- Thou shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.
- Thou shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.
- Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them, for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.
- Thou shall face each problem as it comes. You can only handle one at a time anyway.
- Thou shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.
- Thou shall not borrow other people’s problems. They can better care for them than you can.
- Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!
- Thou shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear different ideas from your own. It is hard to learn something new when you are talking, and some people do know more than you do.
- Thou shall not become “bogged down” by frustration, for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.
- Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.
- Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping. (Why wait?)
- Thou shall not do drugz. (Alcohol lasts longer!)
- Thou shall not steal from K-Mart. (Wal*Mart has a bigger selection!)
- Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism. (Destruction has a bigger effect)
- Thou shall not steal from thy parents. (Everyone knows grandma has more money!)
- Thou shall not get into fights. (Just start them!)
- Thou shall not skip class. (Just skip the whole day!)
- Thou shall not strip in class. (Hooters pays more!)
- Thou shall not think of having sex. (As Nike says just do it!)
- Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street. (Just take them to the middle and leave them!)
- Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat.
- Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.
- Thou shalt not roll in any smelley stuff thy finds in the yard.
- Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises. (I know what thou art doing!)
- Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.
- Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.
- Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.
- Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat’s litter box.
- Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litterbox. (she likes her privacy)
- Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me.
- Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time. (thou has been neutered)
- Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.
- Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow.
- Thou shalt not sniff the crotch of everyone thy encounters.
- Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2am.
- Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.
- Thou shalt refrain from becoming overly affectionate with my mother-in-law’s leg.
- Thou shalt always fool around on your girlfriend (that way when she dumps you you can always get the last laugh).
- Thou shalt not hose thy girlfriend’s friends unless you’re sure you can get away with it AND you do it in her bed.
- Thou shalt never spend more than $100 without first getting in her pants.
- Thou shalt never marry the first girl you hose after getting out of a “slump”.
- Thou shalt never admit to being in a slump, it is always a “lull”.
- Thou shalt always have beer in the fridge.
- Thou shalt always blow off your girlfriend at least once a month to get drunk with your buddies.
- Thou shalt always forget to call when performing the previous commandment.
- Thou shalt never admit to “hogging,” it is always “a temporary alcohol induced standards derating”.
- Thou shalt never go on a blind date with someone described as having “a good personality”.
- Thou shalt never turn down steady pussy until it violates number four or number ten.
- Thou shalt never eat anything high in fiber or low in cholesterol.
- Thou shalt never drink non-alcoholic beer.
- Thou shalt never covet thy neighbor’s wife unless she covets back.
- Thou shalt always leave the seat up.
- I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.
- Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my back.
- Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else.
- Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird.
- Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me embarrassed to be seen with thee.
- Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what’s good for thee.
- Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am in thy bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.
- Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.
- Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor’s house.
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW.
“Excuse me, sir.”
“Is that you again, Moses?”
“I’m afraid it is, sir.”
“What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?”
“How did you guess?”
“I don’t have to guess, Moses. Remember?”
“Oh, yeah. I forgot.”
“Tell me what you want, Moses.”
“But you already know. Remember?”
“Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!”
“Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things you sent me.”
“You mean the commandments, Moses?”
“That’s it. I was wondering if they were important.”
“What do you mean ‘were important,’ Moses? Of course, they are
important. Otherwise I wouldn’t have sent them to you.”
“Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that.”
“What do you mean ‘you lost them’! Are you trying to tell me you didn’t save them, Moses?”
“No, sir. I forgot.”
“Well, my son always saves, Moses.”
“Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though.”
“And did you hear back from any of them?”
“You already know I did.”
“What about the one guy who said he never uses ‘shalt not?’ Can he change the words a little bit?”
“Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn’t change the meaning.”
“And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?”
“Moses, I’ll act like I didn’t hear that.”
“I think that means, ‘no.’ Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?”
“I think that is spamming, Moses.”
“Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don’t even eat that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer.”
“And what he did say?”
“You know what he said. He used your name in vain. You don’t think he might have sent me one of those plagues and that’s the reason I lost those ten things, do you?”
“They’re called viruses, Moses.”
“Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them.”
“We’ll do it the new way, Moses.”
“I was afraid you would say that, sir.”
“Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?”
“You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer.”
“It’s a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?”
“No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?”
“One other thing. Why didn’t you name them frogs instead of mice,
because didn’t you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?”
“I didn’t name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a beatnik if you want to.”
“Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn’t it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?”
“Say goodnight, Moses.”
“Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back.”
“Which ones are they, Moses?”
“Let’s see. ‘Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image’ and ‘Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor’s wife.'”
“Turn the computer off, Moses. I’m sending you another set of stone tablets. How does ‘Same Day Air’ sound?”
- I am thy DOS, thou shall have no OS before me, unless Bill Gates gets a cut of the profits therefrom.
- Thy DOS is a character based, single user, single tasking, standalone operating system. Thou shall not attempt to make DOS network,multitask, or display a graphical user interface, for that would be a gross hack.
- Thy hard disk shall never have more than 1024 sectors. You don’t need that much space anyway.
- Thy application program and data shall all fit in 640K of RAM. After all, it’s ten times what you had on a CP/M machine. Keep holy this 640K of RAM, and clutter it not with device drivers, memory managers, or other things that might make thy computer useful.
- Thou shall use the one true slash character to separate thy directory path. Thou shall learn and love this character, even though it appears on no typewriter keyboard, and is unfamiliar. Standardization on where that character is located on a computer keyboard is right out.
- Thou shall edit and shuffle the sacred lines of CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT until DOS functions adequately for the likes of you. Giving up in disgust is not allowed.
- Know in thy heart that DOS shall always maintain backward compatibility to the holy 2.0 version, blindly ignoring opportunities to become compatible with things created in the latter half of this century. But you can still run WordStar 1.0.
- Improve thy memory, for thou shall be required to remember that JD031792.LTR is the letter that you wrote to Jane Doe four years ago regarding the tax deductible contribution that you made to her organization. The IRS Auditor shall be impressed by thy memory as he stands over you demanding proof.
- Pick carefully the names of thy directories, for renaming them shall be mighty difficult. While you’re at it, don’t try to relocate branches of the directory tree, either.
- Learn well the Vulcan Nerve Pinch (ctrl-alt-del) for it shall be thy saviour on many an occasion. Believe in thy heart that everyone reboots their OS to solve problems that shouldn’t occur in the first place.
- A Gentleman Cat always has an immaculate shirtfront and paws at all times.
- A Gentleman Cat allows no constraint of his person, even loving restraint.
- A Gentleman Cat does not mew except in extremity. He makes his wishes known and waits.
- When addressed, a Gentleman Cat does not move a muscle. He looks as if he hadn’t heard.
- When frightened, a Gentleman Cat looks bored.
- A Gentleman Cat takes no interest in other people’s affairs, unless he is directly concerned.
- A Gentleman Cat approaches food slowly, however hungry he may be, and decides at least three feet away whether it is Good, Fair, Passable, or Unworthy. If Unworthy, he pretends to scratch earth over it.
- A Gentleman Cat gives thanks for a Worthy meal by licking the plate so clean that a person might think it had been washed.
- A Gentleman Cat is never hasty when choosing a housekeeper.
- There is no tenth Commandment.
- Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
- Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
- Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
- Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are transparent.
- Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
- Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
- Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human’s face.
- Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human’s genital region.
- Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.
- Thou shalt not reset thy human’s alarm clock by walking on it.
- Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
- Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
- Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human’s bladder at 4a.m.
- Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
- Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
- Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
- Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
- Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.