Doggie Dictionary

  • Bicycles
    Two-wheeled exercise machines invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
  • Bump
    The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
  • Deafness
    This is a malady that affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
  • Dog Bed
    Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
  • Drool
    It is what you do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
  • Garbage Can
    A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
  • Lean
    Every good dog’s response to the command “sit !”, especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
  • Leash
    A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
  • Love
    Is a feeling of intense affection given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky a human will love you in return.
  • Sofas
    Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
  • Thunder
    This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
  • Wastebasket
    This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

Cat Medical Dictionary

From The Cat Diary
Excerpts from my cat’s diary.
Copyright 2003, Mark Mason, all rights reserved

I think I have a medical career ahead of me. Lately I have been dissecting rodents on my late night cat patrols. Up until now the Big Owner was never impressed with my simply leaving said rodents at his doorstep. Now I fillet the creatures for his convenience hoping he will throw one on the barbeque for the family to enjoy. So far there’s been no luck. Still, I am honing my scalpel skills. Don’t laugh! Cats have practiced medicine long before humans. Many of today’s modern medical terms were based on original terminology from the very first Cat Medical Dictionary.

  • Enema: The black cat next door … He’s not my friend, he’s my enema.
  • Biofeedback: Coughing up two hairballs in one night.
  • Biohazard: Stepping in both aforementioned hairballs.
  • Cat Scan: Do I *really* have to explain that one?
  • Electroshock Therapy: Accidentally walking on the electric stove while it is on.
  • Hemad: Mood of the Big Owner when I drop a hairball on the carpet. In fact, he’s always mad.
  • Histamine: A mean hiss.
  • Mucus: A feline swear word.
  • Perspire: Purring so hard you drool from the mouth.
  • False Positive: Pouring fresh litter over the old to make it appear new.
  • White Cell: The bathroom – Where humans sometimes lock you up.
  • Work-Up: The long minutes preparing to free a hairball.
  • Acute: What I am…Acute Cat.
  • Fuzzy logic: Trying to figure out cat medical terms.

From Cat Diary #3 by Mark Mason. This is part of a great collection of great cat stories, told from the cat’s perspective. For more information please visit the website!

Copyright 2003, Mark Mason, all rights reserved