Nasty New Computer Viruses

  • “Survivor Virus”
    Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains.
  • Elian Virus
    You can’t decide what to do with it, until finally the Janet Reno Virus kicks in your door and deletes it.
  • Microsoft Virus
    Renders your computer virtually useless. Also known by the name “Windows 2000.”
  • Tiger Woods Virus
    Beats the holy crap out of you in every computer game you play.
  • Wonderbra Virus
    Results in overflow stack.
  • O.J. Virus
    Every time you try to search for a file, it runs “Pro Golf Tour 2015” instead.
  • Britney Spears Virus
    Your partitions mysteriously quadruple in size overnight.
  • John Rocker Virus
    Re-categorizes everything on your computer into a few simple folders that it can understand.
  • Boulder Police Virus

    Can’t even *find* your computer.
  • Obama Virus
    Develops highly time-consuming ways to spend every cent possible to achieve nothing. Leaves you bankrupt for generations.