- “If there’s a mechanical engineer on board, or even someone who’s mechanically inclined, please report immediately to the cockpit.”
- Four states and a seatmate’s life story later, you realize the plane is not on I-95 just to taxi to the runway.
- The complimentary beverage is Zima laced with horse tranquilizer.
- “…and a special welcome to the Association of Parents with Colicky Triplets!”
- Relaxing music for take off is Buddy Holly’s Greatest Hits.
- Phish Air’s complimentary bong hits are soured by overwhelming stench of patchouli oil, sweat and nine-year-old Birkenstocks.
- The pilot for your trans-Atlantic crossing? Captain Nemo.
- “And we’d like to welcome all our friends from the Islamic Jihad soccer team…”
- “We only have one peanut, so just suck on it for a minute and then pass it back.”
- During her pre-flight demonstration, the flight attendant accidentally inflates her colostomy bag.
- “In case of a water landing, that tubby guy in seat 19F will double as a flotation device.”
- After a flock of birds slams into your window, and an attack of vertigo, you begin to think “North By Northwest Airlines” was a bad choice.
- “Our in-flight movie this evening will be camcorder footage from my daughter Ashley’s Little League game last night.”
- The pre-flight safety video shows a pair of lips, an ass, and the word “Goodbye” printed in twelve different languages.
- Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
- The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.
- The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is “An apple a day.”
- Your “primary care physician” is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
- “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges” is not a typo.
- The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
- With your last HMO, your Prozac didn’t come in different colors with little “M”s on them.
- You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
- Exam room has a tip jar.
- You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
- The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
- Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
- Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
- Directions to your doctor’s office include, “take a left when you enter the trailer park,”
- 24-hour pre-authorization line is 1-800-GUD-LUCK.
- Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
- Suspicious increase in number of 1-900-DRILLBIT calls charged to your line.
- Uses “The Clapper” to turn power saw on and off.
- Paints the living room with 15,000 bottles of White-Out.
- Shows up with nothing but a strategically placed power drill and a butt crack the size of the Grand Canyon.
- Flaming pentacle and mutilated goats in your basement.
- Comes to work with a Bob Vila lunchbox, complete with crazy straw for the thermos.
- Left hand: sledgehammer. Right hand: Colt 45 Malt Liquor.
- On the day the insulation is to be put down, shows up wearing Pink Panther costume.
- Mike Wallace from “60 Minutes” drops by with camera crew.
- While painting: “One for the wall, one for me, one for the wall,…”
- Keeps asking you to “adjust my tool, if y’know what I mean.”
- His see-through teddy shows that he’s confused Victorian style with Victoria’s Secret.
- Insists on spackling with his genitalia instead of with a trowel.
- Runs out of shingles and starts using baloney slices.
- Insists on trying out the new bedroom… with his entire stable of girlfriends.
- Spends hours in your bathroom, flushing the toilet and saying, “Well I’ll be goldarned!”
- “You want to use the fitting room or try this on at my place?”
- “Check it out — this one’s good for hiding body parts.”
- “You know how we can offer such low prices? We buy direct from Wal-Mart!”
- “Try our new scent — it makes you smell just like Regis.”
- “Last night after work I got lucky on this couch.”
- “Can I take a picture of your feet for my web site?”
- “I live in a dark, greasy space under the escalator.”
- “For today only, you can pay for your purchases with hugs”
- “Have you seen a chimp in boys’ overalls?”
- “If you’re interested, I sell the same junk out of my van, half-price”
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