A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says “Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender says “Geez! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
“Yeah, my wife…”
Ole was sitting at the bar, getting pretty sloshed, and mentioned something about Lena being out in the car. After quite a while, the bartender became concerned about Lena, as it was cold out, and went outside to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw Ole’s buddy, Sven, really going at it with Lena.
The bartender shook his head and returned to the bar. He walked over to Ole and told him that he thought it might be a good idea to run out to the car and check on Lena.
Ole staggered off the barstool, went outside to the car, and sure enough, there were Sven and Lena, still going at it. Ole walks back into the bar, laughing and laughing.
The bartender asked him what was so funny. Ole said, “That damned Sven! He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies.
“Tsk Tsk!” said the passerby to himself. “What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help.” So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, “What are you doing, my friend?”
“Fishin’, eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?”
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, “Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?”
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, “You are the sixth today, sir!”
There was this guy, let’s call him Mike. One night Mike went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.
After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.
Later that night, Mike was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he thought, “Wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!” Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.
This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, “Do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?”
And the bartender said to another person that was there, “Hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!”
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”