New Terminology

  • Father
    A banker provided by nature.
  • Boss
    Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
  • Smile
    A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
  • Rumor
    News that travels at the speed of sound.
  • Dictionary
    The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
  • College
    A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
  • Ecstasy
    A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
  • Office
    A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
  • Yawn
    The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
  • Etc.
    A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
  • Committee
    Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
  • Classic
    A book which people praise, but do not read.
  • Marriage
    It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master’s.
  • Worry
    Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
  • Experience
    The name men give to their mistakes.
  • Tears
    The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
  • Atom Bomb
    An invention to end all inventions.
  • Philosopher
    A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
  • Diplomat
    A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
  • Optimist
    A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
  • Pessimist
    A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY
  • Miser
    A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
  • Criminal
    A guy no different from the rest… except that he got caught.
  • Politician
    One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
  • Doctor
    A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
  • Software Engineer
    Someone who is paid for reading this !!!

New Terms for the 90s

  • Blamestorming
    Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
  • Ego Surfing
    Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one’s own name.
  • Swiped Out
    An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. (And it only happens when you only have $.23 cents in your wallet)
  • GOOD Job
    A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
  • Tourists
    People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”
  • Beepilepsy
    The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.
  • SnailMail
    “REAL” mail that the post office actually sends PS. In the US, Personal snail mail has dropped 10% last because of email.
  • Starter
    A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce. Marriage with no kids, no property and no regrets.
    What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
  • Mouse Potato
    The online, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato. ARE YOU ONE?
  • Anonymiss
    The act of forgetting someone’s name immediately upon being introduced.
  • Crough
    To cough during a play or concert, causing other people around you to cough.
  • Jennamnesia
    To be so drunk as to forget you’re the President’s daughter.
  • Bobbityboo
    Mental distress in males inspired by thoughts of surgically-removed penises.
  • Spaffle
    Completely cooked waffle iron runoff.
  • Smealth
    The ability to secretly leave behind body odor in an elevator to be blamed on the next person who enters.
  • Algoria
    Finding one’s Day Planner suddenly very, very, open.
  • Massturbation
    Group phone sex.
  • Dopplersation
    A discussion held by two people who are continuing to move away from each other.
  • Afterblow
    The compulsive need to review the contents of one’s handkerchief following a good nose-blow.
  • Spillisecond
    The fraction of a second in which one may recover a toppled beverage before any liquid spills out.
  • Algebrassierism
    The compulsion to spend time in math class spelling “BOOBIES” on an upside-down calculator.
  • Doglet
    Any breed of dog so small it can be terrorized by the average-sized house cat.
  • Squee-Squee
    The curved line on a windshield caused by a little nick in an old wiper blade.

More New Words

  • Chainsaw Consultant
    An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
  • Cube Farm
    An office filled with cubicles.
  • Idea Hamsters
    People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
  • Computer Potato
    The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
  • SITCOMs (Single Income, Two Children, Outrageous Mortgage)
    What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
  • Squirt the Bird
    To transmit a signal to a satellite.
  • Starter Marriage
    A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
  • Stress Puppy
    A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
  • Swiped Out
    An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
  • Xerox Subsidy
    Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

Words You Won’t Find in the Dictionary

  • Arachnoleptic Fit
    (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
  • Beelzebug
    (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 am in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  • Bozone
    (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
  • Caterpallor
    (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
  • Cashtration
    (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
  • Decaflon
    (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  • Dopelar Effect
    (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
  • Extraterrestaurant
    (n.) An eating place where you feel you’ve been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
  • Faunacated
    (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.
  • Grantartica
    (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.
  • Hemaglobe
    (n.) The bloody state of the world.
  • Intaxication
    (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
  • Kinstirpation
    (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
  • Lullabuoy
    (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
  • Reintarnation
    (n.) Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  • Karmageddon
    (n.)It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like a serious bummer.
  • Sarchasm
    (n.)The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn’t get it.