Gifts Not to Get Anyone for Christmas

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The gift of a free membership to Weight Watchers
The “Monica gift set” including a cigar, beret, and stain remover
A ride-on vacuum cleaner — especially when she is expecting her favorite perfume.
A free consultation with Dr. Kevorkian
A Solar powered flashlight
A voucher for a free pap smear
A ten dollar gift certificate to McDonalds
Membership in Fruitcake of the Month club
The same lousy present that they gave you last year that you never opened and didn’t know how to get rid of it.

Gifts to Avoid this Holiday Season

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Washington Post — Style Invitational Challenge for the week was to come up with a terribly inappropriate Christmas gift idea.

2nd runner up
The Duncan YoGoes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties

1st runner up
5,200 pick up — a jumbo deck of cards that lets kids play a larger version of their favorite game

Honorable mentions:

Supersoaker 9000: For use on those hard to reach targets; NFL referees, low flying planes, and many more. At close range it can strip paint, clean rusty grills, and dig utility trenches.
The laff-o-minit jajic spellin’ tootor.
Doggie dentist — Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch.
Cuisin-Art — Turns mommy’s food processor into a spinning paint tool.
Water retention Wanda — Teaches kids the principles of the calendar.
Advanced play medical kit — includes colonoscope and speculum.
Chocolate covered lead soldiers.
Bungeroo — kid sized bungee kit for second story bedrooms.
Islamic strip poker — lose a hand, lose a hand.

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What do you say when you get a gift you *Really Don’t Like*. (And does this work for Fruitcake too?)

“Well, well, well, now, there’s a gift!”
“No, with all the hostile takeovers this year, I missed the big Ronco/K-Tel/Ginsu merger. Would you just look at that! What will they think of next?!”
“Hey, as long as I don’t have to feed it, or clean up after it, or put batteries in it, I’m happy!”
“No, really, I didn’t know that there was a Chia Pet tie! Oh, wow! It’s a clip-on too!”
“You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory — what’s it called again?”
“You know what? — I’m going to find a special place to put this!”
“Boy, you don’t see craftsmanship like that every day!”
“And it’s such an interesting color too!”
“You say that was the last one? Am I ever glad that you snapped that baby up!”
“You shouldn’t have! I mean it — you really shouldn’t have!”