The Bachelor Diet

  • Monday
    • Breakfast – Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth.
    • Lunch – Send your secretary out for six “gutbombers” – those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox.
    • Afternoon Snack – Drink the Maalox.
    • Dinner – Six pack of beer and Kentucky Fried Chicken three-piece Dinner, don’t eat the coleslaw.
  • Tuesday
    • Breakfast – Eat the coleslaw
    • Lunch – Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
    • Dinner – Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho’s.
  • Wednesday
    • Breakfast – Jaws couldn’t eat Breakfast after a night at El Flasho’s.
    • Lunch – Rolaids and a coke.
    • Dinner – Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps.
  • Thursday
    • Breakfast – Order out for pizza.
    • Lunch – Your secretary is out sick, check Monday’s gutbomber sack for leftovers.
    • Dinner – Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.
  • Friday
    • Breakfast – Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it’s better for you.
    • Lunch – Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder.
    • Dinner – Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don’t eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.
  • Saturday
    • Breakfast – Sleep through it.
    • Lunch – Ditto.
    • Dinner – Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussels sprouts. Don’t eat the brussels sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.
  • Sunday
    • Breakfast – Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
    • Lunch – Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Don’t eat Lunch.
    • Dinner – Chicken noodle soup – Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.

Definitions of a Bachelor

  • One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.
  • One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
  • One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.
  • One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.
  • One who can forget his mistakes.
  • One who can get into bed from either side.
  • One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
  • One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.
  • One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.
  • One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife interrupt.
  • One who can’t be Spouse-Broken.
  • One who can’t stand the strain of a wife.
  • One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.
  • One who doesn’t have to leave the party when he starts having a good time.
  • One who failed to embrace his opportunities.
  • One who is a free male.
  • One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.
  • One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.
  • One who is known as a Dame Dropper.
  • One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.
  • One who knows all the ankles.
  • One who knows how to hold a woman’s hand so that she doesn’t get a grip on him.
  • One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind upon a leash.
  • One who knows more about Women than Men.
  • That’s why he is a Bachelor.

  • One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
  • One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is…Single!!!!
  • One who looks, but does not leap.
  • One who never chases a woman he couldn’t outrun.
  • One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.
  • One who never makes the same mistake once.
  • One who never met a girl he couldn’t live without.
  • One who never Mrs. Anything.
  • One who never says, “I’ll give you a ring tomorrow!”
  • One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur outstanding.
  • One who prefers ripe tomatoes with little dressing.
  • One who thinks he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.
  • One who travels fastest in a parked car.
  • One who tries to avoid the issue.
  • One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman’s grip.
  • One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.
  • One who washes only one set of dishes.
  • One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.
  • One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in.
  • One who won’t take `Yes’ for an answer.
  • One who would rather change girls than change their names.
  • One who would rather cook his own goose.
  • One who would rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck.
  • One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.

A Bachelor’s Kitchen Guide

  • Freezer Foods:
    • Ice Cream
      • If you can’t tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it’s time to throw BOTH out.

    • Frozen Foods
      • Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

  • In the Fridge:
    • Eggs
      • When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

    • Dairy Products
      • Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway – if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon apetit!

    • Meat
      • If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.

    • Unmarked Items
      • You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.

    • General Rule of Thumb
      • Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

  • On the Shelf:
    • Canned Goods
      • Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of… Very carefully.

    • Potatoes
      • Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

    • The Gag Test
      • Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

    • Bread
      • Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.

    • Cereal
      • It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.

    • Flour
      • Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.

    • Pretzels
      • Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there’s nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago.

    • Raisins
      • Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.

    • Salt
      • It never spoils. However, if you can’t chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.

    • Spices
      • Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.

    • Vinegar
      • If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.

  • Expiration Dates:
    • This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

The Bachelor Commandments

  1. Thou shalt always fool around on your girlfriend (that way when she dumps you you can always get the last laugh).
  2. Thou shalt not hose thy girlfriend’s friends unless you’re sure you can get away with it AND you do it in her bed.
  3. Thou shalt never spend more than $100 without first getting in her pants.
  4. Thou shalt never marry the first girl you hose after getting out of a “slump”.
  5. Thou shalt never admit to being in a slump, it is always a “lull”.
  6. Thou shalt always have beer in the fridge.
  7. Thou shalt always blow off your girlfriend at least once a month to get drunk with your buddies.
  8. Thou shalt always forget to call when performing the previous commandment.
  9. Thou shalt never admit to “hogging,” it is always “a temporary alcohol induced standards derating”.
  10. Thou shalt never go on a blind date with someone described as having “a good personality”.
  11. Thou shalt never turn down steady pussy until it violates number four or number ten.
  12. Thou shalt never eat anything high in fiber or low in cholesterol.
  13. Thou shalt never drink non-alcoholic beer.
  14. Thou shalt never covet thy neighbor’s wife unless she covets back.
  15. Thou shalt always leave the seat up.