Martha’s New Years’ Resolutions

  • Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 2022.
  • Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl’s shoe inserts into heat pump.
  • Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.
  • Spin silk cord to garrote squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand write staff their dismissal notes.
  • Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
  • Make personal address books out of old phone books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you do not know.
  • Review the Christmas ’96 show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.
  • Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
  • Gild lilies.
  • Beat The Donald on the next try.

New Year’s Resolutions

Have any of you stuck to your New Years Resolutions???

  • I will try to figure out why I “really” need 12 e-mail addresses.
  • I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). A phone call every now and then would be appreciated.
  • I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
  • I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
  • I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
  • I resolve to back up my 600 GB hard drive daily…well, once a week…okay, monthly then…or maybe… at least once a year.
  • I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
  • I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then.
  • When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”
  • I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
  • I will think of a password other than “password.”
  • I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er… I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
  • I will quit spending my entire day on Facebook and get out to see some real people face to fac… ooh, look at that status!

New Year’s Resolutions for Dogs

  • Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
  • Try to understand that the cat is from Venus, and I am from Mars.
  • I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
  • Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
  • Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
  • Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
  • Always scoot before licking.
  • Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
  • January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd – December 31st: Re-live victory over the sock.
  • I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.