- Father
A banker provided by nature.
- Boss
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
- Smile
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
- Rumor
News that travels at the speed of sound.
- Dictionary
The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
- College
A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
- Ecstasy
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
- Office
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
- Yawn
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
- Etc.
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
- Committee
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
- Classic
A book which people praise, but do not read.
- Marriage
It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master’s.
- Worry
Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
- Experience
The name men give to their mistakes.
- Tears
The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
- Atom Bomb
An invention to end all inventions.
- Philosopher
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
- Diplomat
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
- Optimist
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
- Pessimist
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY
- Miser
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
- Criminal
A guy no different from the rest… except that he got caught.
- Politician
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
- Doctor
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
- Software Engineer
Someone who is paid for reading this !!!
- Blamestorming
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
- Ego Surfing
Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one’s own name.
- Swiped Out
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. (And it only happens when you only have $.23 cents in your wallet)
- GOOD Job
A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
- Tourists
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”
- Beepilepsy
The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.
- SnailMail
“REAL” mail that the post office actually sends PS. In the US, Personal snail mail has dropped 10% last because of email.
- Starter
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce. Marriage with no kids, no property and no regrets.
- SITCOMs
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
- Mouse Potato
The online, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato. ARE YOU ONE?
- Anonymiss
The act of forgetting someone’s name immediately upon being introduced.
- Crough
To cough during a play or concert, causing other people around you to cough.
- Jennamnesia
To be so drunk as to forget you’re the President’s daughter.
- Bobbityboo
Mental distress in males inspired by thoughts of surgically-removed penises.
- Spaffle
Completely cooked waffle iron runoff.
- Smealth
The ability to secretly leave behind body odor in an elevator to be blamed on the next person who enters.
- Algoria
Finding one’s Day Planner suddenly very, very, open.
- Massturbation
Group phone sex.
- Dopplersation
A discussion held by two people who are continuing to move away from each other.
- Afterblow
The compulsive need to review the contents of one’s handkerchief following a good nose-blow.
- Spillisecond
The fraction of a second in which one may recover a toppled beverage before any liquid spills out.
- Algebrassierism
The compulsion to spend time in math class spelling “BOOBIES” on an upside-down calculator.
- Doglet
Any breed of dog so small it can be terrorized by the average-sized house cat.
- Squee-Squee
The curved line on a windshield caused by a little nick in an old wiper blade.
- Chainsaw Consultant
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
- Cube Farm
An office filled with cubicles.
- Idea Hamsters
People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
- Computer Potato
The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
- SITCOMs (Single Income, Two Children, Outrageous Mortgage)
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
- Squirt the Bird
To transmit a signal to a satellite.
- Starter Marriage
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
- Stress Puppy
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
- Swiped Out
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
- Xerox Subsidy
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.
- Arachnoleptic Fit
(n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
- Beelzebug
(n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 am in the morning and cannot be cast out.
- Bozone
(n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
- Caterpallor
(n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
- Cashtration
(n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
- Decaflon
(n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
- Dopelar Effect
(n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
- Extraterrestaurant
(n.) An eating place where you feel you’ve been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
- Faunacated
(adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.
- Grantartica
(n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.
- Hemaglobe
(n.) The bloody state of the world.
- Intaxication
(n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
- Kinstirpation
(n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
- Lullabuoy
(n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
- Reintarnation
(n.) Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
- Karmageddon
(n.)It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like a serious bummer.
- Sarchasm
(n.)The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn’t get it.
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