- “Survivor Virus”
Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains.
- Elian Virus
You can’t decide what to do with it, until finally the Janet Reno Virus kicks in your door and deletes it.
- Microsoft Virus
Renders your computer virtually useless. Also known by the name “Windows 2000.”
- Tiger Woods Virus
Beats the holy crap out of you in every computer game you play.
- Wonderbra Virus
Results in overflow stack.
- O.J. Virus
Every time you try to search for a file, it runs “Pro Golf Tour 2015” instead.
- Britney Spears Virus
Your partitions mysteriously quadruple in size overnight.
- John Rocker Virus
Re-categorizes everything on your computer into a few simple folders that it can understand.
- Boulder Police Virus
Can’t even *find* your computer.
- Obama Virus
Develops highly time-consuming ways to spend every cent possible to achieve nothing. Leaves you bankrupt for generations.
No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:
- They replicate quickly. Okay, Windows does that.
- Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. Okay, Windows does that.
- Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. Okay, Windows does that, too.
- Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems Sigh… Windows does that, too.
- Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that’s with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So, Windows is *not* a virus
Software giant A’Gents has teemed up with the premium chip manufacturer Intel to create a new company devoted to fighting computer viruses and other software problems.
The new self-named company’s software, called “Intel A’Gents”, claims that once a computer operator has it, no virus will be able to infect a computer. “Someone with Intel A’Gents would automatically have the most up to date anti-virus software and would be making regular backups of their data.”
More importantly, virus hoaxes and rumors of viruses will be a thing of the past. “The recent subflnk.exe virus hoax and the more famous AOL.EXE virus,” said Intel A’Gents spokesman Albert Hawkings, “wouldn’t have caused the least bit of concern. People would have brushed off the subflnk virus and had a good chuckle at the AOL.EXE virus if they’d only had Intel A’Gents.”
Analysts say if Intel A’Gents catches on (and that’s a big if) then the entire Internet (as well as all of computing) will be changed forever. Hawkings says, “Imagine, if you will, no more chain letters. No more ‘get rich quick’ schemes. No more SPAM because people who have Intel A’Gents would never buy something from a SPAMmer.”
Hawkings was optimistic about the future of chat rooms, online forums, and message boards. “Just think of the literate postings you could see. The well thought out missives of people who have Intel A’Gents. Even on the personal boards, there’d be no more ‘A/S/L’ or ‘i need sum sex cuz im hornny’ postings because people with Intel A’Gents would concentrate on intimacy — which is far sexier, of course. I’d go so far as to say a person who has Intel A’Gents would be considered *very* sexy.”
Software itself will change, Hawkings says. “Anyone who has Intel A’Gents won’t automatically buy the latest and greatest upgrade just because it’s ‘new.’ Intel A’Gents will advise a purchase only on the grounds it improves productivity. This will cause software manufacturers to make *real* improvements in their software and not just cosmetic changes solely in order to get a few bucks on
an upgrade charge.”
Hawkings admits their greatest challenge will be AOL and WebTV. “AOL has flat told us if someone has Intel A’Gents then they won’t use AOL at all. As far as WebTV goes, it’s not even a real computer. So, anyone using WebTV can’t possibly have Intel A’Gents.”
Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of “I Love You”
variations and how to recognize them:
- The “I Love You, Too” virus responds with an appropriate letter stating that the user loves you as well. Spreads peace and harmony throughout the corporate workplace, causing lost productivity and chaos on Wall Street as no one tries to screw anyone else out of a deal.
- The “I Love You, But I’m Shy” virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.
- The “Unrequited Love” virus causes your computer to be so obsessed with a virus-a virus that it can never have-that it can no longer function.
- The “Love The One You’re With” virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.
- The “Can’t We Just Be Friends” virus makes your computer think it’s interested in invading. Then, just when your computer is getting excited about the invasion, it breaks off the connection with your computer, dashing its hard drive against the rocks.
- The “I’m looking for more of a commitment” virus – Receives the “I love you” virus email and immediately schedules a recurring event called “hold for my sweetie” for Friday and Saturdays into your calendar and the calendar of the person who sent the mail, registers you for a year of pre-paid videos at Blockbuster.com, and deletes any appointments called “Golf with the guys” or “Night out with the Girls.” It also erases the phone number from the contact card for your ‘ex’, and puts in a monthly reminder for the anniversary of your first date.
- The “One Night Stand” virus invades your computer, turns its hard drive upside down, then disappears after promising to come back sometime. But it leaves a twenty in your online bank account.
- The “Happily Married” virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.
- The “Unhappily Married” virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.
- The “I Can’t Commit” virus hangs around a computer for a long time and frequently sends messages that it intends to invade, but is really just interested in playing with your computer’s data.
- The “It’s Just A Physical Thing” virus invades your computer on a regular basis, but no meaningful data is ever exchanged.
