Dealing With Gifts You Don’t Like

What do you say when you get a gift you *Really Don’t Like*. (And does this work for Fruitcake too?)

  • “Well, well, well, now, there’s a gift!”
  • “No, with all the hostile takeovers this year, I missed the big Ronco/K-Tel/Ginsu merger. Would you just look at that! What will they think of next?!”
  • “Hey, as long as I don’t have to feed it, or clean up after it, or put batteries in it, I’m happy!”
  • “No, really, I didn’t know that there was a Chia Pet tie! Oh, wow! It’s a clip-on too!”
  • “You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory — what’s it called again?”
  • “You know what? — I’m going to find a special place to put this!”
  • “Boy, you don’t see craftsmanship like that every day!”
  • “And it’s such an interesting color too!”
  • “You say that was the last one? Am I ever glad that you snapped that baby up!”
  • “You shouldn’t have! I mean it — you really shouldn’t have!”

Rejected Motel 6 Slogans

  • We’re working on that smell thing, too.
  • Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
  • As seen on “COPS”
  • If We’d Known You Were Staying All Night, We’d Have Changed the Sheets
  • Not just for nooners anymore.
  • We left off the 9, but you know it’s there.
  • You rented the room, now buy the video.
  • Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn’t have money left over for a hooker.
  • We’ll leave the Lysol for ya!
  • Hey, we’re not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!
  • We don’t make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*
  • It’s Hookerriffic!
  • Official Lodging of the 2002 Florida Marlins
  • Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
  • Cheap and Easy-Just Like Your Mother
  • We put the “Ho” in “Motel”

Rejected Matzoh Flavors

  • Peanut Butter Matzoh
  • Chicken-Fried Steak Matzoh
  • Gefilte Fish Matzoh
  • Apple-Cinnamon Matzoh
  • Cookies and Cream Matzoh
  • Spearmint Matzoh
  • Sun-Dried Tomato Matzoh
  • Marshmallow Matzoh
  • Licorice Matzoh
  • Root Beer Matzoh
  • Liver Matzoh
  • Anchovy Matzoh
  • Bubble-Gum Matzoh
  • Chorizo Matzoh
  • Menudo Matzoh
  • Bacon Matzoh

Rejected Game Show Titles

  • The Bong Show
  • Whose Pants Are These, Anyway?
  • Iron Fry Cook
  • Dating Game v6.05 — Techies attempt to impress dates by answering unsolved help desk questions.
  • “Who” or “Whom”?
  • To Tell the Precisely Defined, Legally Defensible, Lawyer-Approved, Carefully Chosen Truth
  • Bowling for Gum
  • Kathie Lee Gifford’s “Who Wants To Make 50 Cents An Hour?”
  • Leper-dy!
  • Wheel of Fortran
  • First Family Feud
  • Who Wants To Be A Prison Bitch?
  • Let’s Bake A Veal
  • Win Ben Stein’s Undies

Rejected Names for Beanie Babies

  • Shapiro the Snake
  • Wheezy the Emphysemic Rat
  • Tapey the Worm
  • Limpy the Octopalegic Centipede
  • Roadkill the Dog
  • Zsa Zsa the Boar
  • Retchy the Wino
  • Newtie the Embattled House Speaker
  • The Antelope Formerly Known as Prince
  • Truman Coyote
  • Hooters the Exotic Dancer
  • Spanky the Monkey
  • Dolly the Sheep and Dolly the Sheep
  • Sucker the Beanie Baby Collector
  • L’Orange the Duck