Tag Archives: football

At the Game

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Sitting behind a couple of nuns at the football game, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort, to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah, there are only 100 Catholics living there…”

The second guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 Catholics living there …”

The third guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 Catholics living there …”

One of the nuns turned around, and looked at the men, and calmly said, “Why don’t you go to hell, there aren’t any Catholics there.”

Overheard at NFL Training Camps

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  • “How the HELL do they expect me to support my wife AND my girlfriend on just $5 million a year?!”
  • “Be honest. Don’t these pants make my butt look HUGE?”
  • “Does this look infected to you?”
  • “Has anyone here ever SEEN a football?” (Giants and Jets camps only)
  • “Hey, I said XXXXL! Do I *LOOK* like I wear a XXXXXL?!?”
  • “Look, kid… no $100, no autograph. Now get lost, ya little leech!”
  • “Listen, rookie, there’s a big difference between a sportsman-like pat on the ass and copping a feel!”
  • “Idiot! Wilhelm Tiselius was Europe’s foremost biochemist! What the hell’d they teach in college?”
  • “Has anyone seen my spleen?”
  • “That’s chump change! *My* contract caused a $5.00 jump in ticket prices.”
  • “Fellas, be reasonable. Everybody can’t room with Irvin.”
  • “Quick! Pull my finger!”
  • “No, no, no. It’s RIGHT hand out palm down, THEN left hand out palm down…”
  • “Hey Rookie, go run an Irvin and meet us back at the hotel.”
  • “Dammit! I just finished paying for that knee!”

Football Fans

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A Viking Fan, a Bears Fan, and a Packer Fan were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The Viking Fan finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands… clear up to his elbows… he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, “I graduated from the University of Minnesota, and they taught us to be clean.”

The Bears Fan finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, “I graduated from the University of Illinois, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious.”

The Packer Fan zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, “I graduated from the University of Wisconsin, and they taught us not to pee on our hands.”

Guess What They are Talking About

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  • The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
  • He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
  • He’s off to the sidelines for a quick blow!
  • It’s a game of inches.
  • That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
  • When you get down in this area, you gotta just start pounding it.
  • He’s gonna feel that one tomorrow.
  • He found his tight end.
  • End around!
  • He had to stretch to get it in!
  • He gets penetration into their backfield!
  • He blows them off!
  • He bangs it in!
  • He could go all the way!
  • He gets it off just in time!
  • He goes deep!
  • He found a hole and slid through it!
  • He pounds it in!
  • He beats them off at the movement of the ball
  • He’s got great hands!

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Football — Now aren’t you embarrassed!

The Difference In Football Between the North and South

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  • WOMEN’S ATTIRE
    • Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket.
    • Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary, that’s what dates are for.
  • STADIUM SIZE
    • Up North: College football stadiums hold 20,000.
    • Down South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000.
  • FATHERS
    • Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath.
    • Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
  • ATTIRE
    • Up North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt and jeans.
    • Down South: Male – press khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Justin Ropers. Female – ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford shirt.
  • ALUMNI
    • Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.
    • Down South: Take prospects on fishing trip so they don’t leave for the NFL their senior year.
  • CAMPUS DECOR
    • Up North: Statues of founding fathers.
    • Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners.
  • HOMECOMING QUEEN
    • Up North: Also a Physics Major
    • Down South: Also Miss USA.
  • HEROES
    • Up North: Mario Cuomo
    • Down South: “Bear” Bryant
  • GETTING TICKETS
    • Up North: 5 minutes before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.
    • Down South: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.
  • FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME
    • Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday.
    • Down south: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don’t want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class on Friday.
  • PARKING
    • Up North: An hour before game time the University opens the campus for game parking.
    • Down South: RV’s sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday.
  • GAME DAY
    • Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
    • Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting on Game Day “live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots up North who wonder why game day is never broadcast from their campus.
  • TAILGATING
    • Up North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
    • Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Jerry Jeff Walker, who comes over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon.
  • GETTING TO THE STADIUM
    • Up North: You ask “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it, you walk right in with no line.
    • Down South: When your near it, you’ll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city.
  • CONCESSIONS
    • Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.
    • Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team’s mascot — filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.
  • WHEN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED
    • Up North: Stands are less than half full.
    • Down South: 100,000 fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.
  • THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE
    • Up North: Nothing Changes!
    • Down South: Fireworks with a twist of bourbon.
  • COMMENTARY (MALE)
    • Up North: “Nice Play.”
    • Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!!”
  • COMMENTARY (FEMALE)
    • Up North: “My, this is a violent sport.”
    • Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!!”
  • ANNOUNCERS
    • Up North: Paid.
    • Down South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
  • AFTER THE GAME
    • Up North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
    • Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week’s game.

White Powdery Substance?

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The Colorado Buffaloes afternoon football practice was delayed on Monday for nearly 2 hours. One of the players while on his way to practice happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown powdery substance on the field. CU head coach, Gary Barnett immediately suspended practice while the FBI determined that the white powdery substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI special agents decided that the team was unlikely to encounter that substance again.

University Entrance Exam – Football Player Version

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Time Limit: 3 weeks

  1. Foreign Language: What Language is spoken in France?

  2. History: Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law, and social conditions
    -OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

  3. Literature: Would you ask William Shakespeare to
    1. build a bridge
    2. sail the ocean
    3. lead an army or
    4. WRITE A PLAY
  4. Religion: What religion is the Pope?
    1. Jewish
    2. Catholic
    3. Hindu
    4. Polish
    5. Agnostic (circle only one)
  5. Metric Conversion: How many feet equal 0.0 meters?
  6. Physics: What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
  7. Religion: How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
  8. Geography: What are people in America’s far north called?
    1. Westerners
    2. Southerners
    3. Northerners
  9. American History: Spell Bush, Carter, and Clinton.
  10. European History: Six kings of England have been called George, last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
  11. Natural Science: Where does rain come from?
    1. Macy’s
    2. a 7-11
    3. Canada
    4. the sky
  12. Advanced Physics: Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity?
    1. yes
    2. no
  13. Philosophy: What are coat hangers used for?
  14. Political Science: The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

  15. Physics: Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR-
    Spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

  16. Architecture: Where is the basement in a three story building located?
  17. Agricultural Science: Which part of America produces the most oranges?
    1. New York
    2. Florida
    3. Canada
    4. Wisconsin
  18. Advanced Math: If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
  19. Communications: What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
  20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
    1. B.C.
    2. A.D.
    3. still waiting

    21. You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.