Martha Haikus

Domestic guru:
Once a corporate giant,
Now Stewart Little.

Yoda said it best:
“Begun, the ImClone wars have.”
Bantha food are you!

Did Martha just goof?
Or could she possibly be
Rotten to decor?

You brighten the lives
Of so many people. Try
Your huge dyke cellmate.

New lines for this fall?
Attention, K-Mart shoppers:
Orange ensembles!

You have brought much joy.
Now you will bring so many
Cigarette cartons.

It’s gauche, perhaps, but
Handy for prison showers.
Bring soap-on-a-rope.

He Shall Overcome

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appeared to be in deep thought and very sad. He was just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. “What’s the matter, dear?” she whispered as she stepped into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looked up from his coffee. “Do you remember 20 years ago when we
were dating, and you were only 16?” he asked.

“Yes, I do” she replied.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”

“Yes, I remember” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?”

“I remember that too” she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”

Prison Pick-Up Lines

  • “Interested in serving HARD time?”
  • “Damn, you are sexy in stripes.”
  • “Don’t you prefer dropping bar soap instead of that liquid crap?”
  • “Is that a zip-gun carefully carved out of a piece of discarded metal found on the floor of the prison license-plate manufacturing shop in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?”
  • “You know, normally I don’t give in the first 30 seconds, but I guess I’m a sucker for sheer muscle mass.”
  • “Nice teeth. They’d look so much better on my the floor of my cell.”
  • “Who wants to marry a multiple murderer?”
  • “I’ve been watching you from across the yard for awhile now, and I knew if I didn’t work up the courage to just walk over here and ask you to be my bitch, I might regret it for the rest of my life.”
  • “Due to a recent execution, I now have an opening for my prison bitch.”
  • “Bread, water or me?”
  • “Stop by my cell later for a Lethal Injection.”
  • “Hold still while I staple this centerfold to the back of your head.”
  • “Did you order the Soap Drop soup?”
  • “That orange jumpsuit really brings out the red in your freshly-healed knife wound.”
  • “Cinemax3 is doing another one of those Women In Prison movies soon…Wanna audition in my cell?”
  • “Wanna attend a chain gang bang?”
  • “Care to give Prisoner Johnson a weekend furlough?”
  • “You’re new here… let me debrief you and introduce you to the penal system.”
  • “You look even better in person than you did on America’s Most Wanted.”
  • “If looks could kill, you’d get 25 to life.”
  • “You’re getting your GED… wow, that makes me so H.O.T.!!”
  • “Is your name ‘Escape Tunnel’? Because I’ve been digging you all night.”

An Inmate’s Last Wish

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him.

But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn’t want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

“No,” the inmate said, “just get it over with.”

“Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?” said the guard. “You didn’t even want a special last meal!”

The inmate thought. “Actually,” he said, “Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions.”

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, “One billion bottles of beer on the wall…”

Frivolous Lawsuits by Inmates

America’s jailbirds don’t give up. Disappointed by the criminal justice system, this plucky lot still has faith in the civil side. Last year, the states spent $81 million defending what state attorneys general called frivolous lawsuits. Here are a few favorites:

  • A Virginia inmate tried to sue himself for $5 million on the grounds that he had gotten drunk and caused himself to violate his religious beliefs by committing a crime. Because he had no money, he wanted the state to pay the $5 million.
  • A convicted New York rapist sued the state, claiming he lost sleep and suffered headaches and chest pains after being given a “defective haircut” by an unqualified barber.
  • A Nevada inmate sued when he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter at the Nevada State Prison canteen and received one chunky and one creamy.
  • A San Quentin death row inmate sued California, claiming his civil rights were violated because his packages were sent via UPS rather than the U.S. Postal Service.
  • An Oklahoma inmate alleged his religious freedoms were violated but could not say just how, because the main tenet of his faith was that all its practices were secret.
  • An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a pizza party that prison employees held for a guard leaving his job.
  • An Indiana prisoner sued because he wanted to obtain Rogain for his baldness.
  • An Ohio inmate sued for being denied possession of soap on a rope.
  • An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to country music.
  • A Colorado con sued for early release because “everyone knows a con only serves about three years of a 10-year sentence.”

Being in Prison Versus Being a Housewife

  • In prison you get three square meals a day.
    At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.
  • In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
    At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can’t sleep without his latest LEGO creation.
  • In prison you get to watch TV, cable even.
    At home you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.
  • In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
    At home you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.
  • In prison all your medical care is free.
    At home you have to pawn your mother’s silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.
  • In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
    At home you get to clean for days advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.
  • In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.
    At home you get to clean your space and everyone else’s space, too, and what the heck is free time again?
  • In prison you get your own personal toilet.
    At home you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you’re done so you can do something for them.
  • In prison the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
    At home you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else’s, and get yelled at because somebody’s favorite shirt isn’t clean.
  • In prison they take you everywhere you need to go.
    At home you take everybody else where they need to go.
  • In prison the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.
    At home you have to lug around everybody else’s stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.
  • In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn’t.
    At home…
    stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?