How Many Members of Your Sign Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

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  • ARIES:
    Just one. You want to make something of it?

  • TAURUS:
    One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

  • GEMINI:
    Two, but the job never gets done-they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it’s supposed to be done!

  • CANCER:
    Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.

  • LEO:
    Leos don’t change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they’re out.

  • VIRGO:
    Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

  • LIBRA:
    Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

  • SCORPIO:
    That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

  • SAGITTARIUS:
    The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

  • CAPRICORN:
    I don’t waste my time with these childish jokes.

  • AQUARIUS:
    Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so….

  • PISCES:
    Light bulb? What light bulb?

You’ve Been Out of College Too Long When…

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  • Your potted plants stay alive.
  • You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
  • 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
  • You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
  • You carry an umbrella.
  • You watch the Weather Channel.
  • Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
  • You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
  • Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
  • You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.
  • Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
  • You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
  • Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
  • You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s.
  • Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
  • You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 PM.
  • Dinner and a movie – The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
  • MTV News is no longer your primary source of information.
  • You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
  • A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “Pretty good stuff.”
  • You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
  • Grocery lists are longer than Macaroni & Cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho’s.
  • “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
  • Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
  • You don’t get liquored up at home, to save money, before going to a bar.

You Know You’ve Had Too Much Coffee When…

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  • Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
  • You lick your coffeepot clean.
  • Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
  • You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
  • You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  • You’ve worn the finish off you coffee table.
  • The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  • Starbuck’s owns the mortgage on your house.
  • You’re so wired you pick up FM radio.
  • Your life’s goal is to “amount to a hill of beans.”
  • You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
  • You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar”.
  • Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

You Know You’re a Geek When…

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  • You look at a movie trailer and think, “I have that font.”
  • You know you are a geek when you set up an automatic rerouting of your email to your pager.
  • You are a geek when you get sudden attacks of bittersweet nostalgic feelings when thinking about your long-lost old Commodore 64, Sinclair ZX-81, TRS-80 (or whatever hardware you were raised on), and use large amounts of money/time trying to track one down.
  • You are wearing ten year old spectacles, made of steel.
  • You realize you never cook, eating only take-away pizza.
  • You check your web access-page more than once a day.
  • You seriously consider devoting a web page to your computer. (Not the brand, mind you, but the actual computer itself)
  • You have more email addresses than you do pairs of shoes.
  • You get depressed when you get less than 10 email messages a day.
  • You already know what you want to write both Master’s papers and your dissertation about, and you just graduated from College.
  • You can discuss the philosophical and physical differences among the Tangos.
  • Although vaguely insulted by pocket-protector jokes, you still find them funny.
  • You plan to get two Masters degrees.
  • You start getting paranoid you aren’t getting all your e-mail. (If you have sent me email, and there seems to be no life from me, try again.)
  • Someone asks you what languages you know, and you reply Upper Slavic, French, Esperanto and C.
  • You are on the Obscure Software and Computer Crap Junk Mailing Lists.
  • You can explain how AppleTalk Networks work.
  • Sleep and nightime are no longer irrevocably linked.
  • You arrange to get email access no matter where you go.
  • WAIS is your life.
  • You walk past a Con and people know who you are.
  • You have a definite philosphy of stacking wood for fires.
  • You hear the word “Scuzzy” and the first thing you think of is not an adjective.
  • You went to a high school where the only team with a winning record was the Chess team.
  • You rig up elaborate mechanisms to do really basic tasks.
  • You know about USENET cultures in groups you don’t even read.
  • You put your pathfinder on the web.
  • You get REALLY excited when people from countries with limited access to the ‘net are frequent visitors to your pages.
  • You don’t hand in final papers unless they’ve been formatted on a desktop publishing program.
  • You write web pages about your web pages.
  • Your favorite part of Geometry was proving theorems.
  • You’ve ever contemplated collecting graters.
  • You can remember your web address faster than your phone number.
  • You’ll spend a long time customizing a computer you’ll use for one day to the absolute pinacle of comfort, but you won’t bother to spend two hours sewing up a skirt, and wear the damn thing sarong style.
  • You do your best work after 11 p.m.
  • You work in a building where you need a badge to move between floors.
  • You calculate the odds of getting one of the primo parking spaces in relation to your apartment, factoring in time, weather, season, etc, and are accurate over 80% of the time.
  • You can count the number of moderately good hacker/computer dude type films on one hand. (I promised not to froth at the mouth when I went to go see The Net — I failed miserably.)
  • You’ve bought one of those license plate holders on which you can have your URL or email address embossed.
  • You head straight past People and the always entertaining Weekly World News for this month’s Computer Shopper.
  • You can track the geek gene through your family tree.
  • You froth at the mouth when someone talks about the “Information Superhighway.”
  • You are a member of the USENET elite, invoked in posts in threads to which you have not posted.
  • You can sing Tom Lehrer’s element song.
  • Not only is your computer in the centre of your room, it’s set up so as allow ‘netting from your couch, as well as your desk chair.
  • You arrange your jobs so you can telecommute.
  • You organise your CDs, so the tops all face upward, alphabetically, or by record label (If you do more than one of these, you are an Anal-Retentive Geek).
  • You spend a lot of time figuring out which of 100 adult goldfish are the most fertile, have the strongest genes, and combined to produce tiny little goldfish.
  • You carry an 32 gig flash drive to and from work.
  • You can sing “Smooth Rider” from Grease 2. If you do the hand movements while singing, you should get out more.
  • You plot to get your grandmother on Email.
  • You’ve ever contemplated devoting a web page to World News Now.

