Rules for Jewish Living

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• Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
• If you can’t say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
• The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
• Always whisper the names of diseases.
• Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
• Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
• If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it’s loud enough for everyone else to hear.
• If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
• It’s not whom you know, it’s whom you know that had a nose job.
• If you don’t eat it, it will kill me.
• Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
• There comes a time in every man’s life when he must stand up and tell his mother that he is an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.