- Abusive
What’s the matter, stupid, don’t you know the answer? - Ambivalence
Well, it could be yes and it could be no. - Amnesia
I forget. - Antipathy
You would have to ask me that. - Amorous
I love the way you ask that question. - Apathy
I don’t care. - Apologetic
I’m sorry that you have to ask me that. - Argumentative
Are you looking for a fight? - Authoritarian
I’ll tell you when you can ask me questions! - Bigotry
I’m not going to tell someone like you. - Blasphemous
God Dammit, I told you not to ask! - Compulsive
I want to tell you right now, I have to tell you right now! - Conditional
Well, it depends. - Damnation
You and your questions can go to hell! - Depressed
You would have to ask me that. - Dyslexic
Gniees sdrawkcab. - Egotistical
I’m the best person to answer that question. - Evasive
Have you done your homework today? - Exhausted
I’m too tired to answer you right now. - Flatulent
That question really stinks! - Greedy
What’s in it for me if I tell you? - Hemorrhoids
You know, this is a real pain in the butt! - Hostility
If you ask me just one more question, I’ll kill you! - Hypochondriacal
The thought of it makes me sick. - Ignorance
I don’t know. - Indifference
It doesn’t matter. - Influenza
You’ve got to be sick to ask me that question. - Insecure
I don’t think I want to know the answer to that question. - Insensitive
I don’t care if you don’t know the answer. - Insomnia
I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer. - Intoxicated
** BURP ** - Irreverent
I swear to God, you ask too many questions! - Masturbation
I can single-handedly answer that question. - Narcissism
Before I answer, tell me, don’t I look great? - Nausea
That question is going to make me vomit. - Nonchalant
It’s not important. - Obstinate
I’m not going to tell you. - Over-Protective
I don’t know if you’re ready for the answer. - Over-Sensitive
How could you ask me a question like that? - Paranoid
You think I don’t know the answer, don’t you? - Pessimistic
I’m sure I won’t give the right answer. - Procrastination
I’ll tell you tomorrow. - Repetitive
I already told you the answer once before. - Sarcastic
That’s a stupid question to ask me. - Secretive
- I can’t tell you right now.
- Seductive
Lets go somewhere private where I can answer that for you. - Self-Centered
Well, I know the answer, that’s all that matters. - Senile
When I was your age, we couldn’t ask these questions. - Subjective
It’s all in how you look at the question. - Suspicious
Why are you asking me all these questions? - Temperamental
What the heck do you want to know that for???
Toy Disclaimers
- No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.
- Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.
- Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
- Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.
- Some dismemberment may occur.
- Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man.
- Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to *get* your Sega Dreamcast — especially when you’ve already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale — may result in bodily injury.
- Do not stare at product. Hey! You’re doing it now! Cut that out!!
- In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.
- Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.
- Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.
- Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.
- NOTE: The makers of “Queen Amidala’s Naboo Dream Palace” assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.
- Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.
Famous Last Words
- What do you mean, “I’ll be back”?
- Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?
- Pull the pin and count to what?
- Which wire was I supposed to cut?
- I wonder where the mother bear is.
- I’ve seen this done on TV.
- These are the good kind of mushrooms.
- I’ll hold it and you light the fuse.
- What’s that priest doing here?
- You look just like Charles Manson.
- Let it down slowly.
- Rat poison only kills rats.
- OK, I’ll go ahead and make your day.
- It can’t possibly rain for forty days and nights.
- I’ll get your toast out.
- Give me liberty or give me death.
- Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
- It’s strong enough for both of us.
- This doesn’t taste right.
- I can make this light before it changes.
- Nice doggie.
- I can do that with my eyes closed.
- I’ve done this before.
- Well we’ve made it this far.
- That’s odd.
- Hey that’s not a violin.
- I’ll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.
- I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.
- You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
Things That Can Drive a Sane Person Insane
- The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper that never works.
- There are always one or two ice cubes that won’t pop out of the tray.
- You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic tag in the middle of them.
- The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
- The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
- There’s always a car riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address.
- You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
- There’s a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING!
