Offensive Wedding Behavior

  • Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.
  • Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.
  • Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog.
  • Tell people that you knew the bride before the sexchange operation.
  • Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.
  • Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate for a drug rehab clinic.
  • As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.
  • Ask the bride’s mother to give you a hand job.
  • Give the bride some Bianca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm.
  • Propose a toast to the bride’s nose job.
  • Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from.
  • Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.
  • After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, “Throw your bra, throw your bra…”
  • Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.
  • Tell the rabbi that there’s no money to pay him, and ask if he’ll settle for stupping the bride.
  • Assure the bride’s mother that the groom is “hung like a horse.”
  • Return a bra which the bride left in your car.
  • If there’s a hunchback at a Jewish wedding tell him that he has to wear one yarmulke on his head and another on his hump.
  • When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing, “The Lady is a Tramp.”