Once a corporate giant,
Now Stewart Little.
Yoda said it best:
“Begun, the ImClone wars have.”
Bantha food are you!
Did Martha just goof?
Or could she possibly be
Rotten to decor?
You brighten the lives
Of so many people. Try
Your huge dyke cellmate.
New lines for this fall?
Attention, K-Mart shoppers:
You have brought much joy.
Now you will bring so many
It’s gauche, perhaps, but
Handy for prison showers.
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appeared to be in deep thought and very sad. He was just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. “What’s the matter, dear?” she whispered as she stepped into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looked up from his coffee. “Do you remember 20 years ago when we
were dating, and you were only 16?” he asked.
“Yes, I do” she replied.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”
“Yes, I remember” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?”
“I remember that too” she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”
The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him.
But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn’t want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.
Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.
“No,” the inmate said, “just get it over with.”
“Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?” said the guard. “You didn’t even want a special last meal!”
The inmate thought. “Actually,” he said, “Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions.”
The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.
The inmate started, “One billion bottles of beer on the wall…”
America’s jailbirds don’t give up. Disappointed by the criminal justice system, this plucky lot still has faith in the civil side. Last year, the states spent $81 million defending what state attorneys general called frivolous lawsuits. Here are a few favorites:
- A Virginia inmate tried to sue himself for $5 million on the grounds that he had gotten drunk and caused himself to violate his religious beliefs by committing a crime. Because he had no money, he wanted the state to pay the $5 million.
- A convicted New York rapist sued the state, claiming he lost sleep and suffered headaches and chest pains after being given a “defective haircut” by an unqualified barber.
- A Nevada inmate sued when he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter at the Nevada State Prison canteen and received one chunky and one creamy.
- A San Quentin death row inmate sued California, claiming his civil rights were violated because his packages were sent via UPS rather than the U.S. Postal Service.
- An Oklahoma inmate alleged his religious freedoms were violated but could not say just how, because the main tenet of his faith was that all its practices were secret.
- An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a pizza party that prison employees held for a guard leaving his job.
- An Indiana prisoner sued because he wanted to obtain Rogain for his baldness.
- An Ohio inmate sued for being denied possession of soap on a rope.
- An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to country music.
- A Colorado con sued for early release because “everyone knows a con only serves about three years of a 10-year sentence.”