You Know You’re In Trouble When …

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  • Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
  • Your suggestion box starts ticking.
  • Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
  • You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had.
  • The simple instructions enclosed aren’t.
  • People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
  • You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
  • The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

Signs You Hired the Wrong Contractor

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  • Suspicious increase in number of 1-900-DRILLBIT calls charged to your line.
  • Uses “The Clapper” to turn power saw on and off.
  • Paints the living room with 15,000 bottles of White-Out.
  • Shows up with nothing but a strategically placed power drill and a butt crack the size of the Grand Canyon.
  • Flaming pentacle and mutilated goats in your basement.
  • Comes to work with a Bob Vila lunchbox, complete with crazy straw for the thermos.
  • Left hand: sledgehammer. Right hand: Colt 45 Malt Liquor.
  • On the day the insulation is to be put down, shows up wearing Pink Panther costume.
  • Mike Wallace from “60 Minutes” drops by with camera crew.
  • While painting: “One for the wall, one for me, one for the wall,…”
  • Keeps asking you to “adjust my tool, if y’know what I mean.”
  • His see-through teddy shows that he’s confused Victorian style with Victoria’s Secret.
  • Insists on spackling with his genitalia instead of with a trowel.
  • Runs out of shingles and starts using baloney slices.
  • Insists on trying out the new bedroom… with his entire stable of girlfriends.
  • Spends hours in your bathroom, flushing the toilet and saying, “Well I’ll be goldarned!”

Windbreakers Categorized

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  • The Vain Person: One who loves the smell of his own farts.
  • The Amiable Person: One who loves the smell of other peoples farts.
  • The Proud Person: One who thinks hisfarts are exceptionally fine.
  • The Shy Person: One who releases silent farts and then blushes.
  • The Impudent Person: One who farts loudly and then laughs.
  • The Scientific Person: One who farts regularly but is truly concerned about air pollution.
  • The Unfortunate Person: One who tries awfully hard to fart but shits instead.
  • The Nervous Person: One who stops in the middle of a fart.
  • The Honest Person: One who admits he farted but offers a medical reason for it.
  • The Dishonest Person: One who farts and then blames the dog.
  • The Foolish Person: One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
  • The Thrifty Person: One who always has several farts in reserve.
  • The Antisocial Person: One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
  • The Strategic Person: One who conceals his farts with loud laughter.
  • The Sadistic Person: One who farts in bed and then fluffs the bedcovers over his bed mates head.
  • The Intellectual Person: One who determines from the smell of his neighbor’s fart precisely the latest food item he consumed.
  • The Athletic Person: One who farts at the slightest exertion.
  • The Miserable Person: One who would truly love to but can’t fart at all.
  • The Sensitive Person: One who farts and then bursts into tears.
  • The Bruiser: One who farts so hard and loud that he bruises his butt cheeks.

Silly Warning Labels

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Somebody had a contest to see who could make up the stupidest warning labels for various products – these were winners and runners up!

  • On a cardboard windshield sun shade: “Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place.”
  • On an infant’s bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.
  • On a package of Fisherman’s Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship.
  • On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.
  • On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.
  • On a cup of McDonald’s coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
  • On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of $4.97.
  • On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening.
  • On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
  • On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
  • On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
  • On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed.
  • On Kevorkian’s suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats.
  • On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
  • On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
  • On a calendar: Use of term “Sunday” for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.
  • On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.
  • On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.
  • On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.
  • On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
  • On children’s alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
  • On a wet suit: Capacity, 1.
  • On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note.

Dealing With Gifts You Don’t Like

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What do you say when you get a gift you *Really Don’t Like*. (And does this work for Fruitcake too?)

  • “Well, well, well, now, there’s a gift!”
  • “No, with all the hostile takeovers this year, I missed the big Ronco/K-Tel/Ginsu merger. Would you just look at that! What will they think of next?!”
  • “Hey, as long as I don’t have to feed it, or clean up after it, or put batteries in it, I’m happy!”
  • “No, really, I didn’t know that there was a Chia Pet tie! Oh, wow! It’s a clip-on too!”
  • “You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory — what’s it called again?”
  • “You know what? — I’m going to find a special place to put this!”
  • “Boy, you don’t see craftsmanship like that every day!”
  • “And it’s such an interesting color too!”
  • “You say that was the last one? Am I ever glad that you snapped that baby up!”
  • “You shouldn’t have! I mean it — you really shouldn’t have!”

Unpublished Beatle Songs

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  • Got to Get You Off of My Wife
  • She Came In Through John’s Fragile Ego
  • She’s a Woman (Who Was a Man)
  • Can’t Buy Me Love (But Can Rent It by the Hour for 300 Big Ones)
  • Polythene Pam Anderson
  • Crackbird
  • Lucy In The Sky With Linus
  • Eleanor Furby
  • All You Need is Drugs
  • Nor-Region Woody
  • She Came in Through the Whitehouse Window
  • While My Guitar Gently Fetches £150,000 At Auction
  • I Wanna Hold You, Hans
  • Lay Me, Madonna