Clean with Coke!

Just when you thought you knew everything…

  • To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl. Let the “real thing” sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
  • To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
  • To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
  • To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
  • To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
  • To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.
  • It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

This is why we drink PEPSI products!! We’re too busy CLEANING with the Coke!!

Thirty Minutes to a Cleaner House

You have company arriving in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO?

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. If you’re a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this column is NOT for you.

However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you.

  • Secret Tip 1: Door Locks
    If a room clearly can’t be whipped into shape in 30 days–much less 30 minutes–employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked.

    CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
    Time: 2 seconds

  • Secret Tip 2: Duct Tape
    No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it’s a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.
    Time: 2-3 minutes
  • Secret Tip 3: Ovens
    If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they’re a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company’s coming.
    Time: 2 minutes
  • Secret Tip 4: Clothes Dryers
    Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.
    Time: 2.5 minutes
  • Secret Tip 5: Washing Machines and Freezers
    Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.
    Time: 3 minutes
  • Secret Tip 6: Dust Ruffles
    No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle’s highest and best use is to hide whatever you’ve managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)
    Time: 4 minutes
  • Secret Tip 7: Dusting
    The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around.
    Time: 3 minutes
  • Secret Tip 8: Dishes
    Don’t use them. Use plastic or paper and you won’t have to.
    Time: 1 minute
  • Secret Tip 9: Clothes Washing (EEWWW)
    This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this teen’s mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two …if you turn it wrong side out and, yes, rerun it.

    CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who don’t care if they get in a car wreck.

    Time: 3 seconds

  • Secret Tip 10: Ironing
    If an article of clothing doesn’t require a full press and your hair does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so I’m told, by other disciples of the 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy.
    Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair)
  • Secret Tip 11: Vacuuming
    Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don’t bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway.
    Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only
  • Secret Tip 12: Lighting
    The key here is low, low, and lower. It’s not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.
    Time: 10 seconds
  • Secret Tip 13: Bed Making
    Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime.
    Time: 0
  • Secret Tip 14: Showers, Toilets, and Sinks
    Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.
    Time: 1 minute
  • Secret Tip 15: The Bathtub
    No, don’t clean it. You don’t have time, and your guests aren’t going to look there anywhy. You can use the bathtub to hide all kinds of things from the rest of the house. Just pull the curtain closed and hope nobody looks there. This won’t work on your mother, sadly.
    Time: 3 seconds
  • If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don’t even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home!

The Homeowner’s Guide to Basic Tools

  • Hammer
    In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one’s enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
  • Screwdriver
    The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
  • Phillips Screwdriver
    The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
  • Pliers
    A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
  • Multi-Pliers
    Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in it’s leather sheath and worn on a homeowner’s belt to increase testosterone levels.
  • Electronic Stud Finder
    An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
  • Halogen Light
    A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you’re working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
  • Cordless Drill
    A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
  • Cordless or Cellular Telephone
    The handyman’s 911.
  • Air Compressor
    A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law’s nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
  • Chainsaw
    Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
  • Vise Grips
    A pair of helping hands that doesn’t critique the job you’re doing or offer advice.

ABC Vending Service Complaint Reply Form

Thank you for your inquiry/comments/complaints about our vending service.

___ We are aware that _____________ machine has not been stocked in _____ days.

    ___ We are waiting for the weekend.
    ___ We are out of items that have expired.
    ___ We’re busy, don’t bother us about this.
    ___ We don’t care.

___ We are aware that the price for __________ seems high at $_______ but,

    ___ we have to make a living.
    ___ we use an algorithm 3*retail+your_age.
    ___ we charge others more.
    ___ we adjust it to allow for spoilage.

___ We are aware that

    ___ the sodas are warm
    ___ the milk is curdled
    ___ sandwiches are stale
    ___ gum is hard
    ___ candy bars are petrified
    and assure you that that is the way it is supposed to be, really.

___ We understand that

    ___ the bill changer can’t,
    ___ coin return won’t,
    ___ product selection doesn’t,

    and believe that
    ___ you should relax, it all evens out.
    ___ learn to live with it.
    ___ bring in your own change next time.
    ___ be happy it gave you anything.
    ___ quit eating so much junk food.

Thank you and Happy Eating.

Technical Support Request Form

 1. Describe your problem:

 2. Now, describe the problem accurately:

 3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

 4. Problem Severity:

    A. Minor__
    B. Minor__
    C. Minor__
    D. Trivial__

 5. Nature of the problem:

    A. Locked Up__
    B. Frozen__
    C. Hung__
    D. Strange Smell__

 6. Is your computer plugged in?
      Yes__ No__

 7. Is it turned on?
      Yes__ No__

 8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
      Yes__ No__

 9. Have you made it worse?
      Yes__

10. Have you had “a friend” who “Knows all about computers” try to fix it for you?
      Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse?
      Yes__

12. Have you read the manual?
      Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you’ve read the manual?
      Maybe__ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual?
      No__

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it?
      Yes__ No__

16. If ‘Yes’ then explain why you can’t fix the problem yourself.

17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?

