A Naughty Little Poem

I’m sure you can imagine
As plain as can be
The place is Piccadilly
The players He and She.

She whispered, “Will it hurt me?”
“Of course not,” answered he.
“It’s a very simple process,
You can rely on me.”

She said, “I’m very frightened,
I’ve not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore.”

Then finally contented
Lay back and relax a bit
Quickly and readily he bent over her
And then he started it.

It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been quite a size.

“Calm yourself,” he whispered
His face was filled with a grin
“Try and open a bit wider
So I can get it in.”

“It’s coming now,” he whispered
“I know,” she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said “I am glad I am having this.”

And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.

She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said “I’m glad I came now.
You made it worth my while.”

Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It’s just your dirty mind!


Practice safe fax – use a cover sheet!

Anticipation

He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide…he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms….
And then he stuffed the turkey.

(some of you have SUCH dirty minds!)

Guess What They are Talking About

  • The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
  • He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
  • He’s off to the sidelines for a quick blow!
  • It’s a game of inches.
  • That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
  • When you get down in this area, you gotta just start pounding it.
  • He’s gonna feel that one tomorrow.
  • He found his tight end.
  • End around!
  • He had to stretch to get it in!
  • He gets penetration into their backfield!
  • He blows them off!
  • He bangs it in!
  • He could go all the way!
  • He gets it off just in time!
  • He goes deep!
  • He found a hole and slid through it!
  • He pounds it in!
  • He beats them off at the movement of the ball
  • He’s got great hands!

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Football — Now aren’t you embarrassed!

About That Cigarette Lighter…

Sharon who was a heavy smoker invested in a cigarette lighter to economise in matches. After a short time it began to give her trouble.

So she spoke to Martin who had one, having just seen him light a cigarette with it and put it in his pocket.

Sharon: “Now be a dear, and tell me about that thing you have there in your trousers.”

Martin: (Misunderstanding her and feeling a bit embarrassed) “I’m not used to discussing such things with ladies.”

Sharon: “Now there is no need to be shy. Tell me, how does yours work? Do you jerk it up and down?”

Martin: “Oh, sometimes…”

Sharon: “Then it’s different from mine, just opens and shuts. Do you rub yours up and down until something comes?”

Martin: “Oh yes, especially in cold weather.”

Sharon: “Have you ever tried pulling your wick and dipping it?”

Martin: “No, most certainly not!”

Sharon: “Oh. You should, it does it good. You never soaked it before then?”

Martin: “Of course I haven’t.”

Sharon: “You should try it then sometimes, it takes the stiffness out of it.”

Martin: “Er, well… I’m afraid that you are a naughty girl.”

Sharon: (Thinking he referred to smoking) “Oh, every girl does it now a days anyway. What about your wick, is it a long one?”

Martin: “Yes, it is rather on the long side.”

Sharon: “I think I will have to try a bigger one because the one I use does not seem to go far enough to do any good. Does yours go red on the end when it’s dry?”

Martin: “Yes.”

Sharon: “So does mine. In the past mine has been giving me much trouble. Would you like to have a look at it?”

Martin: “No no, not now. We had better wait until it’s dark.”

Sharon: “Don’t be ridiculous, you can see much better in the daylight. It has been leaking these past few days so I have put a rag around it. I’ll unwind it now (opening her handbag and producing her lighter). Look, here it is (dashing her lighter). It has run out again, damn… now I’ll have to go back to matches.”

Martin collapses.