- If you’re bidding on a job for UPS, don’t send your bid by FedEx.
- If your computer says, “Printer out of Paper,” this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the “OK” button.
- If you want your refrigerator’s ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn’t make good ice unless it is mixed with water.
- No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
- A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
- It’s okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.
- When the PC says, “Insert diskette #2,” don’t do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you’re sure you can make them both fit in there.
- When your PC says “You have mail,” don’t go to the company mail room and look for a package.
- The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn’t translate English language web pages into French.
- If you’re in the armed services, and it’s April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don’t.
- If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don’t have to specify whether it’s for a Windows or a Macintosh.
- Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.
- Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
- Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
- Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
- No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
- Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
- If a person is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
- Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dishwashing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
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