A Useful Tip

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.

Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency.

Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations.

Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.

Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.

In short: “Be brief and don’t use big words.”

Another Geek Test

  1. I have moss growing:
    a. In my garden
    b. In my bathroom
    c. In my kitchen
    d. On my teeth
  2. When I open my mouth at parties, people:
    a. Listen
    b. Ease away slowly
    c. Stuff a live weasel down my throat
  3. I think computers are:
    a. Uninteresting
    b. Interesting
    c. Too damn small for the stuff I want to do
  4. I think sheep are:
    a. Uninteresting
    b. Interesting
    c. Annoyingly far away from where I live
  5. The Usenet Oracle is:
    a. A pack of weenies who think about “Lisa” way too much
    b. Interesting
    c. Not appreciative of the great answers I write; the Priesthood is out to get me
  6. The gender I desire to have sexual relations with is
    a. Difficult to understand
    b. Impossible to understand
    c. Clearly from a different planet
    d. How should I know? I’ve only seen pictures
  7. Bill Gates is:
    a. Bill who?
    b. Very wealthy
    c. Head of Microsoft, which produces some widely used products
    d. The Antichrist
  8. In general, people:
    a. Like me
    b. Don’t like me
    c. People? What people?
  9. My friends are:
    a. Diverse
    b. People I know from work or school
    c. Wearing the same clothing I am
  10. My dream vacation is:
    a. Tibet
    b. Europe
    c. California
    d. In a room with lots of fluorescent lights and an unlimited supply of coffee
  11. My job prospects are:
    a. Abysmal
    b. Adequate
    c. I’ll never be out of work, you hear me? Never!
    d. They pay people to do this?

Score 0 for each A, 1 for each B, 2 for each C, and 3 for each D.

19 or more: Yep. You’re a computer geek, all right.

13 – 18: You’re a geek of some stripe or another.

7 – 12: Probably not a geek, but watch it…

0 – 6: If you’re of the opposite sex, could you leave a note for me in the personals column? Please? Hello?

You Know You’re a Geek When…

  • You look at a movie trailer and think, “I have that font.”
  • You know you are a geek when you set up an automatic rerouting of your email to your pager.
  • You are a geek when you get sudden attacks of bittersweet nostalgic feelings when thinking about your long-lost old Commodore 64, Sinclair ZX-81, TRS-80 (or whatever hardware you were raised on), and use large amounts of money/time trying to track one down.
  • You are wearing ten year old spectacles, made of steel.
  • You realize you never cook, eating only take-away pizza.
  • You check your web access-page more than once a day.
  • You seriously consider devoting a web page to your computer. (Not the brand, mind you, but the actual computer itself)
  • You have more email addresses than you do pairs of shoes.
  • You get depressed when you get less than 10 email messages a day.
  • You already know what you want to write both Master’s papers and your dissertation about, and you just graduated from College.
  • You can discuss the philosophical and physical differences among the Tangos.
  • Although vaguely insulted by pocket-protector jokes, you still find them funny.
  • You plan to get two Masters degrees.
  • You start getting paranoid you aren’t getting all your e-mail. (If you have sent me email, and there seems to be no life from me, try again.)
  • Someone asks you what languages you know, and you reply Upper Slavic, French, Esperanto and C.
  • You are on the Obscure Software and Computer Crap Junk Mailing Lists.
  • You can explain how AppleTalk Networks work.
  • Sleep and nightime are no longer irrevocably linked.
  • You arrange to get email access no matter where you go.
  • WAIS is your life.
  • You walk past a Con and people know who you are.
  • You have a definite philosphy of stacking wood for fires.
  • You hear the word “Scuzzy” and the first thing you think of is not an adjective.
  • You went to a high school where the only team with a winning record was the Chess team.
  • You rig up elaborate mechanisms to do really basic tasks.
  • You know about USENET cultures in groups you don’t even read.
  • You put your pathfinder on the web.
  • You get REALLY excited when people from countries with limited access to the ‘net are frequent visitors to your pages.
  • You don’t hand in final papers unless they’ve been formatted on a desktop publishing program.
  • You write web pages about your web pages.
  • Your favorite part of Geometry was proving theorems.
  • You’ve ever contemplated collecting graters.
  • You can remember your web address faster than your phone number.
  • You’ll spend a long time customizing a computer you’ll use for one day to the absolute pinacle of comfort, but you won’t bother to spend two hours sewing up a skirt, and wear the damn thing sarong style.
  • You do your best work after 11 p.m.
  • You work in a building where you need a badge to move between floors.
  • You calculate the odds of getting one of the primo parking spaces in relation to your apartment, factoring in time, weather, season, etc, and are accurate over 80% of the time.
  • You can count the number of moderately good hacker/computer dude type films on one hand. (I promised not to froth at the mouth when I went to go see The Net — I failed miserably.)
  • You’ve bought one of those license plate holders on which you can have your URL or email address embossed.
  • You head straight past People and the always entertaining Weekly World News for this month’s Computer Shopper.
  • You can track the geek gene through your family tree.
  • You froth at the mouth when someone talks about the “Information Superhighway.”
  • You are a member of the USENET elite, invoked in posts in threads to which you have not posted.
  • You can sing Tom Lehrer’s element song.
  • Not only is your computer in the centre of your room, it’s set up so as allow ‘netting from your couch, as well as your desk chair.
  • You arrange your jobs so you can telecommute.
  • You organise your CDs, so the tops all face upward, alphabetically, or by record label (If you do more than one of these, you are an Anal-Retentive Geek).
  • You spend a lot of time figuring out which of 100 adult goldfish are the most fertile, have the strongest genes, and combined to produce tiny little goldfish.
  • You carry an 32 gig flash drive to and from work.
  • You can sing “Smooth Rider” from Grease 2. If you do the hand movements while singing, you should get out more.
  • You plot to get your grandmother on Email.
  • You’ve ever contemplated devoting a web page to World News Now.

