Signs Your Psychic Is a Phony

  • Keeps shaking black “crystal ball,” then saying, “Ask again later.”
  • Tells you you’re going to die but doesn’t exactly know when or how.
  • Every time you draw the Death card, she yells “Go Fish!”
  • Looks suspiciously like that guy who fixed your muffler last week.
  • Brunswick insignia on “crystal ball.”
  • His idea of an “out of body experience” involves whipped cream and women’s clothing.
  • Instead of a Oujia board, has a Wedgie board.
  • During seance, shouts in voice of Wolfman Jack, “Milli Vanilli will be back!”
  • His spoon bending requires two pliers.
  • Sign in window: “As Seen on ’60 Minutes'”
  • During card-reading, asks if you want to “hit” or “stand”.
  • Insists that your astrological sign is “The Armadillo.”
  • Psychics Magazine rates her just below fortune cookies, just above your mom.
  • Repeatedly attempts to read your palm with his genitalia.
  • Shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm.
  • Easily fooled by ‘Can of Snakes’ gag.
  • Lakers in 4.
  • “Ethereal Aroma of the Kindred Spirits” effect during seance only occurs after a chili-dog lunch.
  • Just keeps saying in his Mr. T voice, “My prediction: Pain!”