18. If you answered ‘nothing’ then explain why you were logged in?

19. Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem?
      Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00?
      Yes__ What’s a VCR?__

21. Do you have a copy of ‘PCs for Dummies’?
      Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem?
      Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work?
      Yes__ No__

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on?
      Yes__ No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top?
      Yes__ No__

26. Is the machine on fire?
      Yes__ Not Yet__

27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me?
      Yes__

Spice Girls Application

  • Name:
    Age:
    Real Age:
  • How would you best describe yourself?
    ( ) An energetic self-starter
    ( ) A team player
    ( ) A tasty, albeit untalented, bit of crumpet
  • Do you have any detectable vestige of talent, besides your tits?
    ( ) Talent? Wha’s that?
    ( ) You will just have to see for yourself you cheeky monkey!
  • Would it bother you to be the target of unrelenting hatred?
    ( ) No
    ( ) What’s unrelenting mean?
  • “I am willing to trade sexual favours for a career in the music industry.”
    ( ) Yes! Yes! Yes!
    ( ) How many favours do I need to perform? At the same time?
    ( ) What are we waiting for?
  • How many times have you been kicked out of a karaoke bar?
    ( ) All the time
    ( ) They’re just jealous!
    ( ) I’m too good to just sing at karaoke bars!
  • Does nudity bother you? If so, give three excuses for your portfolio.
    ( ) Of course not! I love showing off my hot body!
  • Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual free will in light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical medicine and modern behavioralist psychology. Just kidding!! Seriously, do you like leather mini-skirts?
    ( ) But of course!
  • Are you deceptively attractive in colored or stroboscopic light?
    ( ) Yes
    ( ) Absolutely!
  • Choose an appropriate nickname: (Circle your choice)
    Sexy, Nasty, Sweetie, Syphilis, Lardy, Sickly, Sporty, Slappy, Posher
  • Choose an appropriate image:
    ( ) Cute, blonde, appeals to pedophiles
    ( ) Tub of lard
    ( ) Bloke. In a tracksuit.
    ( ) Vacant stare, no discernible brain activity
    ( ) Terrifying to small children and old men
    ( ) All of the above
  • Do you promise to make one album and then go away forever?
    ( ) Yes
  • If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometers, and 75 kilometers an hour, respectively, how would you look in a bikini? Be prepared to show your answer.
  • If required as part of your contract, would you be willing to help alleviate Prince Charles’s loneliness?
    ( ) Yes
    ( ) Do I have to?
  • In space provided, tell us what you want, what you really, really want

     
     
     
     

News From College

We understand how busy college students can be this time of year. We hope this form letter will help you keep in touch with your parents. Simply check or fill-in appropriate blanks.

Date: ______________

Dear Parent(s),

I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us.

  • Please send:
    __ Money (Cash)!       Amount: _________________________
    __ Food (Cookies)!     Dozens: ___________
    __ Clean clothes!
  • Relationships:

    __ What?
    __ I am in love with myself
    __ I am in love!
    __ I am engaged
    __ I got married last weekend

  • My Roommate:

    __ Worships the ground I walk on
    __ Gave me a black eye
    __ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
    __ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed???
    __ Has fleas

  • My Professors are:

    __ Sadistic water walkers
    __ Mental institution escapees
    __ Brain dead nerds
    __ Super oxygen thieves

  • Latest News:

    __ I wrecked the car
    __ I can’t use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit limit
    __ You are going to have a grandchild
    __ False alarm – you are NOT going to have a grandchild

  • Food:

    __ Is great!
    __ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
    __ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals

  • Health:

    __ I have gained _____ pounds
    __ My roommate is in the hospital with meningitis
    __ My HIV test was: (check one) ____ positive ____ negative
    __ I died yesterday!

  • Grades:

    __ I am making all A’s
    __ I am not being properly challenged
    __ I will be home after this semester

  • I study:

    __ Night and day
    __ All the time
    __ 80 hours a week
    __ Only on Sunday afternoon
    __ None of the above

  • Daily Devotions:

    __ I read my Bible everyday
    __ I can’t read
    __ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars

  • On my last visit home, I left:

    __ My glasses
    __ My paper that was due yesterday
    __ The clothes you washed for me
    __ My (girlfriend’s) birth control pills
    __ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
    __ Other _____________________________________________

    Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue)

  • Laundry:

    __ My white underwear is now _________________
    __ I am saving money by not using detergent
    __ Don’t worry, I washed my clothes last semester
    __ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains

  • My room:

    __ Can pass your “white glove” test
    __ Is only _____% full
    __ Could not be located last Saturday night
    __ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training

  • Parties:

    __ I don’t inhale
    __ I only go to meet people
    __ Haven’t been to one since this morning

  • Hope you:

    __ Miss me
    __ Can live without me
    __ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence

  • Salutation:

    __ Your Daughter,
    __ Your Son,
    __ Yours,

    __________________________________________________
    Signature (Scribble if Pre-Med or Pre-Law)
    Note: Witnesses are not required for your mark (“X”)

The Ms. Right Rejection Letter Form

Dear [____rejectee’s name here_____],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Ms. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your stomach is bigger than mine.