Have You Ever Considered a Geek?

In the pool of potential mates comes a man you may not have considered before, a man of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature with a culture all his own. In short, a geek.

Why Geeks Rule:

  • They are generally available.
  • Other women will tend not to steal them.
  • They can fix things.
  • Your parents will love them.
  • They’re smart.

Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands. If you can hang with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates. They are the most attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more alluring over time. You might notice that these men harbor some strange ideas about how the world works and some particularly strange ideas about women. There is a reason for this. It is because they’ve had limited interpersonal experience. You do have to monitor your geek for weight gain; however, remember that most of their days are spent sitting and staring at a monitor.

The greatest thing about your geek’s buddies is that you can feel secure in setting them up with your girlfriends. They may feel awkward around females at first, so don’t overwhelm them. In time they will come out of their shell and realize that you are into the same things they are. Because they have been so abused and ignored by society, many geeks have gone underground.

You may actually know some and just haven’t noticed them. They often feel resentful, and misunderstood, and it is important to realize this as you grow closer to them. Don’t ever try to force the issue, or make crazy demands that he choose between his computer and you. Remember, his computer has been there for him his whole life; you are a new interloper he hasn’t quite grasped yet.

A Talking Frog

A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. “Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.” The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.

The frog starts shouting, “Hey! Didn’t you hear me? I’m a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.” The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.

The frog is really frustrated. “I don’t get it. Why won’t you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.”

The guy says, “Look, I’m a computer geek. I don’t have time for girls… But a talking frog is cool!”

How to Get a Life

It’s never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn’t as painful as kidney stones.

Difficulty Level: Hard
Time Required: Years

Here’s How:

  • Let go of the mouse.
  • Turn off the computer.
  • Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.
  • Eat something other than taco chips.
  • Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.
  • Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.
  • Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don’t tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.
  • Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible).
  • Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.
  • When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.
  • If you see someone, say “Hi” to them instead of poking them.
  • Visit a friend that you haven’t spoken to in years because they don’t have an email address.
  • Have “.com” officially removed from behind your name.
  • Go on a date with someone you didn’t meet in a chat room.

Going Outside

Face it, you’re gonna have to go outside eventually. Sure, Amazon.com will deliver right to your door and now even Taco Bell does deliveries, but, mark my words: some day you’re going to HAVE to push away from the computer and go … OUTSIDE!!! Here’s a guide:

  • Wear pants
    Countless attempts to better oneself have been cut tragically short by leaving the house without proper attire.
  • Use your real name
    Sorry, but nobody will be impressed if you go by the name “2HOT4U”, “Monarch” or “SATAN666.” Names like “Steve” or “Greg” are just fine.
  • The telephone is your friend
    Hear that ringing sound? Pick up the phone. Now speak into it.
  • If your car crashes, you cannot simply reboot it.
  • Do not be surprised that nobody looks like Gillian Anderson or Emma Stone.
  • Do not flame people
    Comparing everyone you disagree with to unclean primates will not win you friends. In fact, you may get into a physical fight. If so, the next tip may be of help.
  • That Red Stuff is Called Blood
    Not to be confused with ketchup, blood is what keeps you alive. If you are leaking, the real world offers human tech support in the form of doctors and hospitals.

Gifts for the Computer Addict

Are you having a hard time finding the right gift for the computer addict whose PC has everything? Not another Dilbert necktie, or King’s Quest XLVIII. Try one of these.

  • CD-ROM rewinder. (For blondes only.)
  • Virtual reality beer.
  • NoseBlaster smell card — the latest in multi-media technology. The deluxe version comes with direct-feed nostril tubes for the ultimate in virtual olfactory experience.
  • True-Type font modeled on their handwriting. The last word in non-reversible encryption. (May not be exported from the country.)
  • 72-inch monitor.
  • 20-foot mouse extension cord – a must for the 72-inch monitor.
  • Michael Jackson-to-Michael Jackson Morph screen saver — endless variations.
  • Bedpan — Why leave your computer just for that? (Not for use with NoseBlaster.)

The Geek Test

These are geek wannabees. Now that geeks are in, everybody wants to be a geek. To tell the geeks from the pseudo-geeks, I’ve developed this test:

  1. When you open your phone bill, what do you do with it?
    1. pay the bill
    2. stick the bill in the mess on your desk
    3. sit down and read the insert
  2. You have three choices of reading material. Which do you read?
    1. the sports section of the paper
    2. Wired Magzine
    3. the dictionary
  3. Your prized possession would be…
    1. one of Babe Ruth’s baseballs,
    2. an autographed picture of Bill Gates
    3. a map of the telephone company service areas for your state
  4. A major goal in your life is to…
    1. get as rich as Bill Gates
    2. develop a new game that will become wildly popular
    3. track the response times of TIA versus PPP and SLIP

Answers: If you answered A to each question, you’re definitely not a geek. If you answered B to each question, you’re a wanna-be. If you answered C to each question, you’re pure Geek and I’d like to meet you.

Computer Geek Pick-Up Lines

  • Nice Set of Floppies!
  • Hey, how ’bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.
  • I’d like to play on your laptop.
  • Need me to unzip your files?
  • If you were an ISP I’d dial you all day long
  • I’d like to boot up your PC !
  • I’ll bet my hard drive is the biggest you’ve ever seen.
  • I’ve got a 21 inch… (monitor)
  • I’d get a T3 to watch your streaming video…
  • Your homepage or mine?