Rejected Summer Olympic Events

  • The Marge Schott-put
  • Hide the javelin
  • Tackle the French guy
  • Speed blinking
  • Trouser hockey
  • Synchronized shrugging
  • 100-meter dash with a fat guy on your back
  • Female weightlifter mustache tweezing
  • Pantsless pole vault
  • Lookin’ terrific

Overheard At the Sydney Olympics…

  • “Hell, no, I didn’t win these. I bought ’em on E-Bay from some guy named Spitzer72.”
  • “The Australian team has formed a large dingo on the field… and it’s eating the New Zealand delegation!”
  • “Never date an Australian. If you throw them out, they come right back to you.”
  • “I’m sorry, Sir. If I promise to never say ‘throw another shrimp on the barbie’ again, would you kindly remove your boomerang from my rectum?”
  • “You’d think Brandi Chastain would have at least waited until the torch was lit before ripping her shirt off.”
  • “Hey, you with the mustache — get out of the women’s showers! Oh… sorry, Miss Ling.”
  • “I don’t care if you are in the NBA, everyone pays for their marijuana in this country, mate.”
  • “Suzy, we don’t have to synchronize everything. Can’t I just have 5 minutes in the bathroom by myself?”
  • “The tribe has spoken. Please snuff out your Olympic flame and leave immediately.”
  • “CRIKEY! This javelin being thrown at me is a REAL BEAUT! One false move and I’m impaled and done for!!”
  • “I think somebody should tell the USA shooters that they only need to fire at each target *once*.”
  • “Hey — who’s the smartass throwing shrimp on the Olympic flame?”
  • “I’m not sure it’s wise to carry an open flame around 100,000 Vegemite eaters.”
  • “No, ladies, we do *not* need any volunteers to help towel off the swimmer with the size 17 feet.”

Figure Skating

It is the Olympic men’s figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.

The Judges’ scores read:
Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0

Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple spin and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.

The Judges’ scores read:
Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0

Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his willies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire ‘routine’ getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.

The Judges’ scores read:
Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0

The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, “How the heck can you give that mess 6.0?!”

To which the Irish judge replies “You’ve got to remember, it’s darn slippery out there.

If the Olympics Were Held at Disneyland…

  • Medals placed around winners’ necks by chirping birds.
  • Goofy buys the farm in bizarre archery “accident.”
  • Regulation requiring all rowing event competitors to keep their hands and arms inside the boat at all times results in considerably lower scores.
  • Sprinters legs spin wildly in place before they take off.
  • Hammer Throw replaced with Dwarf Toss.
  • Animatronic John Tesh much livelier than the real one.
  • Donald Duck defects to Busch Gardens.
  • Tinkerbell’s “fairy dust” added to list of banned substances.
  • Animatronic Abe Lincoln wins the Decathalon!
  • $4 Cokes cost only $3.75.
  • New Slogan: “The Sweatiest Place On Earth!”
  • Minnie Mouse and Kerri Strug never seen together… hmmmm.
  • Barbells marked “10,000 Pounds” absurdly easy to lift.
  • A petulant Pluto demands chance to race for record 10th dog biscuit.
  • The Little Mermaid takes home a record 49 gold medals in swimming events.
  • “Gymnastic gold or no gymnastic gold, you’re too short for the rides!”
  • Synchronized swimmers don’t just look goofy — they *ARE* Goofy!