- You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
- Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
- You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
- You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
- Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you’re trying to get a reading.
- A station comes in brilliantly when you’re standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
- You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
- The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
- A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
- You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 PM instead of 7 am.
- You rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
- Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
- You can’t look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don’t know how to spell it.
- You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just browsing.
How to Tell When it’s Going to be a Rotten Day
- You put your bra on backwards and it fits better
- You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
- You see a “60 Minutes” news team waiting in your office
- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
- Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
- You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party last night and there aren’t any
- Your turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city
- Your twin forgot your birthday
- You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then you realize that you don’t have a waterbed
- Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway
- Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache
- Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat
- The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard
- You wake up and your braces are locked together
- You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose
- You call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business
- Your income tax check bounces
- Your blind date turns out to be your ex
- Your pet rock snaps at you
- Your wife says “Good Morning, Bill” and your name is George
- You put both contact lenses in the same eye
Signs That Ronald McDonald is Growing Up
- No longer signs paychecks in crayon.
- That new “Mr. Happy Meal.”
- Distinctive odor of bourbon and stale cigars at personal appearances.
- Two words: sagging buns.
- Replacing floppy red shoes with floppy black wingtips.
- Now offering “Happy Hour” Meals.
- No longer asks women if they want to see his McNuggets.
- Instead of size 46 shoe, now takes a size 62.
- Gin has replaced make-up as his nose-reddener.
- That telltale bottle of Clairol Fire Engine Red #4 in his shower.
- Seen with Jack-in-the-Box at strip clubs stuffing fries down g-strings.
- Three kids injured in unfortunate stubble incident.
- Has a McBeergut.
New Year’s Resolutions
Have any of you stuck to your New Years Resolutions???
- I will try to figure out why I “really” need 12 e-mail addresses.
- I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). A phone call every now and then would be appreciated.
- I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
- I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
- I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
- I resolve to back up my 600 GB hard drive daily…well, once a week…okay, monthly then…or maybe… at least once a year.
- I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
- I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then.
- When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”
- I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
- I will think of a password other than “password.”
- I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er… I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
- I will quit spending my entire day on Facebook and get out to see some real people face to fac… ooh, look at that status!
Rejected Motel 6 Slogans
- We’re working on that smell thing, too.
- Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
- As seen on “COPS”
- If We’d Known You Were Staying All Night, We’d Have Changed the Sheets
- Not just for nooners anymore.
- We left off the 9, but you know it’s there.
- You rented the room, now buy the video.
- Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn’t have money left over for a hooker.
- We’ll leave the Lysol for ya!
- Hey, we’re not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!
- We don’t make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*
- It’s Hookerriffic!
- Official Lodging of the 2002 Florida Marlins
- Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
- Cheap and Easy-Just Like Your Mother
- We put the “Ho” in “Motel”
Rejected Matzoh Flavors
- Peanut Butter Matzoh
- Chicken-Fried Steak Matzoh
- Gefilte Fish Matzoh
- Apple-Cinnamon Matzoh
- Cookies and Cream Matzoh
- Spearmint Matzoh
- Sun-Dried Tomato Matzoh
- Marshmallow Matzoh
- Licorice Matzoh
- Root Beer Matzoh
- Liver Matzoh
- Anchovy Matzoh
- Bubble-Gum Matzoh
- Chorizo Matzoh
- Menudo Matzoh
- Bacon Matzoh
Rejected Game Show Titles
- The Bong Show
- Whose Pants Are These, Anyway?
- Iron Fry Cook
- Dating Game v6.05 — Techies attempt to impress dates by answering unsolved help desk questions.
- “Who” or “Whom”?
- To Tell the Precisely Defined, Legally Defensible, Lawyer-Approved, Carefully Chosen Truth
- Bowling for Gum
- Kathie Lee Gifford’s “Who Wants To Make 50 Cents An Hour?”
- Leper-dy!
- Wheel of Fortran
- First Family Feud
- Who Wants To Be A Prison Bitch?
- Let’s Bake A Veal
- Win Ben Stein’s Undies