- Keeps shaking black “crystal ball,” then saying, “Ask again later.”
- Tells you you’re going to die but doesn’t exactly know when or how.
- Every time you draw the Death card, she yells “Go Fish!”
- Looks suspiciously like that guy who fixed your muffler last week.
- Brunswick insignia on “crystal ball.”
- His idea of an “out of body experience” involves whipped cream and women’s clothing.
- Instead of a Oujia board, has a Wedgie board.
- During seance, shouts in voice of Wolfman Jack, “Milli Vanilli will be back!”
- His spoon bending requires two pliers.
- Sign in window: “As Seen on ’60 Minutes'”
- During card-reading, asks if you want to “hit” or “stand”.
- Insists that your astrological sign is “The Armadillo.”
- Psychics Magazine rates her just below fortune cookies, just above your mom.
- Repeatedly attempts to read your palm with his genitalia.
- Shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm.
- Easily fooled by ‘Can of Snakes’ gag.
- Lakers in 4.
- “Ethereal Aroma of the Kindred Spirits” effect during seance only occurs after a chili-dog lunch.
- Just keeps saying in his Mr. T voice, “My prediction: Pain!”
You’re Addicted to Your PDA When…
- You’ve caught yourself tapping buttons on your computer screen.
- When you pick up a pen or pencil you immediately notice how thick it feels.
- When using pen and paper, you have to force yourself to move your hand across the page as you write.
- Your regular handwriting includes Graffiti characters (and you don’t notice until someone else points it out).
- When asked for your business card you pull out your Palm.
- You and your dog are the only ones in your family who can hear your Palm’s alarm.
- A color screen seems like overkill.
- You own a pen that won’t write on paper.
- Your idea of an emergency kit includes a paper clip.
- You’ve used your Palm as a flashlight.
Overheard in 2999…
- “Thank you for calling Dell. All operators are currently helping other customers. You have been on hold for approximately… one… thousand… years….”
- “Senator Thurmond, your wife is on line 3.”
- “Another Christmas like this, and Amazon.com just may turn a profit!”
- “Chris White, you have been defrosted to stand judgment for the recently discovered document known as ‘The Rejected Hurricane Name List’.”
- “I found it on the Galactinet — I think it’s a picture of how humans used to reproduce.”
- “Hi, I’m Dick Clark, here to count you down into the new millennium!”
- “I did *not* have cybersex with that netbot.”
- “Okay, I’ll go over it one more time: It doesn’t really start until January 1, *3001* because…”
- “Middle East peace talks have been put on hold once again…”
- “25,000 zelgers, same as on Mars.”
- “We at NASA cannot be discouraged by this recent failure, and we are fully confident that our next manned mission to Mars will be a complete success.”
- “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of Islam…”
Offensive Wedding Behavior
- Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.
- Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.
- Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog.
- Tell people that you knew the bride before the sexchange operation.
- Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.
- Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate for a drug rehab clinic.
- As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.
- Ask the bride’s mother to give you a hand job.
- Give the bride some Bianca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm.
- Propose a toast to the bride’s nose job.
- Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from.
- Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.
- After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, “Throw your bra, throw your bra…”
- Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.
- Tell the rabbi that there’s no money to pay him, and ask if he’ll settle for stupping the bride.
- Assure the bride’s mother that the groom is “hung like a horse.”
- Return a bra which the bride left in your car.
- If there’s a hunchback at a Jewish wedding tell him that he has to wear one yarmulke on his head and another on his hump.
- When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing, “The Lady is a Tramp.”
Signs You Did Not Win an MTV Video Award
- Some bastard keeps tuning your guitar.
- “Best non-rhyming victim in a drive-by shooting” *still* not a category.
- You’re Livin’ La Vida No-Talenta.
- Because Kurt Loder cannot be bought, Mister Nose Candy!
- VH-1 just completed your “Where are they now?” segment.
- Budget cuts forced you to use a white, middle-aged heterosexual male choreographer.
- Special effects? You hired an alcoholic cinematographer with the shakes, for that “Blair Witch” look.
- Your hit rap song disses women executives in the music industry; Strike One. Your proposed solution: “Slap dem ‘ho’s around a bit”; Strikes two and three
- Your double-major studies at Julliard severely cut into your washboard ab building time.
- Your band name: Barenaked Fat Guys
Your video features: Barenaked Fat Guys - You confused video award shows and submitted the tape of your cousin Earl stepping on a rake.
- The only video of you on TV this month shows you hiding a kilo of heroin in the kosher meal cart of American Airlines flight 393.
- Still no category for “Most Wasted Punk Burning Stuff at Woodstock.”
Books We Are Not Likely To See
St. Martin’s Press had to pull a biography of US President George W. Bush off the shelves recently when they learned that the book’s
author is an ex-convict who served time in prison for ordering the fire-bombing of his boss’ car. Here now are some others that we are not likely to see:
- “The Yiddish Guide to Loving Your Neighbor” — Pat Buchanan
- “Get Out of Your Car and Walk to Work!” — Stephen King
- “Creating A Sound Future: Building a Lasting, Profitable Career in the Music Industry” — Andrew Ridgeley
- “Winners Never Quite” — Dan Quayle
- “Spiritual Enlightenment Through Poverty and Humility” — L. Ron Hubbard
- “For Better or Worse: A Guide to Keeping Your Wedding Vows” — Newt Gingrich
- “The Feminist Mystique” — Monica Lewinsky
- “The Buyers’ Guide to Experimental Aircraft” — John Denver
- “How to Find Just about Anybody Anywhere” — O.J. Simpson
- “What Up? Communicating With the Youth of Today” — Strom Thurmond
- “Mind Your Own Business! A Guide for Small Business Owners” –Linda Tripp
- “Black Like Me” — Michael Jackson
Rejected State Mottos
- Alabama — At Least We’re not Mississippi
- Alaska — 11,623 Eskimos Can’t be Wrong!
