- It was so cold that we emptied the freezer and sat inside it to warm up.
- It was so cold that as I drove to work, I saw a group of people pushing a house down the street, trying to push-start the furnace.
- It was so cold last night that our snowman knocked on the door and asked if he could sleep on the couch.
- It was so cold that when my friend’s dad went out to milk his cows, what came out was ice cream.
- It was so cold that snow flakes froze in mid air and birds had to hop from one to another to reach the feeder.
Irritations of Life
- You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
- The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
- The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
- There’s always a car riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address.
- You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
- It’s bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don’t realize it till you walk across your living room rug.
- The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
- There’s a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
- You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
- Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
- You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
- You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
- Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you’re trying to get a reading.
- A station comes in brilliantly when you’re standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
- There are always one or two ice cubes that won’t pop out of the tray.
- You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
- The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
- A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
- You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
- The radio station doesn’t tell you who sang that song.
- You rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
- People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
- Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
- You can’t look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don’t know how to spell it.
- You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just browsing.
- You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can’t find it.
- You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
The Truth About Investment
- Stock
A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50. - Bond
What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com. - Broker
The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke. - Bear
What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you. - Bull
What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter. - Margin
Where you scribble the latest quotes when you’re supposed to be listening to your manager’s presentation. - Short Position
A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn’t actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. “The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I’m a little short this month.”). - Commission
The only reliable way to wake money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one. - Yak
What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.
Important Warnings
- On the “CycleAware” helmet-mounted mirror: “Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind you.”
- On a large folding cardboard sunshade for car windscreens: “Do not attempt to operate vehicle with sunshade in place.”
- On a car lock which loops around both the clutch pedal and the steering wheel: “Warning – Remove lock before driving.”
- In the instructions for a Korean kitchen knife: “Keep out of children.”
- On a packet of juggling balls: “This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA.”
- On a packet of Nytol sleeping tablets: “Warning: may cause drowsiness.”
- On a packet of peanuts served on an internal flight in China (written in both English and Chinese): “Open packet and eat contents.”
- On 500g packets of Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Contains nuts.”
- Seen on a camera: “This camera only works when there is film inside.”
- On a bottle of flavored milk drink: “After opening, keep upright.”
- On a Rowenta iron: “Warning! Never iron clothes on the body!”
- On a can of windscreen de-icing spray: “Spray works in sub-zero temperatures.”
- On a can of insect spray: “Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: This spray is harmful to bees.”
- A different brand of insect spray: “Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying insects. Not tested on animals.”
- On an ocean buoy for determining the position of submarines: “Protect from seawater.”
- On a Halloween Batman costume: “This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly.”
How to Tell if Your Friend or Neighbor is a Werewolf
Werewolves live among us today, but unless you know what to look for, they are impossible to identify. Except when they’re suffering an attack of the rare illness that turns them into crazed beasts, they look like any of your friends or neighbors, experts say. Dr. Werner Bokelman, an Austrian anthropologist who has studied werewolves for 30 years, has developed a test to help identify the werewolves among us. Here’s how he says you can tell if your friend or neighbor is a werewolf:
- Does he smell like a mixture of stale hay and horse manure? Werewolves have extra glands that emit nasty smells.
- Does he have eyebrows that meet in the middle of his forehead? Doctors in Denmark say that’s a certain sign of the beast inside. Werewolves’ arms, legs, and bodies are extremely hairy, especially the backs of their hands and the tops of their feet.
- Does a neighbor’s child seem unusually attracted to little girls by the age of 7 or 8? Werewolves reach sexual maturity at that age — five years ahead of normal humans.
- Is the ring finger on both of his hands longer than the middle finger? Experts say a long ring finger is a sure sign a person is a werewolf.
- Does he own large pets that often disappear and then are replaced by other large pets? Werewolves have enormous appetites and like to sink their fangs into large, fleshy animals. It would take 100 chickens a week, for example, to satisfy the average werewolf.
- Do you hear strange howling and moaning in the neighborhood when there is a full moon and no dogs around? If so, you are living close to a werewolf.
- Does his skin slowly change color? It takes a few hours for a werewolf to change from human to animal form. The first sign is a gradual darkening of the skin.
- Does he wander around graveyards, mortuaries or turn up at the scene of fatal accidents? Corpses are a ready source of nourishment for young werewolves.
- Is his blood bluish red and his urine a deep purple? If you can trust yourself to be alone with a suspected werewolf in the daytime, try to find out without being too obvious. Following him into a men’s room might be a good idea, but be careful.
You Know You’ve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When…
- You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
- Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
- You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
- You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
- You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
- You strike a match and light your nose.
- You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
- You hear someone say, “Call a priest!”
- You hear a duck quacking, and it’s you.
- You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
- You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
- You tell everyone you have to go home… and the party’s at your place.
- You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
- You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror.
- You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
- You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
- You’re at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
- You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
- You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
- You realize you’re the only one under the coffee table.
