Mergers

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Not that we would ever see these, but it makes you wonder what would happen if the following companies merged…

  • Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler
    Poly-Warner-Cracker.

  • 3M and Goodyear
    mmmGood

  • John Deere and Abitibi-Price
    Deere Abi

  • Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer
    Crab Apple

  • Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco and Dakota Mining
    Zip Audi Do Da

  • Folger Coffee, Detroit Edison and Rolex
    Folderal

  • Swissair and Cheseborough-Ponds
    Swisschese

  • Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil
    Honey, I’m Home

  • Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining
    Mine, All Mine

  • 3M, JC Penney and Canadian Opera Company
    3 Penney Opera

  • Mattel and Pacific Gold
    Ma & Pa

  • Sears Roebuck and Rogers Cable
    Buck Rogers

  • Cracker Jacks and Maxwell House
    Crackhouse

  • Luvs Diapers and Hertz Rent-A-Car
    Luv Hertz

  • Knott’s Berry Farm and National Organization of Women
    Knott NOW

  • Federal Express and UPS
    Fed Up.

How the Media Would Handle the End of the World

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  • USA Today
    WE’RE DEAD.

  • Wall Street Journal
    Dow Jones Plummets as World Ends.

  • National Enquirer
    O.J. and Nicole, Together Again.

  • Inc. Magazine
    10 Ways You Can Profit From the Apocalypse.

  • Rolling Stone
    The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour.

  • Sports Illustrated
    Game Over.

  • Playboy
    Girls of the Apocalypse.

  • Ladies Home Journal
    Lose 10 Pounds by Judgment Day with Our New “Armageddon” Diet!

  • TV Guide
    Death and Damnation: Nielson Ratings Soar!

  • Discover Magazine
    How will the extinction of all life as we know it affect the way we view the cosmos?

  • Microsoft Systems Journal
    Netscape Loses Market Share.

  • Microsoft’s Web Site
    If you don’t experience the rapture, DOWNLOAD software patch RAPT777.EXE.

  • America OnLine
    System temporarily down. Try calling back in 15 minutes.

Signs You’re Watching a Low-Budget Movie

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  • Most of the special effects involve Legos.
  • View out the spaceship “window” looks an awful lot like your screen saver.
  • Flushing sounds heard before waterfall scenes.
  • Big chase scene marred by Hot WheelTM trestle failure.
  • Something tells you that “Star Wars Episode II: Porky’s Revenge” isn’t a George Lucas production.
  • Sociopathic slasher’s weapon of choice: grapefruit spoon.
  • That “LOW BATT” you see isn’t a subtitle.
  • Hard to believe an International Superspy would drive a Gremlin.
  • “Computer generated characters” are created by combining a colon and parentheses.
  • The boom mike is in so many shots, it gets over-the-title billing.
  • During the dramatic shot of the ocean liner sinking, you can clearly see a gigantic bar of Ivory Soap in the background.
  • Either that’s a zipper or Godzilla has had a vasectomy.
  • “Starring Tae Bo master Billy Blanks as Nelson Mandela.”
  • That “alien monster” looks suspiciously like someone’s genitalia.

Lost Dr. Seuss Books

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Here’s a list of the lost Dr Seuss books…

  • The Cat in the Blender
  • Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
  • Fox in Detox
  • Who Shat in the Hat?
  • Horton Hires a Ho
  • The Flesh-Eating Lorax
  • How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
  • Your Colon Can Moo—Can You?
  • Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
  • One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
  • Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Hell Out!
  • Are You My Proctologist?
  • Yentl the Lentil
  • My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
  • Aunts in My Pants
  • Oh, the Places You’ll Scratch and Sniff!
  • Horton Fakes an Orgasm
  • The Grinch’s Ten Inches
  • The Cat In The Hat Is A Convicted Pedophile
  • Salmonella Infected Eggs And Ham

Long-Term Effects of Listening to Country Western Music

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  • Gun rack mysteriously appears in the back of your car.
  • You name your kids Garth, Reba, Conway and Merle.
  • You form a deeply-rooted mistrust of relationships, fashion trends, and foreign automobiles.
  • Big hats, big buckles, & big bills to the Home Shopping Network.
  • You start to notice just how doggone attractive yer sister is.
  • Thinking more and more the trash can lid would make one helluva belt buckle.
  • Diet of chicken-fried steak and Budweiser gives skin an unearthly glow.
  • At each of life’s major crossroads, you ask yourself, “What would Willie Nelson do?”
  • You become unable to discriminate between one too many and Whoooodoggie!
  • You take to speaking in cornball analogies like achin’ takes to a cheatin’ heart.
  • You find yourself turning tricks to support $100-a-day hair spray habit.
  • You can “Lather, Rinse and Repeat” until the cows come home, but your hair still looks like it has a quart of 30-weight in it.
  • Yet *another* worn-out CD player.
  • Your Bleedin’ Ear.
  • You begin to worship Jeff Foxworthy the way the French worship Jerry Lewis.
  • Stong urge to visit a barber and ask for “The Lovett.”