- Arizona — Dehyd-rific!
- Arkansas — Litterasy Ain’t Everthing
- Calfornia — As Seen on TV
- Colorado — If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother
- Connecticut — Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
- Florida — Ask Us About Our Grandkids
- Georgia — We Put the “Fun” in Fundamentalist Extremism
- Hawai — Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
- Idaho — More Than Just Potatoes… Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
- Illinois — Gateway to Iowa
- Indiana — 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
- Iowa — Land of James T. Kirk
- Kansas — First Of The Rectangle States
- Kentucky — Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
- Louisiana — We’re Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign
- Maine — Cheap Lobster
- Maryland — A Thinking Man’s Delaware
- Massachusetts — Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)
- Michigan — First Line of Defense From the Canadians
- Minnesota — For Sale
- Mississippi — Come Feel Better About Your Own State
- Missouri — Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
- Montana — Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, and Very Little Else
- Nebraska — Ask About Our State Motto Contest
- Nevada — Whores and Poker!
- New Hampshire — Go Away and Leave Us Alone
- New Jersey — You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
- New Mexico — Lizards Make Excellent Pets
- New York — You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
- North Carolina — Tobacco is a Vegetable
- North Dakota — Um… We’ve got… Um… Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
- Ohio — Don’t Judge Us by Cleveland
- Oklahoma — Like the Play, Only No Singing
- Oregon — Spotted Owl, It’s What’s For Dinner
- Pennsylvania — Cook With Coal
- Rhode Island — We’re Not REALLY An Island
- South Carolina — Remember the Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender
- South Dakota — Closer Than North Dakota
- Tennessee — >The Educashun State
- Texas — Se Hablo Ingles
- Utah — Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
- Vermont — Yep
- Virginia — Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?
- Washington — Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
- Washington, D.C. — Wanna Be Mayor?
- West Virginia — One Big Happy Family — Really!
- Wisconsin — Come Cut Our Cheese
- Wyoming — Wynot? Be good!
Product Warnings
- Found on Axius Sno-Off Automobile Windshield cover:
CAUTION: Never drive with the cover on your windshield. - Found a box of Tampax Tampons:
Remove used tampon before inserting a new one. - Found on a box of Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts:
WARNING: Pastry Filling May Be Hot When Heated - Found on the instruction sheet of a Conair Pro Style 1600 hair dryer:
WARNING: Do not use in shower. Never use while sleeping. - Found on Bat Man The Animated Series Armor Set Halloween costume box:
PARENT: Please exercise caution, mask and chest plate are not protective; cape does not enable wearer to fly. - Found in a television set’s owner’s manual:
Do not pour liquids into your television set. - Found on the handle of a hammer:
CAUTION: Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object - Found on a butane lighter:
WARNING: Flame may cause fire
The Risks of Buying a Supermodel’s Egg
- Upon delivery, you discover the egg contains a pair of pantyhose.
- Thousands of years of evolution shot all to hell.
- Sure, you can *buy* them now — but you have to wait over 18 years before you can legally have sex with your purchase.
- Health conscious models always removing the yolks first.
- Conception only possible with sperm from an androgynous rock star.
- Baby will insist that umbilical cord be cut only by Vidal Sassoon himself.
- Child Protective Services worker just doesn’t appreciate how it can eventually get to you when every time you tell him to take out the trash, he enigmatically whispers, “Obsession.”
- Other kids and their vicious taunts: “Don’t hate me because I’m sunny-side up!”
- You’ll spend a king’s ransom for ipecac syrup for the baby.
- The kid grows up to resent you because that willowy frame, those long thin legs and those exquisitely tiny hands kept him off the varsity football team.
- Photo shoot wind machine keeps blowing your boys upstream.
- With your luck, you’ll get the egg with recessive supermodel genes and dominant webmaster genes.
- Tough for Mr. Tripp to explain to perfectly-fertile wife, Linda.
- Upside: Your daughter looks like Kathy Ireland!
Downside: Your daughter thinks like Kathy Ireland! - Model eggs rebel at the very thought of being inseminated with *your* ugly-ass nerd sperm.
Possible Metric Conversions
Found in a scientist’s trash can:
- 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
- 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
- 365.25 days = 1 Unicycle
- 500 millenaries = 1 seminary
- 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
- 10 cards = 1 decacards
- 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
- 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
- 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 Liter Hosen
- 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
- 2000 British Troops in Ireland = 2 kilohenry
- 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
- 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
- 1 trillion grams of brown marijuana = 1 Terracotta pot
- 1 million billion piccolos = 1 gigolo
- 10 rations = 1 decoration
- 100 rations = 1 C-ration
- 10 millipedes = 1 centipede
- 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
- 10 monologues = 5 dialogues
- 5 dialogues = 1 decalogue
- 2 monograms = 1 diagram
- 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
- 2 baby sitters = 1 gramma grampa