- You dance and it makes the band skip.
- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
- Your driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.”
- You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
- You could sell shade.
- Your blood type is Ragu.
- You need an appointment to attend an ‘open house’.
A fellow was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
“Guaranteed. Yeah right!” he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there’s a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a
pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, “I like the way this company does business!”
The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 pounds as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me, you can have me.”
He’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 pounds as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. “Are you sure?”, asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”
“Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”
The next day there’s a knock at the door and when he opens it he find Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,——–
“If I catch you, I can have you.”
Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there
While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps
had just settled down to sugar-borne naps
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
tore open the icebox then threw up the sash
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
sent thoughts of a binge to my body below
When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick
The sweet-coated santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
now dash away pounds now dash away all
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
my clothes were all bulging from too much excess
My droll little mouth and my round little belly
they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
if temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
in the morning I’ll starve…’til I take that first bite!
- Breakfast – Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth.
- Lunch – Send your secretary out for six “gutbombers” – those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox.
- Afternoon Snack – Drink the Maalox.
- Dinner – Six pack of beer and Kentucky Fried Chicken three-piece Dinner, don’t eat the coleslaw.
- Breakfast – Eat the coleslaw
- Lunch – Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
- Dinner – Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho’s.
- Breakfast – Jaws couldn’t eat Breakfast after a night at El Flasho’s.
- Lunch – Rolaids and a coke.
- Dinner – Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps.
- Breakfast – Order out for pizza.
- Lunch – Your secretary is out sick, check Monday’s gutbomber sack for leftovers.
- Dinner – Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.
- Breakfast – Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it’s better for you.
- Lunch – Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder.
- Dinner – Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don’t eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.
- Breakfast – Sleep through it.
- Lunch – Ditto.
- Dinner – Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussels sprouts. Don’t eat the brussels sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.
- Breakfast – Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
- Lunch – Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Don’t eat Lunch.
- Dinner – Chicken noodle soup – Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.