Three Blond Guys

Posted on by

Three blond guys are standing on one side of a river near a wishing well, trying to figure out how to cross the river.

The first guy went to the wishing well and said “I want to be smart so I can get across the river.” So the wishing well made his hair brown. Then he swam across the river.

The second guy went up to the wishing well and said, “I want to be smarter. And I don’t want to get wet like that first guy.” After his hair turned black he built a boat and sailed across the river.

The third guy went to the well and said, “I want to be the smartest of all. I don’t want to get wet, and don’t want to work too hard at this.” The well turned him into a woman and she walked across on the bridge.

You Know You Need a New Housekeeper When….

Posted on by

  • The good news: Her French maid outfit.
    The bad news: Her beard and mustache.

  • Housekeepers.com instructs you to attach vacuum cleaner and mop to your computer’s USB port.
  • Keeps looking nervously at the TV and asking if you’re planning to watch America’s Most Wanted.
  • Shows up wearing nothing but a strategically-placed feather duster.
  • First question: “Do you fold your towels before you put them away?”
  • “Well, Mr. Kaelin, your credentials check out perfectly. You’re hired.”
  • She’s great with the food budget — but the hamsters are missing and last night’s burgers tasted a bit funky.
  • You find a 4-lb. pork roast under the blanket in the nursery, and the baby wrapped in tinfoil in the freezer.
  • By the time you figured out that your brand-new deluxe model of the Housekeeping-Butler-Maid-o-matic was a bad idea, your wife has left you for the Business-Sportsman-Pornstar 3000.
  • “I’m sorry, but due to a recent federal ruling, I don’t do Windows.”
  • When confronted about nothing being cleaned, insists that “Scrubbing Bubbles does the work so I don’t have too.”
  • She doesn’t do windows, but she *does* do your 14-year-old son.
  • When she is done with your 14-year-old-son, she does your 13 year-old daughter.
  • Well, they don’t call him “Mr. French” because of his accent.
  • Scoot marks on the rug, and you don’t even have a dog.
  • Does windows? Check. Great with the kids? Check. Greets your visitors with, “I KISS YOU!!!!”? Uh-oh.

Being in Prison Versus Being a Housewife

Posted on by
  • In prison you get three square meals a day.
    At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.

  • In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
    At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can’t sleep without his latest LEGO creation.

  • In prison you get to watch TV, cable even.
    At home you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

  • In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
    At home you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.

  • In prison all your medical care is free.
    At home you have to pawn your mother’s silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

  • In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
    At home you get to clean for days advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

  • In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.
    At home you get to clean your space and everyone else’s space, too, and what the heck is free time again?

  • In prison you get your own personal toilet.
    At home you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you’re done so you can do something for them.

  • In prison the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
    At home you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else’s, and get yelled at because somebody’s favorite shirt isn’t clean.

  • In prison they take you everywhere you need to go.
    At home you take everybody else where they need to go.

  • In prison the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.
    At home you have to lug around everybody else’s stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

  • In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn’t.
    At home…
    stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

Diary of a New Cook

Posted on by

Dear Diary,

  • Monday:
    Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it’s fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, “Beat 12 eggs separately.” Well, I didn’t have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.

  • Tuesday:
    We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, “Serve without dressing.” So I didn’t dress. But, Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.

  • Wednesday:
    I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, “Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.” So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can’t say it improved the rice any.

  • Thursday:
    Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, “Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.” I hunted all over the garden by my mom’s. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?

  • Friday:
    Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, “Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it.” Beat it I did, right over to my mom’s house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.

  • Saturday:
    Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I’m sure I don’t know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I though the hen looked real cute. When Bill saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

  • Sunday:
    Today Bill’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.

  • Monday:
    I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, “Mix well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk.” I just won’t bake bread if I have to double in bulk.

Good night Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bill.

New Blue Cheer

Posted on by

One day Jack decided that he was going to show the world his new Blue Cheer laundry detergent. He went up to this lady’s house and asked if he could wash some of her clothes. She agreed. “Okay lady, I will need a blouse, socks, a pair of your dirty underwear and two bowls of water.” “Alright, hold on a second,” and she went to get those things.

Jack took the blouse and began to sing while washing it. “WASH, WASH, WASH IN MY NEW BLUE CHEER! RINSE, RINSE, RINSE IN THE CLEAR WATER AND RUN IT UNDER YOUR NOSE! IT SMELLS LIKE A ROSE.”

