The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

Compiled By: Bill Atchley
  • Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
  • Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
  • Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
  • Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
  • How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
  • How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I’ve Been A Liar All My Life
  • I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
  • I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
  • I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
  • I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart
  • I Keep Forgettin I Forgot About You
  • I Wanna Whip Your Cow
  • I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell Yuck
  • I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
  • I’d Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
  • I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
  • I’m The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
  • I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
  • I’ve Got The Hungries For Your Love And I’m Waiting In Your Welfare Line
  • If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
  • If Love Were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low
  • If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All On You
  • If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
  • If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
  • Mama Get The Hammer (Theres A Fly On Papa’s Head)
  • My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
  • My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
  • My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
  • Oh, I’ve Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
  • Pardon Me, I’ve Got Someone To Kill
  • She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
  • She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
  • She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
  • She’s Got Freckles On Her, But She’s Pretty
  • Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone
  • They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin Out
  • Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
  • When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I’ll Think You’re Walking In
  • You Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith, Too
  • You Can’t Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
  • You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
  • You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
  • You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Proposed Country Song Titles

  • Ain’t No Trash In My Trailer Since The Night I Threw You Out
  • You Wanted To Get Hitched, But My Heart Is Filled With Whoa
  • Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left With A Tart
  • I Lost My Honey Bunny On A Bad Hare Day
  • She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn’t Choose Me
  • The Peach I Picked In Georgia Didn’t Cling To Me For Long
  • Don’t Want That Floozy In My Jacuzzi
  • I Found The Recipe For Heartbreak In A Cookbook On Your Shelf
  • Now That We’re Miserable, I Hope You’re Happy

Music Terms Misunderstood by Country Musicians

  • Diminished Fifth — An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
  • Perfect Fifth — A full bottle of Jack Daniels
  • Ritard — There’s one in every family
  • Relative Major — An uncle in the Marine Corps
  • Relative Minor — A girlfriend
  • Big Band — When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
  • Pianissimo — “Refill this beer bottle”
  • Repeat — What you do until they just expel you
  • Treble — Women ain’t nothin’ but
  • Bass — The things you run around in softball
  • Portamento — A foreign country you’ve always wanted to see
  • Conductor — The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
  • Arpeggio — “Ain’t he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?”
  • Tempo — Good choice for a used car
  • A 440 — The highway that runs around Nashville
  • Transpositions — Men who wear dresses
  • Cut Time — Parole
  • Order of Sharps — What a wimp gets at the bar
  • Passing Tone — Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
  • Middle C — The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low
  • Perfect Pitch — The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
  • Tuba — A compound word: “Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!”
  • Cadenza — That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes
  • Whole Note — What’s due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
  • Clef — What you try never to fall off of
  • Bass Clef — Where you wind up if you do fall off
  • Altos — Not to be confused with “Tom’s toes,” “Bubba’s toes” or “Dori-toes”
  • Minor Third — Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling
  • Melodic Minor — Loretta Lynn’s singing dad
  • 12-Tone Scale — The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with
  • Quarter Tone — What most standard pickups can haul
  • Sonata — What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
  • Clarinet — Name used on your second daughter if you’ve already used Betty Jo
  • Cello — The proper way to answer the phone
  • Bassoon — Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when
  • French Horn — Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
  • Cymbal — What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with
  • Bossa Nova — The car your foreman drives
  • Time Signature — What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in
  • First Inversion — Grandpa’s battle group at Normandy
  • Staccato — How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home
  • Major Scale — What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: “Darn! That was a major scale!”
  • Aeolian Mode — How you like Mama’s cherry pie
  • Bach Chorale — The place behind the barn where you keep the horses

Ode to the Little Brown Shack Out Back

They past an ordinance in the town
Said we’d have to tear it down
That little brown shack out back so dear to me
Though the health department said
It’s day was over and dead
It will stand forever in my memory

Don’t let ’em tear that little brown building down
Don’t let ’em tear that little brown building down
Don’t let ’em tear that little brown building down
There’s not another like it in the country or the town

It was not too long ago
That I went tripping through the snow
Out to that house behind my old hound dog
Where I’d sit me down to rest
Like a snow bird on her nest
And read the Sears and Roebuck catalog

I would hum a happy tune
Peeping through the quarter moon
Just like my Pappy’s kin had done before
It was in that quiet pot
Daily cares could be forgot
And it gave the same relief to rich and poor

It was not a castle fair
I could build my future there
Build castles to the yellow jacket’s drone
I could orbit round the sun
Fight with General Washington
Or be a king upon his own throne

It wasn’t fancy built at all
Had newspapers on the wall
It was air conditioned in the wintertime
It was just a humble hut
But it’s door was never shut
And a man could get inside without a dime

Written by Billy Edd Wheeler

Long-Term Effects of Listening to Country Western Music

  • Gun rack mysteriously appears in the back of your car.
  • You name your kids Garth, Reba, Conway and Merle.
  • You form a deeply-rooted mistrust of relationships, fashion trends, and foreign automobiles.
  • Big hats, big buckles, & big bills to the Home Shopping Network.
  • You start to notice just how doggone attractive yer sister is.
  • Thinking more and more the trash can lid would make one helluva belt buckle.
  • Diet of chicken-fried steak and Budweiser gives skin an unearthly glow.
  • At each of life’s major crossroads, you ask yourself, “What would Willie Nelson do?”
  • You become unable to discriminate between one too many and Whoooodoggie!
  • You take to speaking in cornball analogies like achin’ takes to a cheatin’ heart.
  • You find yourself turning tricks to support $100-a-day hair spray habit.
  • You can “Lather, Rinse and Repeat” until the cows come home, but your hair still looks like it has a quart of 30-weight in it.
  • Yet *another* worn-out CD player.
  • Your Bleedin’ Ear.
  • You begin to worship Jeff Foxworthy the way the French worship Jerry Lewis.
  • Stong urge to visit a barber and ask for “The Lovett.”