Martha’s New Years’ Resolutions

  • Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 2022.
  • Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl’s shoe inserts into heat pump.
  • Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.
  • Spin silk cord to garrote squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand write staff their dismissal notes.
  • Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
  • Make personal address books out of old phone books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you do not know.
  • Review the Christmas ’96 show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.
  • Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
  • Gild lilies.
  • Beat The Donald on the next try.