- The “I Want A Divorce” virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer is never turned on, then finally leaves. But it returns some time later and takes half of your computer’s best data in an ugly network session.
- The “Little Virus Of The Evening” virus will do anything to your computer–if you’re willing to pay the right price.
- The “Stalker” virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and trying to record its most intimate functions.
- The “Forever Single” virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.
- The “Deadbeat Dad” virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.
- The “Married Too Long” virus splits your PC into two partitions that never interface-one that does too much online shopping and one that never does anything except monitor espn.com. — This message is done on 100% recycled electrons.
- The “Let’s just be friends” virus – Immediately deletes the “I love you” virus, sends a “Let’s Just be friends” response, and books you for a discount weekend at Hedonism at an online travel site.
- The “Unsafe Sex” virus – Spreads unprotected files to every other hard disk on the net.
- The “Safe Sex” virus – Wraps the “I Love You letter” in a container that keeps it from spreading 99.45% of the time.
- The “Sexual Harassment Lawsuit” virus – Forwards a copy of the “I Love You” virus to Human Resources and to your lawyer with threatening legal language attached. Automatically accepts settlement offer emails over $100k.
This virus works on the honor system.
Please delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward this message to everyone you know. Thank you for your cooperation.
- PBS Virus
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
- Elvis Virus
Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
- Ollie North Virus
Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
- Nike Virus
Just does it.
- Sears Virus
Your data won’t appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
- Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again.
- Kevorkian Virus
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
- Health Care Virus
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
- George Bush Virus
It starts by boldly stating, “Read my docs… no new files!” on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.
- Colin Powell Virus
Makes its presence known, but doesn’t do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.
- Bill Clinton Virus
Corrupts your help files by fondling them, then denies anything has happened.
- Hillary Clinton Virus
Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.
- Barack Obama Virus
We are not sure where this one came from, but it spends every cent you and your entire state will ever earn for the next 10 generations on family vacations and then asks for time off.
- O.J. Simpson Virus
You know it’s guilty of trashing your system, but you just can’t prove it.
- Bob Dole Virus
Could be virulent, but it’s been around too long to be much of a threat.
- Bobbitt Virus
Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)
- Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200GB.
- Paul Revere Virus
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C:
- Politically Correct Virus
Never identifies itself as a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic micro-organism”.
- Arnold Schwarzeneggar Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.
- Dan Quayle Virus
Their is sumthing rong with yor komputer, but ewe cant figyour outt watt!
- Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
- Texas Virus
Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.
- Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.
- Airline Luggage Virus
You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
- Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own mother board.
- Star Trek Virus
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
The “I Love You” virus that infects users of Microsoft’s Windows Live Mail has morphed. Watch for these variations:
- The “I love you, too” virus:
Responds with an appropriate letter stating that the user loves you as well. Spreads peace and harmony throughout the corporate workplace, causing lost productivity and chaos on Wall Street as no one tries to screw anyone else out of a deal.
- The “I’m looking for more of a commitment” virus
Receives the “I love you” virus email and immediately schedules a recurring event called “hold for my sweetie” for Friday and Saturdays into your calendar and the calendar of the person who sent the mail, registers you for a year of pre-paid videos at Blockbuster.com, and deletes any appointments called “Golf with the guys” or “Night out with the Girls.” It also erases the phone number from the contact card for your ‘ex’, and puts in a monthly reminder for the anniversary of your first date.
- The “Let’s just be friends” virus
Immediately deletes the “I love you” virus, sends a “Let’s Just be friends” response, and books you for a discount weekend at Hedonism at an online travel site.
- The “Unsafe Sex” virus
Spreads unprotected files to every other hard disk on the net.
- The “Safe Sex” virus
Wraps the “I Love You letter” in a container that keeps it from spreading 99.45% of the time.
- The “Sexual Harassment Lawsuit” virus
Forwards a copy of the “I Love You” virus to Human Resources and to your lawyer with threatening legal language attached. Automatically accepts settlement offer e-mails over $100k.
More variations are being discovered every day, so make sure you update your virus protection.
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
If you receive an e-mail with a subject of “HighTimes,” delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most viscous and dangerous Email virus yet.
It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.
It will recalibrate your refrigerator’s coolness setting so all your ice cream gets melted.
It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your DVD player and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you try to play.
It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number.
It will mix antifreeze into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there’s company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
HighTimes will make you fall in love with a penguin.
It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.
It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of HighTimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can’t find it.
It will kick your dog.
It will leave libidinous messages on your boss’s voice mail in your voice!
It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
HighTimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.
It will leave the toilet seat up.
It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase high school kids with your new snowblower.
These are just a few of the signs… Be very careful!
***** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *****
This is straight from DC:
If you receive an email entitled “Badtimes”, delete it IMMEDIATELY.
Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your DVD and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play.It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD’S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and you Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the “Badtimes” message opened in a Windows 7 or 8 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, It will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******
And if you don’t send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you’ll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send to everyone …..
In case you are a blonde, this is a joke.
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