Signs Bill Gates is Having a Mid-life Crisis

  • Gives his age as “39, version 5.”
  • Hires someone to purchase a sports car and pursue young bimbos.
  • Spends $6 on a new hairstyle.
  • “No, honey. I didn’t say I bought *a* Porsche…”
  • Replaced the animated paper clip Office Assistant with a Hooters waitress.
  • Grows beard and tints it gray to simulate the “look and feel” of Steven Jobs.
  • Keeps buying younger and younger companies.
  • Supermodel eggs? Pffft. Bill’s got him a six-pack of supermodels.
  • “The first rule of Microsoft Club is: Everyone Kisses My Ass In Microsoft Club!”
  • Same as everybody else: Decides to run for President.
  • Ignores his wife to spend time writing inappropriate code for a 16-year-old Apple Lisa.
  • Changed the name of his company to EnormousHard.
  • Joined the Personality Club for Men.

Bill Gates and Hell

Bill Gates passed away and found himself in the ante-room between Heaven and Hell. The admitting Angel was surprised to see him and said there was some sort of mix-up in his file. After unsuccessfully trying to solve the mix-up, the Angel told Bill Gates that they would allow him to make his own choice as to whether he went to Heaven or Hell.

Gates was then seated in front of two computers: one labeled “Heaven” and one labeled “Hell.”

The “Heaven” monitor showed streets paved in gold with many smiling people gathered in clusters singing beautiful hymns. Lovely harp music filled the air and the sky was filled with soft, puffy white clouds.

The “Hell” monitor showed a white sand beach with a sparkling blue ocean gently lapping on the shore. There were many beautiful young women in tiny bikini’s strolling the beach, lying in the sand and playing volleyball and having a lot of fun.

Gates looked at both scenes for awhile and then thought to himself, “Hell really does look pretty great.” He told the Angel he chose to go to Hell, and he was immediately sent down.

Quite awhile later, the admitting Angel was making his customary rounds of Heaven and Hell, checking on the daily routines. He saw Bill Gates and went over to speak to him. Gates was chained to a wall. He was dirty and thin. His body was covered in festering sores and he was groaning in great pain. The Angel said, “You know, I could not understand why you chose Hell when you could have gone to Heaven. You, of course, are suffering the consequences of Hell.”

Gates looked at the Angel with tormented eyes and said, “Where are the beautiful girls? Where is the white sand beach and the sparkling blue ocean? Where is all the fun?”

The Angel said, “Oh, that. Well, you were looking at the MicroHell Screen Saver…”

If Bill Gates Wrote a Book on Wicca

  • The book would be called Windows to the Goddess.
  • Iconology would be a major chapter.
  • A revised edition would be released approximately every 6 months, without which your magik would no longer work.
  • Your broom would crash at least once a week.
  • Cauldrons would be called recycle bins.
  • A Book of Shadows would be called a Folder of Magik.
  • A free high-speed connection spell would come with every book.
  • Every now and then your circle would collapse and you would have to perform the re-boot ritual to get it working again.
  • If you used the more powerful NT Magik, all circles within a 5 mile radius would go down.
  • At least once a month you would have to re-install your spells into your Folder of Magik.
  • You would have to use a start ritual to exit your circle.

Heaven, Hell and Bill Gates

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 2000. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case; I’m going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell.”

Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?”

St. Peter: “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”

Bill: “Fine, but where should I go first?”

St. Peter: “I’ll leave that up to you.”

“Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

“This is great!” he told St. Peter. “If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!”

“Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.

“Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter.

“Fine,” retorted St. Peter, “as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming among hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. “How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?”

“That was a demo,” replied St. Peter.

Building Bill’s House

Now if I were Bill Gates’ contractor we’d have this discussion…

Bill: “There are a few issues we need to discuss.”

Contractor: “Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?”

Bill: “Uh, yeah… the first issue is the living room. We think it’s a little smaller than we anticipated.”

Contractor: “Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date.”

Bill: “We won’t be able to fit all our furniture in there.

Contractor: “Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker.”

Bill: “Stacker?”

Contractor: “Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch… the chairs on the table… etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you’re done.”