You Know Your Life Stinks When…

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  • A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.
  • Your over 25 and still live with your parents or some other relative. If you are 30 or more, well enough said…
  • You take an assertiveness training course and you’re afraid to tell your wife.
  • Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft. (Actually, you just remembered you don’t even own a car like that.)
  • You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment.
  • Your children’s school calls to surrender.
  • The bride’s family throws rocks instead of rice.
  • Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
  • Your plants do better when you do *not* talk to them.
  • All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.
  • Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic.

Kinds of Poopies

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  • Ghost Poopie
    The kind where you feel the poopie come out but there is no poopie in the toilet.

  • Clean Poopie
    The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

  • Wet Poopie
    The kind where you wipe you butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped. So you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won’t ruin them with a stain.

  • Second-Wave Poopie
    This happens when you are done poopie-ing and you’ve pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

  • Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie
    The kind you strain so much to get out you practically have a stroke.

  • Lincoln-Log-Poopie
    The kind that is so huge, you are afraid to flush the toilet without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

  • Gassy Poopie
    It’s so noisy that everyone within earshot is giggling.

  • Drinker Poopie
    The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It’s most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

  • Corn Poopie
    (Self-explanatory)

  • Gee I Wish I Could Poopie
    The kind where you want to poopie but all you can do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

  • Spinal Tap Poopie
    That’s when it hurts so badly coming out you could swear it was coming out sideways.

  • Wet-Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
    The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get splashed with water.

  • Liquid Poopie
    The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

  • Mexican Poopie (Flame Thrower)
    It smells so bad your nose burns.

  • Upper-Class Poopie
    The kind of poopie that doesn’t smell.

  • Surprise Poopie
    You’re not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but oops! a poopie!

  • The Dangling Poopie (Sort of like hardening glue)
    This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

Jocks Versus Nerds

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Is It Better To Be a Jock (Michael Jordan) or a Nerd (Bill Gates)?

  • Michael Jordan having “retired,” with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
  • If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
  • If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there.
  • If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.
  • He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
  • He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
  • If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
  • If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
  • He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
  • Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
  • If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you’d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
  • He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
  • While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600.
  • This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn’t it?

However…

If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Game over. Nerd wins!!

Jewish Country Western Songs

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  • “I Was One of the Chosen People (‘Til She Chose Somebody Else)”
  • “Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights”
  • “I’ve Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You? “
  • “My Rowdy Friend Elijah’s Comin’ Over Tonight”
  • “New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament”
  • “Stand by Your Mensch”
  • “Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes”
  • “I Balanced Your Books, but You’re Breaking My Heart”
  • “My Darlin’s a Schmendrick and I’m All Verklempt”
  • “That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff”
  • “The Second Time She Said ‘Shalom’, I Knew She Meant ‘Goodbye'”
  • “You’re the Lox My Bagel’s Been Missin'”
  • “You’ve Been Talkin’ Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town”
  • “Mamas Don’t Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweated Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn’t Mean Anything Now That You’re Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)”

Things You Will Never See On Jesse Helms’ Website

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  • “Jesse’s Gay Chat Room – Y’all Come On Out!”
  • “The RuPaul Fashion Page”
  • “Click here for Jesse’s Fantasy Date with Jenny McCarthy”
  • Fan letter from Susan Sarandon
  • Any recipes that use the word “Shitake”
  • A link to the Lesbian Non-Smokers Against Firearms web page
  • Calendar of upcoming cross burnings
  • Photo of Jesse attempting to organize a mosh pit during recent Neil Diamond concert
  • “Your Civil Rights as a Non-Christian, Non-White, Non-Male, Non-Citizen”
  • “Jesse’s Favorite Soul Food Recipes”
  • Two words: Prostate Cam
  • “Louis Farrakhan’s Online Bow Tie Shop”
  • “The Best Drugs for Doin’ the Nasty”
  • A counter saying anything but, “You are visitor number 00000.”
  • “This page funded in part by a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts.”