Ten Rules of Housekeeping

  1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
  2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch “The Galapagos Islands” and claim an ecological exemption.
  3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
  4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, “What? And spoil the mood?”
  5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
  6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.
  7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, “I’d love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive.”
  8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that “THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes…”
  9. Don’t bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, “Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident… I haven’t had the heart to clean it…”
  10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, “I clean and I clean and I still don’t get anywhere…”

Building Bill’s House

Now if I were Bill Gates’ contractor we’d have this discussion…

Bill: “There are a few issues we need to discuss.”

Contractor: “Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?”

Bill: “Uh, yeah… the first issue is the living room. We think it’s a little smaller than we anticipated.”

Contractor: “Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date.”

Bill: “We won’t be able to fit all our furniture in there.

Contractor: “Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker.”

Bill: “Stacker?”

Contractor: “Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch… the chairs on the table… etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you’re done.”

Bill: “Uh… I dunno… issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won’t fit. The threads run the wrong way.”

Contractor: “Oh! Thats easy. Those bulbs aren’t plug and play. You’ll have to upgrade to the new bulbs.”

Bill: “And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?”

Contractor: “Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system.”

Bill: “You’re kidding!?”

Contractor: “Nope. Its the only way.”

Bill: “Sigh. Well… I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won’t stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don’t work.”

Contractor: “That’s a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures.”

Bill: “And how do I fix that?”

Contractor: “Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work.”

Bill: “That’s the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?”

Contractor: “Hey, if you don’t like it… nobody made you buy it.”

Bill: “And when will this be fixed?”

Contractor: “Oh, in your next house, which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we’ve had some delays…”

You Know You Need a New Housekeeper When….

  • The good news: Her French maid outfit.
    The bad news: Her beard and mustache.
  • Housekeepers.com instructs you to attach vacuum cleaner and mop to your computer’s USB port.
  • Keeps looking nervously at the TV and asking if you’re planning to watch America’s Most Wanted.
  • Shows up wearing nothing but a strategically-placed feather duster.
  • First question: “Do you fold your towels before you put them away?”
  • “Well, Mr. Kaelin, your credentials check out perfectly. You’re hired.”
  • She’s great with the food budget — but the hamsters are missing and last night’s burgers tasted a bit funky.
  • You find a 4-lb. pork roast under the blanket in the nursery, and the baby wrapped in tinfoil in the freezer.
  • By the time you figured out that your brand-new deluxe model of the Housekeeping-Butler-Maid-o-matic was a bad idea, your wife has left you for the Business-Sportsman-Pornstar 3000.
  • “I’m sorry, but due to a recent federal ruling, I don’t do Windows.”
  • When confronted about nothing being cleaned, insists that “Scrubbing Bubbles does the work so I don’t have too.”
  • She doesn’t do windows, but she *does* do your 14-year-old son.
  • When she is done with your 14-year-old-son, she does your 13 year-old daughter.
  • Well, they don’t call him “Mr. French” because of his accent.
  • Scoot marks on the rug, and you don’t even have a dog.
  • Does windows? Check. Great with the kids? Check. Greets your visitors with, “I KISS YOU!!!!”? Uh-oh.

Diary of a New Cook

Dear Diary,

  • Monday:
    Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it’s fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, “Beat 12 eggs separately.” Well, I didn’t have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
  • Tuesday:
    We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, “Serve without dressing.” So I didn’t dress. But, Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
  • Wednesday:
    I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, “Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.” So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can’t say it improved the rice any.
  • Thursday:
    Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, “Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.” I hunted all over the garden by my mom’s. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
  • Friday:
    Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, “Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it.” Beat it I did, right over to my mom’s house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.
  • Saturday:
    Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I’m sure I don’t know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I though the hen looked real cute. When Bill saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.
  • Sunday:
    Today Bill’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.
  • Monday:
    I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, “Mix well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk.” I just won’t bake bread if I have to double in bulk.

Good night Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bill.

