Offensive Wedding Behavior

  • Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.
  • Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.
  • Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog.
  • Tell people that you knew the bride before the sexchange operation.
  • Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.
  • Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate for a drug rehab clinic.
  • As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.
  • Ask the bride’s mother to give you a hand job.
  • Give the bride some Bianca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm.
  • Propose a toast to the bride’s nose job.
  • Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from.
  • Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.
  • After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, “Throw your bra, throw your bra…”
  • Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.
  • Tell the rabbi that there’s no money to pay him, and ask if he’ll settle for stupping the bride.
  • Assure the bride’s mother that the groom is “hung like a horse.”
  • Return a bra which the bride left in your car.
  • If there’s a hunchback at a Jewish wedding tell him that he has to wear one yarmulke on his head and another on his hump.
  • When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing, “The Lady is a Tramp.”

Heavenly Email

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When she returned, she told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not.” He thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.”

So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time, too. When the angel returned she went to God and said, “Yes, the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good.” God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because He wanted to encourage them…. give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said……. ?

You didn’t get one either, huh?