___ Your name is objectionable subjecting my future children to it could scar and yes, scare them for life.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy shoes by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you big boy?” comment, given the 9 months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the faithful check.

___ I find your inability to cook & clean my house extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that you live with your Mother reveals an inherent psychological syndrome that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You mention your ex-boyfriends name more than you mention mine.

___ Three words: looks do matter.

Sincerely,

[Your name here]

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form

Dear (____rejectee’s name here____ ),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (see below)

[Check all those that apply]

  • ___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
  • ___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
  • ___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
  • ___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
  • ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.
  • ___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants.
  • ___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you babe?” comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.
  • ___ You failed the credit check.
  • ___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
  • ___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
  • ___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.
  • ___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to get your High School diploma, are slight negatives.
  • ___ You mention your ex-wife’s name more than you mention mine.
  • ___ Your gift of a 2 oz. Hershey Bar, with almonds, showed style.
  • ___ Three final words…. Size does matter.

Sincerely,

[Your name here]

McDonnell Douglas Customer Satisfaction Form

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

  1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt.
    [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other

    First Name:……………………………………………..
    Initial: ……..
    Last Name:………………………………………………
    Password: ………………………… (max 8 char)
    Code Name: ………………………………………………
    Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ……….. ……….. ……….

  2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
    [_] F-14 Tomcat
    [_] F-15 Eagle
    [_] F-16 Falcon
    [_] F-117A Stealth
    [_] Classified
  3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 20……. /……. /…….
  4. Serial Number:………………………………………….
  5. Please check where this product was purchased:
    [_] Received as gift / aid package
    [_] Catalog showroom
    [_] Independent arms broker
    [_] Mail order
    [_] Discount store
    [_] Government surplus
    [_] Classified
  6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
    [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
    [_] Store display
    [_] Espionage
    [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
    [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
    [_] Was attacked by one
  7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
    [_] Style / appearance
    [_] Speed / maneuverability
    [_] Price / value
    [_] Comfort / convenience
    [_] Kickback / bribe
    [_] Recommended by salesperson
    [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
    [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
    [_] Backroom politics
    [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
  8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
    [_] North America
    [_] Afganistan
    [_] Central / South America
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Aircraft carrier
    [_] Afganistan
    [_] Europe
    [_] Afganistan
    [_] Middle East (not Iraq)
    [_] Israel
    [_] Africa
    [_] Russia
    [_] Asia / Far East
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Misc. Third World countries
    [_] Pakistan
    [_] Classified
    [_] Iraq
  9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
    [_] Color TV
    [_] VCR
    [_] ICBM
    [_] Killer Satellite
    [_] CD Player
    [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
    [_] Space Shuttle
    [_] Home Computer
    [_] Nuclear Weapon
  10. 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply:)
    [_] Communist / Socialist
    [_] Terrorist
    [_] Crazed
    [_] Neutral
    [_] Democratic
    [_] Dictatorship
    [_] Corrupt
    [_] Primitive / Tribal
  11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
    [_] Deficit spending
    [_] Cash
    [_] Suitcases of cocaine
    [_] Trunks of heroin
    [_] Oil revenues
    [_] Personal check
    [_] Credit card
    [_] Ransom money
    [_] Traveler’s check
  12. Your occupation:
    [_] Homemaker
    [_] Sales / marketing
    [_] Revolutionary
    [_] Clerical
    [_] Mercenary
    [_] Tyrant
    [_] Middle management
    [_] Eccentric billionaire
    [_] Defense Minister / General
    [_] Retired
    [_] Student
  13. To help us understand our customers’ lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
    [_] Golf
    [_] Boating / sailing
    [_] Sabotage
    [_] Running / jogging
    [_] Propaganda / disinformation
    [_] Destabilization / overthrow
    [_] Default on loans
    [_] Gardening
    [_] Crafts
    [_] Black market / smuggling
    [_] Collectibles / collections
    [_] Watching sports on TV
    [_] Wines
    [_] Swinging / Orgies
    [_] Watching pornographic videos
    [_] Making pornographic videos
    [_] Interrogation / torture
    [_] Household pets
    [_] Crushing rebellions
    [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
    [_] Fashion clothing
    [_] Border disputes
    [_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future – as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division