News from 2029

  • Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language.
  • Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
  • Baby conceived naturally; scientists stumped.
  • Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
  • Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
  • Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
  • France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
  • Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
  • George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
  • Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
  • 85-year, $758 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
  • Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
  • Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed; they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
  • Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
  • Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
  • Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
  • New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
  • Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
  • Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
  • IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
  • Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Future News for the Election

Dateline Wash D.C Dec. 30, 2004

December 30, 2004 / Washington, D.C. (Associated Press)

After four years of legal wrangling, George W. Bush was finally declared the winner of the 2000 presidential election yesterday.

Bush, a Republican, will take the oath of office at noon today and serves until Jan. 20, 2005, a term of about three weeks. Then he gives way to the winner of the 2004 presidential election, New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Greenspan (formerly Clinton).

Facing a drastically shortened presidency, Bush attempted to strike an optimistic tone last night. “We have a lot to accomplish in the next three weeks,” Bush said. “Reforming Social Security alone is probably going to eat up four or five hours. Let’s get to work!”

Aides yesterday were calling temporary employment agencies in a frantic effort to fill Cabinet posts. Bush’s victory ends a four-year court battle between him and Democratic candidate Al Gore over the results of the 2000 election.

While the dispute raged on, the nation installed an interim president – New York Yankees Manager Joe Torre. Torre admitted that running a country and a baseball team simultaneously has been a strain. “At times, it’s been difficult to keep the two things straight. Although, in retrospect,trading Jesse Helms to the Red Sox turned out OK.”

Torre’s four years in office were marked by continued prosperity at home and relative calm abroad. His most controversial move was appointing Yankees bench coach Don Zimmer to the Supreme Court. Critics charged that Zimmer lacked experience. He also spit tobacco juice on Antonin Scalia’s shoes, angering conservatives. Torre’s boldest foreign policy initiative was making Cuba the 51st state in an effort to improve U.S. pitching.

Torre was planning to vacate the White House by midnight tonight, with Bush moving in immediately.

Eager to give an aura of permanency to his three-week administration, Bush rebuffed suggestions that he sleep on a bare mattress on the floor and live out of suitcases.

Gore, meanwhile, has yet to concede defeat. The former vice president issued a statement today saying, “It would be improper and disrespectful to the democratic process to act hastily before all the facts are known.” The legal tangle over the 2000 election began with a Gore lawsuit over the confusing design of ballots in Florida. When the courts sided with Gore, Bush filed suit, arguing that the Oregon results were invalid because some ballots were yellow and others pink. Gore countersued, charging that the West Virginia results should be thrown out because some people failed to receive “I Voted Today” stickers.

Through the years, various officials proposed compromises to resolve the impasse. All were rejected, including:

  • Establishing a co-presidency, with the two men sharing duties and splitting the White House. Although never implemented, the idea gave rise to a hit TV show, East Wing, West Wing.
  • Establishing temporarily separate nations, with each candidate ruling the states he won in the 2000 election. Gore, who failed to carry his native Tennessee, balked at the idea because it would mean showing a passport every time he went home.

Observers said the biggest challenge for the Bush administration will be working with Congress, which adjourns tomorrow and isn’t expected back until after Bush’s term ends. “One day may not be quite enough time to overhaul the tax system,” a Bush aide admitted. “But maybe we can get started and then finish it later with a big conference call or something.”

Meanwhile, Bush also must work on his legacy and prepare to transfer power to President-elect Greenspan. She yesterday wished Bush well and asked if she could start moving some boxes into the White House basement.

Overheard in 2999…

  • “Thank you for calling Dell. All operators are currently helping other customers. You have been on hold for approximately… one… thousand… years….”
  • “Senator Thurmond, your wife is on line 3.”
  • “Another Christmas like this, and just may turn a profit!”
  • “Chris White, you have been defrosted to stand judgment for the recently discovered document known as ‘The Rejected Hurricane Name List’.”
  • “I found it on the Galactinet — I think it’s a picture of how humans used to reproduce.”
  • “Hi, I’m Dick Clark, here to count you down into the new millennium!”
  • “I did *not* have cybersex with that netbot.”
  • “Okay, I’ll go over it one more time: It doesn’t really start until January 1, *3001* because…”
  • “Middle East peace talks have been put on hold once again…”
  • “25,000 zelgers, same as on Mars.”
  • “We at NASA cannot be discouraged by this recent failure, and we are fully confident that our next manned mission to Mars will be a complete success.”
  • “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of Islam…”

Trivia Questions from the Year 2100

  • What was the original name of the Russian island off the coast of Florida?
  • When did New York City become the 52nd state?
  • When was the national capital moved from Washington D.C. to Montana?
  • What was money? When did they discontinue making currency under ten dollars?
  • When did the prime rate last drop below 45%?
  • In what year did the first-class postage rate go over a dollar?
  • What are the chances of ratifying the ERA this year?
  • What was the difference between the Ayatollah from Iran and the Iacocca from Detroit?
  • When did the members of Congress first begin to make a million dollars a year?
  • Where was the Panama Canal?
  • How was Three Mile Canyon formed?
  • In what year did Arizona become our western-most state?

Headlines From The Year 2050

  • Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen
  • Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGEDisneyCiscoFordRJRNabiscoExxonMobilof Monopoly Charges
  • 50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss
  • Baby Conceived Naturally
  • It Wasn’t the Cigarettes — It Was the Ashtrays
  • Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past With US President
  • Florida to Be Readmitted to Union
  • Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock
  • Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome young Actor. “This Is True Love,” He Beams.
  • Construction Begins On Grenada War Memorial In DC
  • Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens
  • Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife
  • Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants
  • Younger Generation’s Music Provokes Outrage of Elders
  • DC National Zoo to Receive Rare Cow
  • Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby’s
  • Nursing Home Lawsuit Case: Clinton Denies Candy Striper’s Allegations