The lady smelled her blouse and said, “Oh my, this does smell good! Here try my socks!”

“WASH, WASH, WASH, IN MY NEW BLUE CHEER! RINSE, RINSE, RINSE IN THE CLEAR WATER AND RUN IT UNDER YOUR NOSE. IT SMELLS LIKE A ROSE!”

The lady smelled her socks and said, “Wonderful! Here try my underwear!”

“WASH, WASH, WASH, IN MY NEW BLUE CHEER! RINSE, RINSE, RINSE IN THE CLEAR WATER AND RUN IT UNDER YOUR NOSE AND…

WASH, WASH, WASH!”

Maxine’s Top Ten Tips to Entertaining

Posted on by
  1. When one hosts a dinner party, it is essential that all the place mats match, or, at the very least, that they all come from the same fast-food restaurant.
  2. Entertaining in your backyard? The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who’s muscular and shirtless.
  3. My favorite party game is “Pin the Cleanup on the Guests.”
  4. Nothing in the world is quite so entertaining as pouring old milk into new containers before having guests over.
  5. A good host must always be a STICKLER for attractive food presentation! I always take the foil COMPLETELY OFF the TV dinner before serving.
  6. Getting your home in tiptop shape for a party can be fun if you think of it as kicking dust bunny tail!
  7. Take short cuts! I used to offer my guests instant coffee. They kept whining for hot water to go with it.
  8. The best way to prepare a roast is to make an aluminum foil tent over your roasting pan. Similarly, the best way to prepare for relatives is to pitch a tent in the backyard and stay there until they leave.
  9. When decorating for a party, be creative with regular household items. Some people might just see a moldy shower curtain with torn eyelets. What do I see? A new tablecloth.
  10. The better you cook, the more likely your guests will return. Which is why I’m not usually too hot in the kitchen.

Signs Found in Kitchens

Posted on by
  • A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
  • No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  • A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
  • If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
  • A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  • Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  • Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
  • A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
  • Help keep the kitchen clean – eat out.
  • Housework done properly can kill you.
  • Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
  • My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.
  • I don’t do mousework! (With a picture of a kitten.)
  • Self cleaning kitchen. Clean up after yourself. Mom’s off duty.
  • This is *my* kitchen. I am the boss! If you don’t believe it…start something!
  • I’m the MOMMY, that’s why!
  • Caution: Cook At Work!

How to be Handy Around the House

Posted on by
  • If you can’t find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it’s an improved screwdriver.
  • Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
  • Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair … but only if you are working alone.
  • Work in the kitchen whenever you can … many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
  • If it’s electronic, get a new one … or consult a twelve-year-old.
  • Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the “on” switch; or just paint over it.
  • Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
  • Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
  • If something looks level, it is level.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
  • Above all, if what you’ve done is stupid, but it works, then it isn’t stupid.

10 Clues That You’ve Gone Overboard On Home Improvement

Posted on by
  1. You’ve built a drive-thru car wash in the second slot of your 2-car garage.
  2. You’ll use any excuse to add a new room onto the house, including needing more space for the newest addition to the family — your daughter’s goldfish Buffy.
  3. Even Martha Stewart has deemed your multi-level, hydraulically-operated kitchen is “a bit overdone.”
  4. You’ve converted the standard stall shower into a “bathing waterfall,” complete with tropical plants.
  5. Your rear-projection, surround-sound TV room can comfortably seat 43, and you’re trying to make arrangements with Universal for first run films.
  6. Your dog has a duplex dog house out back, even though he sleeps in bed with you every night.
  7. The local building department says you can’t add a fourth floor to a house that was originally zoned as a single level dwelling.
  8. You bought and demolished your next door neighbors house to make room for an Olympic size swimming pool.
  9. You’ve installed a small freight elevator going to your attic.
  10. You’ve built an FAA-approved helipad on your roof.
© 1996 Sandy Lindsey

Cooking Terms

Posted on by
  • Tongue

    • A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

  • Yogurt

    • Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

  • Recipe

    • A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat.

  • Porridge

    • Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words “Putrid,” “hORRId,” and “sluDGE.”

  • Preheat

    • To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

  • Oven

    • Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

  • Microwave Oven

    • Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

  • Calorie

    • Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.