Reasons to Play Golf

Front 9
  • You can play without risk of scandal.
  • Beats mowing the lawn.
  • Carrying clubs is considered socially acceptable.
  • Master the essential language: slice, shank, divot, bogie, green fee, sand trap, deep rough, mulligan, hacker, water hazard, double bogie, difficult lie, flub, handicap, worm burner, triple bogie, and Duffer.
  • Always a doctor nearby.
  • Would you rather do business at the office?
  • Handicap accessible.
  • Two methods to achieve a great score
    a) play as you lie
    b) lie as you play
  • Drop a few shots at the 19th hole.
  • Back 9
  • The worse your game, the better the exercise.
  • “Holistic” stress reduction.
  • Great excuse to take a walk.
  • Work through bad lies without having to run for office.
  • Rather sink a birdie than hook a fish.
  • Putting is such sweet sorrow.
  • Old golfers never die..they just putter out.
  • Drinking and driving is encouraged… especially by your opponents.
  • Having a ball is par for the course.

Never Up, Never In

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf.

She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.

“How much is it?” she asked.

“One hundred and fifty dollars,” he replied.

She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

“But it comes with an inscription,” he said.

“What kind of inscription?” she asked.

“Whatever you wish,” he explained, “but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'”

“OH, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife. “That’s what started the argument in the first place!”

The Miracle Shot

At a golf course, four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left.

The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction. But the ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway.

As they all stood in silent amazement, one man finally asked him, “How on earth did you do that?”

He shrugged his shoulders and said, “You have to know the bus schedule.”

Golf Reminders

  1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
  2. Form a loose grip.
  3. Keep your head down.
  4. Avoid a quick back swing.
  5. Stay out of the water.
  6. Try not to hit anyone.
  7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
  8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
  9. Quiet please… while others are preparing to go.
  10. Don’t take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

Golf Meditations

  • If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
  • When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
  • The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
  • A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.
  • Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
  • The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
  • There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces that are just the way you meant to play them.
  • You can hit a two-acre fairway 10 percent of the time and a two-inch branch 90 percent of the time.
  • Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
  • Hazards attract; fairways repel.
  • A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
  • If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
  • Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.

Golf – The Four Letter Word Explained

  • Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
  • “I wish I could play my normal game…just once.”
  • “Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.”
  • If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
  • Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
  • The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul it again.”
  • A “gimme” can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers…neither of whom can putt very well.
  • An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
  • Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
  • I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.
  • If your best shots are the practice swing and the “gimme Putt”, you might wish to reconsider this game.
  • Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you’ve reached after you’ve reached it.
  • Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
  • Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work… and both are expensive.
  • The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.
  • To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
  • In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers… they shoot a “six,” yell “fore” and write “five.”
  • Swing easy. Hit hard.
  • If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your personality might not be right for golf…it is also just a matter of time before the IRS investigates your business.
  • Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?
  • Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

God and Moses Were Out Golfing

…They were both doing well. Then they came up to the 5th hole.

It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a long shot with a little hook. Right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver.

Then Moses said,”God, everytime you use your driver you always slice it.”

So God said, “If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it.” So he approched the ball, got ready, then hit a long one. It drifted to the right, SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake.

So Moses said, “See God, I told you that would happen. I’ll get it this time but you’ll have to get it next time.” So Moses went out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he went down, picked up the ball, and came back. After that, everything was going fine.

Until the 18th hole straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses hit a nice straight shot down the fairway. Then God took out his driver.

Moses said, “God, last time you used your driver you sliced it. You always slice it.”

And God repeated, “If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it.” So he got up, and hit the ball. Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK!

Moses said, “I got the last one.” So God walked on the water, bent over, picked up the ball.

About this time there was a foursome coming up behind them. One if the guys saw what God was doing and asked Moses, “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?”

Moses replied, “No. He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer!”

Fore Better or Worse

  • In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
  • Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
  • Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
  • Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
  • The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
  • There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
  • Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
  • An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
  • Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

At the Country Club

Shloyme Seltzer has become rich and wants to show off, so he orders his driver to drive him to this new exclusive golf club with his new Cadillac.

Unfortunately a sign at the door unmistakably states that Jews are not permitted access. The driver wants to return home, but not Shloyme!

Shloyme says: “Wait here for me.”

His driver responds: “But don’t you see the sign? They’ll kick you out immediately!”

Shloyme says, “I don’t have to tell them I’m Jewish.” and he leaves for the gate.

So the driver waits… One hour… two hours… three hours. After three and a half hours, Shloyme is kicked out by two body-builder type guardsmen.

The driver asks: “What happened?”

Shloyme says, “Everything was fine until we played hole number eight! Accidentally I shot my ball into one of these ponds. I shouted: ‘Oh, my God, what’ll I do now?’ And then the waters separated and everybody knew…”