The Difference In Football Between the North and South

  • WOMEN’S ATTIRE
    • Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket.
    • Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary, that’s what dates are for.
  • STADIUM SIZE
    • Up North: College football stadiums hold 20,000.
    • Down South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000.
  • FATHERS
    • Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath.
    • Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
  • ATTIRE
    • Up North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt and jeans.
    • Down South: Male – press khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Justin Ropers. Female – ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford shirt.
  • ALUMNI
    • Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.
    • Down South: Take prospects on fishing trip so they don’t leave for the NFL their senior year.
  • CAMPUS DECOR
    • Up North: Statues of founding fathers.
    • Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners.
  • HOMECOMING QUEEN
    • Up North: Also a Physics Major
    • Down South: Also Miss USA.
  • HEROES
    • Up North: Mario Cuomo
    • Down South: “Bear” Bryant
  • GETTING TICKETS
    • Up North: 5 minutes before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.
    • Down South: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.
  • FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME
    • Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday.
    • Down south: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don’t want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class on Friday.
  • PARKING
    • Up North: An hour before game time the University opens the campus for game parking.
    • Down South: RV’s sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday.
  • GAME DAY
    • Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
    • Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting on Game Day “live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots up North who wonder why game day is never broadcast from their campus.
  • TAILGATING
    • Up North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
    • Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Jerry Jeff Walker, who comes over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon.
  • GETTING TO THE STADIUM
    • Up North: You ask “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it, you walk right in with no line.
    • Down South: When your near it, you’ll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city.
  • CONCESSIONS
    • Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.
    • Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team’s mascot — filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.
  • WHEN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED
    • Up North: Stands are less than half full.
    • Down South: 100,000 fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.
  • THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE
    • Up North: Nothing Changes!
    • Down South: Fireworks with a twist of bourbon.
  • COMMENTARY (MALE)
    • Up North: “Nice Play.”
    • Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!!”
  • COMMENTARY (FEMALE)
    • Up North: “My, this is a violent sport.”
    • Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!!”
  • ANNOUNCERS
    • Up North: Paid.
    • Down South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
  • AFTER THE GAME
    • Up North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
    • Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week’s game.