT for you.

However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you.

  • Secret Tip 1: Door Locks
    If a room clearly can’t be whipped into shape in 30 days–much less 30 minutes–employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked.

    CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
    Time: 2 seconds

  • Secret Tip 2: Duct Tape
    No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it’s a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.
    Time: 2-3 minutes
  • Secret Tip 3: Ovens
    If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they’re a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company’s coming.
    Time: 2 minutes
  • Secret Tip 4: Clothes Dryers
    Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.
    Time: 2.5 minutes
  • Secret Tip 5: Washing Machines and Freezers
    Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.
    Time: 3 minutes
  • Secret Tip 6: Dust Ruffles
    No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle’s highest and best use is to hide whatever you’ve managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)
    Time: 4 minutes
  • Secret Tip 7: Dusting
    The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around.
    Time: 3 minutes
  • Secret Tip 8: Dishes
    Don’t use them. Use plastic or paper and you won’t have to.
    Time: 1 minute
  • Secret Tip 9: Clothes Washing (EEWWW)
    This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this teen’s mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two …if you turn it wrong side out and, yes, rerun it.

    CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who don’t care if they get in a car wreck.

    Time: 3 seconds

  • Secret Tip 10: Ironing
    If an article of clothing doesn’t require a full press and your hair does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so I’m told, by other disciples of the 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy.
    Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair)
  • Secret Tip 11: Vacuuming
    Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don’t bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway.
    Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only
  • Secret Tip 12: Lighting
    The key here is low, low, and lower. It’s not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.
    Time: 10 seconds
  • Secret Tip 13: Bed Making
    Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime.
    Time: 0
  • Secret Tip 14: Showers, Toilets, and Sinks
    Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.
    Time: 1 minute
  • Secret Tip 15: The Bathtub
    No, don’t clean it. You don’t have time, and your guests aren’t going to look there anywhy. You can use the bathtub to hide all kinds of things from the rest of the house. Just pull the curtain closed and hope nobody looks there. This won’t work on your mother, sadly.
    Time: 3 seconds
  • If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don’t even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home!

The Homeowner’s Guide to Basic Tools

  • Hammer
    In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one’s enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
  • Screwdriver
    The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
  • Phillips Screwdriver
    The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
  • Pliers
    A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
  • Multi-Pliers
    Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in it’s leather sheath and worn on a homeowner’s belt to increase testosterone levels.
  • Electronic Stud Finder
    An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
  • Halogen Light
    A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you’re working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
  • Cordless Drill
    A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
  • Cordless or Cellular Telephone
    The handyman’s 911.
  • Air Compressor
    A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law’s nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
  • Chainsaw
    Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
  • Vise Grips
    A pair of helping hands that doesn’t critique the job you’re doing or offer advice.