New Blue Cheer

One day Jack decided that he was going to show the world his new Blue Cheer laundry detergent. He went up to this lady’s house and asked if he could wash some of her clothes. She agreed. “Okay lady, I will need a blouse, socks, a pair of your dirty underwear and two bowls of water.” “Alright, hold on a second,” and she went to get those things.


The lady smelled her blouse and said, “Oh my, this does smell good! Here try my socks!”


The lady smelled her socks and said, “Wonderful! Here try my underwear!”



Maxine’s Top Ten Tips to Entertaining

  1. When one hosts a dinner party, it is essential that all the place mats match, or, at the very least, that they all come from the same fast-food restaurant.
  2. Entertaining in your backyard? The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who’s muscular and shirtless.
  3. My favorite party game is “Pin the Cleanup on the Guests.”
  4. Nothing in the world is quite so entertaining as pouring old milk into new containers before having guests over.
  5. A good host must always be a STICKLER for attractive food presentation! I always take the foil COMPLETELY OFF the TV dinner before serving.
  6. Getting your home in tiptop shape for a party can be fun if you think of it as kicking dust bunny tail!
  7. Take short cuts! I used to offer my guests instant coffee. They kept whining for hot water to go with it.
  8. The best way to prepare a roast is to make an aluminum foil tent over your roasting pan. Similarly, the best way to prepare for relatives is to pitch a tent in the backyard and stay there until they leave.
  9. When decorating for a party, be creative with regular household items. Some people might just see a moldy shower curtain with torn eyelets. What do I see? A new tablecloth.
  10. The better you cook, the more likely your guests will return. Which is why I’m not usually too hot in the kitchen.

Signs Found in Kitchens

  • A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
  • No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  • A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
  • If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
  • A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  • Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  • Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
  • A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
  • Help keep the kitchen clean – eat out.
  • Housework done properly can kill you.
  • Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
  • My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.
  • I don’t do mousework! (With a picture of a kitten.)
  • Self cleaning kitchen. Clean up after yourself. Mom’s off duty.
  • This is *my* kitchen. I am the boss! If you don’t believe it…start something!
  • I’m the MOMMY, that’s why!
  • Caution: Cook At Work!

How to be Handy Around the House

  • If you can’t find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it’s an improved screwdriver.
  • Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
  • Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair … but only if you are working alone.
  • Work in the kitchen whenever you can … many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
  • If it’s electronic, get a new one … or consult a twelve-year-old.
  • Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the “on” switch; or just paint over it.
  • Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
  • Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
  • If something looks level, it is level.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
  • Above all, if what you’ve done is stupid, but it works, then it isn’t stupid.

10 Clues That You’ve Gone Overboard On Home Improvement

  1. You’ve built a drive-thru car wash in the second slot of your 2-car garage.
  2. You’ll use any excuse to add a new room onto the house, including needing more space for the newest addition to the family — your daughter’s goldfish Buffy.
  3. Even Martha Stewart has deemed your multi-level, hydraulically-operated kitchen is “a bit overdone.”
  4. You’ve converted the standard stall shower into a “bathing waterfall,” complete with tropical plants.
  5. Your rear-projection, surround-sound TV room can comfortably seat 43, and you’re trying to make arrangements with Universal for first run films.
  6. Your dog has a duplex dog house out back, even though he sleeps in bed with you every night.
  7. The local building department says you can’t add a fourth floor to a house that was originally zoned as a single level dwelling.
  8. You bought and demolished your next door neighbors house to make room for an Olympic size swimming pool.
  9. You’ve installed a small freight elevator going to your attic.
  10. You’ve built an FAA-approved helipad on your roof.
© 1996 Sandy Lindsey

Clean with Coke!

Just when you thought you knew everything…

  • To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl. Let the “real thing” sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
  • To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
  • To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
  • To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
  • To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
  • To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.
  • It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

This is why we drink PEPSI products!! We’re too busy CLEANING with the Coke!!