Bill: “Uh… I dunno… issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won’t fit. The threads run the wrong way.”

Contractor: “Oh! Thats easy. Those bulbs aren’t plug and play. You’ll have to upgrade to the new bulbs.”

Bill: “And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?”

Contractor: “Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system.”

Bill: “You’re kidding!?”

Contractor: “Nope. Its the only way.”

Bill: “Sigh. Well… I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won’t stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don’t work.”

Contractor: “That’s a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures.”

Bill: “And how do I fix that?”

Contractor: “Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work.”

Bill: “That’s the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?”

Contractor: “Hey, if you don’t like it… nobody made you buy it.”

Bill: “And when will this be fixed?”

Contractor: “Oh, in your next house, which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we’ve had some delays…”

Bill’s Punishment

The US Justice Department, unable to sentence Bill Gates to any meaningful economic fine decided that his punishment would be more severe and sentenced him to eternity in Hell.

Satan greets him: “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Frankly releasing Windows 95 two years early, would by itself, have landed you here. But enough of that.

“You’ve arrived on a day when I’m in a good mood, so I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.” Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are being tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are being chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young woman with an alluring look on her face, at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation thinking he outsmarted the devil, Bill says “I’ll take this option.”

“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan then locks the door. As Satan turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

“That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the best room in the house?”

“That’s what everyone thinks,” snickered Satan. “The vintage bottle of wine you see – It has a hole in it. That beautiful young lady – she doesn’t.”

“What about the PC?”

“Oh, If you look carefully, you’ll see that it crashed!” laughed Satan. “And it’s missing three keys.”

“Which three?”

“Control, Alt and Delete.”

Helping Mr. Bill

For those who are unaware as yet, your friend and mine Mr Bill Gates was hit in the face with a cream pie while in Brussels recently.

  • “Brussels police department, how may I assist you?”
  • “Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie.”
  • “Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?”
  • “No”
  • “Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?”
  • “Bill Gates”
  • “Country?”
  • “The USA”
  • “Native language?”
  • “English”
  • “Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face
    with a pie?”
  • “Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie.”
  • “We’ve had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?”
  • “Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don’t see any custard, so I really don’t think it was a custard pie.”
  • “Have you visited the Prime Minister before?”
  • “Yes”
  • “Were you hit in the face with a pie then?”
  • “No”
  • “Hmm… have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?”
  • “Yes”
  • “Any pies then?”
  • “No”
  • “Okay, well.. let’s try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I’ll wait.”
  • “Just a minute..” <<CLICK>>

The Bill Gates Song

(To the Tune of “the Christmas Song”)

Netscape roasting on an open fire,
Apple begging on its knees,
Photo popping up on Time magazine,
Yes, Bill Gates dreams of days like these!

Everybody knows he’s never fully satisfied,
Throws himself behind each task,
World dominion is his company’s goal.
Well, hey, is that so much to ask?

He knows the world is in his sway,
We’ll buy whatever software he might toss our way,
We’ll surf his Internet, watch his TV,
He’ll take us anywhere we ask him–for a fee.

And so we’re offering this simple prayer,
To Bill and all his MS grunts:
Since we all follow any standard you write,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please, just once!

Entries from Bill Gates’ Diary

  • Invited entire tech support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome.
  • Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn’t do windows — yet.
  • The baby cries constantly. Maybe I’ll buy Fisher-Price.
  • Bought my first Macintosh. It’s sooooo cute!
  • Good day. Found over 15 bucks’ worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters.
  • Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole.
  • Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!
  • Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!
  • Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes.
  • Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.
  • Seventh day: Rested.

Will the Real Bill Gates.. Please Stand Up!

The real name of “the” Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates III. By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:

  • B — 66
  • I — 73
  • L — 76
  • L — 76
  • G — 71
  • A — 65
  • T — 84
  • E — 69
  • S — 83
  • I — 1
  • I — 1
  • I — 1
  • Add them all together and you get… 666!

Some might ask, “How did Bill Gates get so powerful?” Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind’s ultimate and total enslavement??? Before you decide, consider the following:

MS – DOS 6.21 = 77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666

WINDOWS 95 = 87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666