How to Confuse People in the Computer Lab

  • Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “NO!!! They’ve found me!” and bolt.
  • Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
  • Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
  • Mumble “If it says escape, how come I can’t escape this freaking lab!” just loud enough for those next to you to hear.
  • Press the Help Key (F1) repeatedly, screaming such oddball statements as “Help? You call that help?” and “And just when does the REAL help person arrive?” or “Doesn’t this give me a direct link to the Help Desk?” at your screen as it flips out.
  • Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it’s set up with.
  • Reconfigure the keyboards to use different language layouts.
  • Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say “Just in case…”
  • Make up commands and ask everyone if they know what they do. (Like Flip.. the diskettes say they are double sided, double density, right? Well, Flip lets you use the other side. And what about Perk… it is supposed to make things go faster and refresh your screen more frequently…)
  • Have a contest to see how far you can throw your mouse ball. Get the rest of the lab to take bets to see who can toss their balls the furthest.
  • Caress your mouse tenderly as you wrap your hand around it. Make kissing noises everytime you have to click one of the buttons.
  • Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your pants and say, “Oops, I forgot.”
  • Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the floppy disc drive, when it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.
  • Assign a musical note to every key (i.e. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
  • Run around asking everyone which key is the “Any” key. Insist it has to be just one certain key.
  • Borrow someone else’s keyboard by reaching over, saying “Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?”, unplugging the keyboard and taking it.
  • Run into the computer lab, shout “Armageddon is here!” and then calmly sit down and begin to type.