Building Bill’s House

Now if I were Bill Gates’ contractor we’d have this discussion…

Bill: “There are a few issues we need to discuss.”

Contractor: “Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?”

Bill: “Uh, yeah… the first issue is the living room. We think it’s a little smaller than we anticipated.”

Contractor: “Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date.”

Bill: “We won’t be able to fit all our furniture in there.

Contractor: “Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker.”

Bill: “Stacker?”

Contractor: “Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch… the chairs on the table… etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you’re done.”

Bill: “Uh… I dunno… issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won’t fit. The threads run the wrong way.”

Contractor: “Oh! Thats easy. Those bulbs aren’t plug and play. You’ll have to upgrade to the new bulbs.”

Bill: “And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?”

Contractor: “Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system.”

Bill: “You’re kidding!?”

Contractor: “Nope. Its the only way.”

Bill: “Sigh. Well… I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won’t stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don’t work.”

Contractor: “That’s a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures.”

Bill: “And how do I fix that?”

Contractor: “Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work.”

Bill: “That’s the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?”

Contractor: “Hey, if you don’t like it… nobody made you buy it.”

Bill: “And when will this be fixed?”

Contractor: “Oh, in your next house, which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we’ve had some delays…”

Signs You Hired the Wrong Contractor

  • Suspicious increase in number of 1-900-DRILLBIT calls charged to your line.
  • Uses “The Clapper” to turn power saw on and off.
  • Paints the living room with 15,000 bottles of White-Out.
  • Shows up with nothing but a strategically placed power drill and a butt crack the size of the Grand Canyon.
  • Flaming pentacle and mutilated goats in your basement.
  • Comes to work with a Bob Vila lunchbox, complete with crazy straw for the thermos.
  • Left hand: sledgehammer. Right hand: Colt 45 Malt Liquor.
  • On the day the insulation is to be put down, shows up wearing Pink Panther costume.
  • Mike Wallace from “60 Minutes” drops by with camera crew.
  • While painting: “One for the wall, one for me, one for the wall,…”
  • Keeps asking you to “adjust my tool, if y’know what I mean.”
  • His see-through teddy shows that he’s confused Victorian style with Victoria’s Secret.
  • Insists on spackling with his genitalia instead of with a trowel.
  • Runs out of shingles and starts using baloney slices.
  • Insists on trying out the new bedroom… with his entire stable of girlfriends.
  • Spends hours in your bathroom, flushing the toilet and saying, “Well I’ll be goldarned!”