Hidden Meanings in Commercial Slogans
- “A diamond is forever.”
“Which is *exactly* how long you’ll be hearing about it from the wife if you don’t cough up the green for some ice, pal.” - “Built Ford tough”
“It’s an American version of tough; not *really* tough, like German cars are tough.” - “I can’t believe it’s not butter!”
“Being around Fabio, for even a few seconds, makes you dumb as a post.” - “Pork; the other white meat”
“When Heston starts screaming that it’s people, don’t say we didn’t warn you.” - “An Army of one”
“Can’t be gay all by yourself, can ya?” - “A diamond says you’d marry her all over again”
“You’re too classy for a $50 hooker every week.” - “Have it your way”
“Think of us as your personal hamburger whore.” - “Just Do It”
“We know you’ll never get off the couch lard-ass; just buy the friggin’ shoes.” - “The new way to office”
“The half-assed way to slogan.” - “It’s so chunky, you’ll be tempted to eat it with a fork.”
“Those damn slicing machines are still dumping way too many body parts in our soups!” - “Must-see TV”
“Yeah, what else are you gonna do, Shakespeare? Read?!” - “Calgon, take me away!”
“I’ve got my Mr. Showerhead poised for action.” - “Like a rock”
“God knows we weren’t selling many pickups with that Boy George tune.”
He’s So Mean That…
- If you kicked him in the heart, you’d break your toe.
- He’d steal a dead fly from a blind spider.
- He’s deaf, and never told his barber.
- You couldn’t warm up to him if you were cremated together.
- He sends get-well cards to hypochondriacs.
- He’d cry over your wounds so he could get salt in them.
- He has as much use for anyone living as an undertaker.
- He applied for a job as a prison warden so he could put tacks in the electric chair.
- The only thing he’ll share with you willingly is a communicable disease.
- He folds his newspaper so the guy next to him on the bus can only read half the headline.
- He has a testimonial plaque from Kenneth Starr.
- He dreamed that he died and the heat woke him up.
- He takes sparrows, dips them in peroxide, and sells them as canaries.
- He’d throw a drowning man both ends of the rope.
- He knifes you in the back, and then has you arrested for carrying a weapon.
- He campaigned for a dry county, got it passed, and then moved away.
- He told his children the Easter Bunny got run over by a car.
- He was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg, but he got mad and broke it off.
- He never hits a man when he’s down–he kicks him.
- He never eats his heart out; he’d starve to death.
- He’d borrow your pot just to cook your goose.
- Only gravediggers would enjoy working for him.
- He gave his wife oysters and a rabbit’s foot because she wanted pearls for her birthday.
- He had three phones installed so that he could hang up on more people.
Helpful Hints for Life
- If you’re bidding on a job for UPS, don’t send your bid by FedEx.
- If your computer says, “Printer out of Paper,” this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the “OK” button.
- If you want your refrigerator’s ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn’t make good ice unless it is mixed with water.
- No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
- A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
- It’s okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.
- When the PC says, “Insert diskette #2,” don’t do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you’re sure you can make them both fit in there.
- When your PC says “You have mail,” don’t go to the company mail room and look for a package.
- The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn’t translate English language web pages into French.
- If you’re in the armed services, and it’s April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don’t.
- If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don’t have to specify whether it’s for a Windows or a Macintosh.
- Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.
- Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
- Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
- Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
- No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
- Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
- If a person is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
- Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dishwashing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
You Might Belong to Generation X If….
- You wore anything Izod, especially those windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around your waist.
- You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool.
- You know, by heart, the words to a “Weird” Al Yankovic song.
- You remember when Madonna was just hitting the scene.
- “The Reflex” was a cool song.
- You remember “Battlestar Galactica.”
- Three words: “Atari,” “Apple,” and “Pong.”
- You remember the original version of Windows: Macintosh.
- You remember the days when “safe sex” meant “my parents are gone for the weekend.”
- You remember “Friday Night Videos” before the days of MTV.
- You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van.
- You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you in the “tail gunner” position.
- You actually know who Rick Springfield is.
- You remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.
- You jammed to the Miami Vice theme and thought Jan Hammer was cool.
- For the girl crazy bunch: Your first sexual dream occurred to thoughts of Jeannie, Marsha Brady, Samantha from Bewitched or, for those hard-core comic fans out there, Daphne from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats
- And for the boy crazy bunch: You thought Sean Cassidy was “dreamy”, lusted after “Ted, your ship’s photographer” on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.
- You’re starting to believe (now that it wouldn’t affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all.
- You’re doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree.
- You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon
- You remember when there was only “G, PG and R”, none of this PG-13 crap.
- You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.
- You spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman/Man or Wonder Woman/the Incredible Hulk.
- You know all the words to the double album set of Grease.
- “All-skate, change directions” means something to you.
- You ever rang someone’s doorbell and said “Landshark.”
