He’s So Mean That… | The Joke Archives

If you kicked him in the heart, you’d break your toe.
He’d steal a dead fly from a blind spider.
He’s deaf, and never told his barber.
You couldn’t warm up to him if you were cremated together.
He sends get-well cards to hypochondriacs.
He’d cry over your wounds so he could get salt in them.
He has as much use for anyone living as an undertaker.
He applied for a job as a prison warden so he could put tacks in the electric chair.
The only thing he’ll share with you willingly is a communicable disease.
He folds his newspaper so the guy next to him on the bus can only read half the headline.
He has a testimonial plaque from Kenneth Starr.
He dreamed that he died and the heat woke him up.
He takes sparrows, dips them in peroxide, and sells them as canaries.
He’d throw a drowning man both ends of the rope.
He knifes you in the back, and then has you arrested for carrying a weapon.
He campaigned for a dry county, got it passed, and then moved away.
He told his children the Easter Bunny got run over by a car.
He was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg, but he got mad and broke it off.
He never hits a man when he’s down–he kicks him.
He never eats his heart out; he’d starve to death.
He’d borrow your pot just to cook your goose.
Only gravediggers would enjoy working for him.
He gave his wife oysters and a rabbit’s foot because she wanted pearls for her birthday.
He had three phones installed so that he could hang up on more people.