- Multitasking
You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting! - Built-in Networking
You can crash several PC’s all at once. No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash. - Microsoft Network
Connect with other Windows users and talk about your crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will be organized. - PnP
Plug and Pray (that it works) - Multimedia
Experience the immense sight and sound of crashing. Compatible with existing software It will also crash your existing software. - Increased Productivity
You will need to *increase* your budget to buy more *products* like RAM and Hard Drives. Better yet, get a new computer! That’s productivity. - User-Friendly
Picture of clouds - State of the Art
Pay for Bill’s next bid for a work of art. - Macintosh-like
It took Microsoft eleven years and it’s not even original. - Online Registration
Dial into Microsoft and let them snoop around your hard drive. This will guarantee you a place in Microsoft’s files for the rest of your life. - MS Plus
More money for Bill’s plus side. - Optimize
It will increase the utilization of your hard drive and CPU so much so that you’ll end up upgrading your system.
Tag Archives: lists
How to Tell if Technology Has Taken Over Your Life
- Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.
- You can no longer sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
- You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because there isn’t one typewriter in your house — only computers with laser printers.
- You think of the gadgets in your office as “friends,” but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
- You disdain people who use low Baud rates.
- When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers — and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers’ questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
- You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
- You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase “digital compression.” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.
- You know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
- You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
- You sign Christmas cards by putting 🙂 next to your signature.
- Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
- You back up your data every day.
- Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.
- You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
- On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
- The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
- You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
- You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
- You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
- You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
- You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
- Al Gore strikes you as an “intriguing” fellow.
- You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
- While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
- You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
- You rotate your profile pictures more frequently than your automobile tires.
- You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
- You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better — the track ball or the track *pad*.
- You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don’t use a laptop.
- You email this message to your friends over the net. You’d never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.
You Know You’re Hooked When…
- Your wife wants a diamond for her birthday, and you get her a Diamond Stealth Video Card.
- You’re in bed, making it, and it reminds you of how it must feel to be a floppy disk going into your new drive.
- You know what PPP, SLIP, HTML and FTP mean…but damned if you can remember your wife’s maiden name or your wedding anniversary. Don’t even talk about the kids’ names!
- You sit in front of the TV…trying to type at a keyboard.
- You “right click”….on your wife’s nipples.
- The “cute name” for your member has changed to “Joystick”….and you hold it the same way.
- You find out that Hemorrhoids aren’t THAT painful, as long as you’re on the ‘Net.
- When someone yells out “What’s for supper?” you do a search for SUPPER.COM.
- Whenever your wife mentions “protection”, you remind yourself that you gotta get a keyboard protector.
- You suspect there’s a virus in your mashed potatoes.
You Know You’re a High Tech Worker If…
- You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
- Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
- Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
- Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um.
- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
- You learn about your layoff on CNN.
- Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
- Your supervisor hasn’t the ability to do your job assignment.
- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
- Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the
Third World countries’ annual budgets combined. - Your home phone has none of the features you developed cuz you’re never there.
- It’s dark when you drive to and from work.
- Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
- Communication is something your group is having problems with.
- You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
- A tie is hanging in your cube.
- Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
- Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
- Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the hospital.
- You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say “Oh wow, thanks!”
- All real work gets started after 5pm or on weekends.
- Everyone fights fires (i.e. problems).
- Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
- Plants in your cube are healthier than your plants at home.
- Your boss’ favorite lines are “when you get a few minutes,” “in your spare time,” “when you’re freed up,” and “I have an opportunity for you.”
- 10% of the people you work with — no one (boss included) knows what they do.
- Vacation is something you rollover to next year or a check you get every January.
- Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers” or “does something with telephones.”
- Change is the norm.
- Nepotism is encouraged.
- You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
- You read this entire list and understood it.
Yorn uh Goood O’l Boy Ifin…
Yorn uh goood O’l Boy ifin yah tink tha follin:
- LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
- LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
- MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
- DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
- MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
- FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
- RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
- HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
- PROMPT: Whut the mail ain’t in the winter time.
- WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it’s cold outside.
- SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it’s blak fly season.
- BYTE: Whut them flys do.
- CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
- MICRO CHIP: Whut’s in the bottom of the munchie bag.
- MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
- DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix’s wife.
- LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
- KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the keys.
- SOFTWARE: Them plastic forks and knifs.
- MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
- MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
- PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
- ENTER: Northerner talk fer “C’mon in y’all”
- RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain’t ‘member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
- MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
Computer Geek Pick-Up Lines
- Nice Set of Floppies!
- Hey, how ’bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.
- I’d like to play on your laptop.
- Need me to unzip your files?
- If you were an ISP I’d dial you all day long
- I’d like to boot up your PC !
- I’ll bet my hard drive is the biggest you’ve ever seen.
- I’ve got a 21 inch… (monitor)
- I’d get a T3 to watch your streaming video…
- Your homepage or mine?
How to Confuse People in the Computer Lab
- Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “NO!!! They’ve found me!” and bolt.
- Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
- Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
- Mumble “If it says escape, how come I can’t escape this freaking lab!” just loud enough for those next to you to hear.
- Press the Help Key (F1) repeatedly, screaming such oddball statements as “Help? You call that help?” and “And just when does the REAL help person arrive?” or “Doesn’t this give me a direct link to the Help Desk?” at your screen as it flips out.
- Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it’s set up with.
- Reconfigure the keyboards to use different language layouts.
- Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say “Just in case…”
- Make up commands and ask everyone if they know what they do. (Like Flip.. the diskettes say they are double sided, double density, right? Well, Flip lets you use the other side. And what about Perk… it is supposed to make things go faster and refresh your screen more frequently…)
- Have a contest to see how far you can throw your mouse ball. Get the rest of the lab to take bets to see who can toss their balls the furthest.
- Caress your mouse tenderly as you wrap your hand around it. Make kissing noises everytime you have to click one of the buttons.
- Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your pants and say, “Oops, I forgot.”
- Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the floppy disc drive, when it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.
- Assign a musical note to every key (i.e. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
- Run around asking everyone which key is the “Any” key. Insist it has to be just one certain key.
- Borrow someone else’s keyboard by reaching over, saying “Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?”, unplugging the keyboard and taking it.
- Run into the computer lab, shout “Armageddon is here!” and then calmly sit down and begin to type.
What Your Computer is Trying to Tell You
- It says: “Press Any Key”
It means: “Press any key you like but I’m not moving.” - It says: “Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E”
It means: “… where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it’s a hardware problem.” - It says: “Installing program to C:
….”
It means: “… And I’ll also be writing a few files into c:windows and c:windowssystem where you’ll NEVER find them.” - It says: “Please insert disk 11”
It means: “Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks.” - It says: “Not enough memory”
It means: “I don’t CARE if you’ve got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K.” - It says: “Cannot read from drive D:….”
It means: “… However, if you put the CD in right side up…” - It says: “Please Wait….”
It means: “… Indefinitely.” - It says: “Directory does not exist….”
It means: “…. any more. Whoops.” - It says: “The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close.”
It means: “….Makes no difference to me, you’re still not getting your work back.”
Computer Viruses
- PBS Virus
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. - Elvis Virus
Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. - Ollie North Virus
Causes your printer to become a paper shredder. - Nike Virus
Just does it. - Sears Virus
Your data won’t appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks. - Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again. - Kevorkian Virus
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy. - Health Care Virus
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500. - George Bush Virus
It starts by boldly stating, “Read my docs… no new files!” on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus. - Colin Powell Virus
Makes its presence known, but doesn’t do anything. Secretly, you wish it would. - Bill Clinton Virus
Corrupts your help files by fondling them, then denies anything has happened. - Hillary Clinton Virus
Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory. - Barack Obama Virus
We are not sure where this one came from, but it spends every cent you and your entire state will ever earn for the next 10 generations on family vacations and then asks for time off. - O.J. Simpson Virus
You know it’s guilty of trashing your system, but you just can’t prove it. - Bob Dole Virus
Could be virulent, but it’s been around too long to be much of a threat. - Bobbitt Virus
Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.) - Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200GB. - Paul Revere Virus
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C: - Politically Correct Virus
Never identifies itself as a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic micro-organism”. - Arnold Schwarzeneggar Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back. - Dan Quayle Virus
Their is sumthing rong with yor komputer, but ewe cant figyour outt watt! - Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. - Texas Virus
Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file. - Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple. - Airline Luggage Virus
You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. - Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own mother board. - Star Trek Virus
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Computer Points to Ponder
- Do Viruses ever get sick?
- Do witches run spell checkers?
- Does a broken Window get you 7 meg. of bad luck?
- Does fuzzy logic tickle?
- How come programmers find it so easy to master the special language that runs computers, yet those same folks who write the technical manuals for the rest of us have no grip on simple English?
- How come the users can find all the computer bugs and not the programmers or analysts?
- How do you press F1 when your PC has a keyboard error or no keyboard present?
- If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?
- If Ignorance is Bliss, then why aren’t there more happy Windows 8 users?
- If we can make semiconductors, why can’t we make complete conductors?
- If you access the Internet from the country, does that mean you have a down home page?
- In DoubleSpace, can anyone hear your data scream?
- In Microsoft Word, why does the spell checker recommend changing the word ‘zzzz’ to ‘sex’ ?
- Is AOL so expensive because someone has to pay for those free disks?
- Is it true that in Russia, a KGB keyboard has no escape key?
- Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
- Just where is the “any” key anyway?
- Was Jimi Hendrix’s modem a Purple Hayes?
- What kind of locks do computer keys open?
- When you turn your computer monitor off, does the screen saver still work?
- Which one is the fatherboard?
- Who actually clicks on the “No, I am not over 18” links on “adult” pages?
- Why are disks called floppy and paper is hardcopy?
- Why can’t they make mainframes PC compatible?
- Why do computer users only blink an average of 7 times per minute, while the average person blinks 22 times per minute?
- Why do most software developers call bugs they can’t fix, features?
- Why do some on-line modem access software programs tell you to go and download the latest version of the software if you can’t get the product to work? Just how are you going to do that?
- Why do they call it a hard disk if its damaged with the slightest impact?
- Why do we call it downloading when as often as not it’s freeloading?
- Why do we trust computers when they make as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 people working 20 years make?
- Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?
- Why does the “save” icon on Microsoft Word show a floppy disk with the shutter on backwards? This is not very reassuring!
- Why does the computer auto-save while you are trying to delete?
- Why doesn’t the ‘esc’ key work in Leavenworth?
- Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or filename”?
- Why is a keyboard called a keyboard if it only has little buttons?
- Why is it that whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition?
- Why do people insist on telling everybody to go and check their homepage but don’t actually let you record your checkmark?
- Don’t you just hate it when you’ve completely finished your newly created web page…..and the server goes down as you’re uploading?