- Hammer
In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one’s enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
- Screwdriver
The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
- Phillips Screwdriver
The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
- Pliers
A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
- Multi-Pliers
Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in it’s leather sheath and worn on a homeowner’s belt to increase testosterone levels.
- Electronic Stud Finder
An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
- Halogen Light
A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you’re working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
- Cordless Drill
A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
- Cordless or Cellular Telephone
The handyman’s 911.
- Air Compressor
A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law’s nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
- Chainsaw
Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
- Vise Grips
A pair of helping hands that doesn’t critique the job you’re doing or offer advice.
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