- You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
- You wore Birdwell’s Beach Britches, or anything made by OP.
- You remember that video by A Flock of Seagulls.
- “Thriller”, “Beat It”, or “Ebony and Ivory” was your top request on the radio.
- Remember “Tainted Love”?
- Every time you see one of those big military rescue helicpters, you think of the “Screaming Mimi” from “Riptide.”
- You saw the space shuttle launch in shcool and thought “Wow, cool.”
- One word: Corduroy.
- You are a Remington Steele fan.
- You saw the Stones’ *first* farewell tour.
- When you saw Dana Plato’s layout in Playboy, it didn’t match the fantasies you had from watching her on “Diff’rent Strokes.”
- You remember when Eddie Van Halen and Hugh Heffner were both single. “Van Halen just isn’t the same without Dave.”
- You remember when Rush was a heavy metal band, and Geddy Lee’s voice could shatter glass.
- You saw the first “Less Filling/Tastes Great” commercial.
- You know the Fonz’s full name.
- You decided to take up golf after you saw “Caddyshack.”
- Cheech and Chong were really cool, man.
- Go, Speed Racer, go!
- Rocky and Bullwinkle, Speed Buggy, Underdog, and Get Smart were yourfavorite TV shows, right after Gilligan’s Island.
- You remember all the words to the Gilligan’s Island theme song.
- Redd Foxx was great as Fred Sanford.
- Sonny Bono as mayor still wigs you out.
- You went around humming Manfred Mann’s “Do Wah Diddy” for two weeks after you saw “Stripes.”
- You’ve ever shouted, “I wanna rock and roll all night, and party every day!”
- You remember when OJ was famous for running through airports in Hertz commercials, or for playing football.
- Carroll O’connor was Archie Bunker, not that hick cop from Georgia.
- You still watch “The Jeffersons,” and you’re waiting for “Good Times” to come out on video. (Dyn-O-Mite!)
- It’s sad to see Jimmie Walker, Evel Knievel, and Eddie Munster in those Little Caesar’s ads.
- The words “How about a nice Hawaiian Punch?” and “Where’s the beef?!” bring back fond childhood memories.
- Sesame Street and Star Trek played important roles during your formative years.
- You really liked the car in “Hardcastle and McCormick.”
- You know what “Nanoo, nanoo” means.
- Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder really knew how to make an entrance into a prison cell. (“That’s right, we bad….”)
- You remember Velvet Jones, Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood, and Gumby, dammit!
- Before “NYPD Blue,” it was “Hill Street Blues.” And before that, it was “Baretta,” “Columbo,” and “Starsky & Hutch.”
- You know where the line “Yo, Adrian!” came from.
- You watched ZOOM on TV.
- You took a date to see “St. Elmo’s Fire.”
- The video for Peter Gabriel’s “Sledgehammer” was almost as badass as Dire Straits’ “Money for Nothing.”
- You remember Sting as the front man for the Police.
- You got sick of hearing George Michael’s “Sex” over and over on the radio, kinda like Def Leppard……
- You remember anything Bruce Springsteen did before “Born in the USA.”
- You watched “Cagney and Lacey.”
- You zaw zoze Zima commerzials on ze TV. (“Nice hat.”)
- You know that the “Queen of Rock and Roll” is Rod Stewart.
- You know who Tennesee Tuxedo was.
- You used to watch “Hollywood Squares” because it was on between “Gomer Pyle, USMC” and “Batman .”
- You wore your jeans tight, not baggy like all your friends do now to hide their flabby backsides.
- “Funky Cold Medina” was cool.
- You actually remember Spuds McKenzie, Alex from Stroh’s, and the Swedish Bikini Team.
- You remember when Joe Camel made his first appearance, on the 75th birthday comemorative pack.
- You remember when Patrick Duffy went from being “The Man from Atlantis” to Bobby Ewing.
- You know who shot JR.
- Before he starred with Lou Ferigno in “The Increduble Hulk,” Bill Bixby played in “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father.” (After he did “My Favorite Martian,” of course.)
- Remember “Real People” and “That’s Incredible”?
- Dennis Miller, for just an instant, was actually as funny as he thought he was.
- You were afraid of the Sleestaks on Land of the Lost.
- You remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasn’t an expensive option that required gadgets – it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer!
- “IntelliVision” and “Coleco”. Sound familiar?
- You see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad.
- You remember when music that was labeled “alternative” really was.
- You, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to “It’s the End of the World as We Know It”.
- You’ve ever conversationally used the phrase “Jane, you ignorant slut”.
- You watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you’re older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time.
- You’re starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing.
- You ever used the phrase “kiss mah grits” in conversation.
- You remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.
- This rings a bell: “and my name, is Charlie. They work for me.”
- You ever wanted to learn to play “Stairway to Heaven” on the guitar.
- You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on, after all, look at Tab.
- You remember when your cable tv box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.