Tag Archives: jewish

Jewish Fathers

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A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah, but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home “Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our fathers,” the son said. “It was wonderful and enlightening; however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity.”

“Oi vey,” replied the father, “what have I done?” So, in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace.

“It is amazing that you should come to me,” stated his friend. “I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian.”

So in the tradition of the patriarchs, they went to the Rabbi. “It is amazing that you should come to me,” stated the Rabbi. “I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to the Lord,” said the Rabbi.

They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour our their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed, the clouds above opened and a mighty voice said, “Amazing that you should come to me. I, too, sent my Son to Israel….”

Rules for Jewish Living

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  • Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
  • If you can’t say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
  • The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
  • Always whisper the names of diseases.
  • Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
  • Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
  • If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it’s loud enough for everyone else to hear.
  • If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
  • It’s not whom you know, it’s whom you know that had a nose job.
  • If you don’t eat it, it will kill me.
  • Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
  • There comes a time in every man’s life when he must stand up and tell his mother that he is an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.

Jewish Survivor

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Did you hear about the new program on CBS’s Cable Channel-“Jewish Survivor”? Eighteen Jews are put in a two bedroom non-Rent Controlled Apartment (not a sublet) on the Upper West Side of New York. Each week they vote out one of the Tribe until there is a survivor who gets a $1 million trust fund.

Jewish Survivor Rules:

  • No maid service
  • No use of ATM’s or Credit Card – cash only.

  • No food from Carry out or delivery.
    All purchases must be retail.

  • No calls to mother for women or businesses for men.

  • Any trip outside the apartment can only be by foot, bus or subway – no limos or cabs
    All workouts/exercise must be done in regular sweats – no designer labels allowed — oops I forgot exercise must be more than channel changing.

  • Nothing from Zabars allowed.
  • No Jewish Geography.
  • TV allowed but no cable.
  • No New York Times only New York Post.
  • On Jewish Holidays Tribe members can take day off but must actually go to shul.
  • Any member checking on stock market investments immediately excluded.
  • Team members must construct their own furniture with only a hammer saw and nails – no Pottery Barn catalogs allowed.
  • Team members must dress for all meals – they must of course do their own nails, hair and makeup however an emergency stylist and manicurist is on call for bad hair days and nail emergencies (limited to one visit per Tribesman per week).
  • There is only one phone line for all eighteen Tribe members and no call can last more than 3 minutes.
  • All maintenance problems must be resolved by the Tribe without help from any gentile or from the building superintendent if by chance he is a member of the tribe (small t).

If Microsoft was Jewish

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  • Instead of getting a “General Protection Fault” error, your PC would get “Verklemmt”.
  • When you fill up your “C-drive”, you will get a “Hard Drive is Shtupped” message.
  • Hanukkah screen savers will have “Flying Draydles”.
  • Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
  • CD-ROM’s would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVB’s (digital video bagels).
  • Your “Start” button would be replaced with a “Let’s go! I’m not getting any younger!” button.
  • “Abort, Retry, Ignore” would be replaced with “Stop it already – You’re killing me!, You vant I should try it again?, I didn’t hear that!”.
  • When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to “Remove the cable from your PC’s toukches”.
  • Your multimedia player would be renamed to “Nu, so play my musical ready!”.
  • During Passover, your PC would not be able to read “leavened floppies”.
  • “Microsoft Word” would be renamed to “Microsoft Kibbitz”.
  • Microsoft Office would include “A little byte of this, and a little byte of that”.
  • When running “scandisk”, you will be prompted with a “You vant I should fix this?” message.
  • When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud “Oy!!!”.
  • A “monitor cleaning solution” from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the “schmootz” on your monitor.
  • After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go “Shloofie”
  • Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
  • Solitaire would be replaced with on-line “Bingo”or “Mah-Jong.”
  • Internet Explorer would now have a spinning “Star of David” in the upper right corner.
  • After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.
  • You would hear the tune “Hava Nagila” during startup.
  • “Year 2000” issues are replaced by “Year 5760-5761” issues.
  • Bill Gates’ official theme song would be “If I Were a Rich Man”.

Jewish Country Western Songs

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  • “I Was One of the Chosen People (‘Til She Chose Somebody Else)”
  • “Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights”
  • “I’ve Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You? “
  • “My Rowdy Friend Elijah’s Comin’ Over Tonight”
  • “New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament”
  • “Stand by Your Mensch”
  • “Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes”
  • “I Balanced Your Books, but You’re Breaking My Heart”
  • “My Darlin’s a Schmendrick and I’m All Verklempt”
  • “That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff”
  • “The Second Time She Said ‘Shalom’, I Knew She Meant ‘Goodbye'”
  • “You’re the Lox My Bagel’s Been Missin'”
  • “You’ve Been Talkin’ Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town”
  • “Mamas Don’t Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweated Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn’t Mean Anything Now That You’re Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)”