- You put your bra on backwards and it fits better
- You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
- You see a “60 Minutes” news team waiting in your office
- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
- Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
- You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party last night and there aren’t any
- Your turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city
- Your twin forgot your birthday
- You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then you realize that you don’t have a waterbed
- Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway
- Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache
- Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat
- The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard
- You wake up and your braces are locked together
- You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose
- You call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business
- Your income tax check bounces
- Your blind date turns out to be your ex
- Your pet rock snaps at you
- Your wife says “Good Morning, Bill” and your name is George
- You put both contact lenses in the same eye
Category Archives: Fun Lists
Signs That Ronald McDonald is Growing Up
- No longer signs paychecks in crayon.
- That new “Mr. Happy Meal.”
- Distinctive odor of bourbon and stale cigars at personal appearances.
- Two words: sagging buns.
- Replacing floppy red shoes with floppy black wingtips.
- Now offering “Happy Hour” Meals.
- No longer asks women if they want to see his McNuggets.
- Instead of size 46 shoe, now takes a size 62.
- Gin has replaced make-up as his nose-reddener.
- That telltale bottle of Clairol Fire Engine Red #4 in his shower.
- Seen with Jack-in-the-Box at strip clubs stuffing fries down g-strings.
- Three kids injured in unfortunate stubble incident.
- Has a McBeergut.
Rejected Motel 6 Slogans
- We’re working on that smell thing, too.
- Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
- As seen on “COPS”
- If We’d Known You Were Staying All Night, We’d Have Changed the Sheets
- Not just for nooners anymore.
- We left off the 9, but you know it’s there.
- You rented the room, now buy the video.
- Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn’t have money left over for a hooker.
- We’ll leave the Lysol for ya!
- Hey, we’re not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!
- We don’t make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*
- It’s Hookerriffic!
- Official Lodging of the 2002 Florida Marlins
- Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
- Cheap and Easy-Just Like Your Mother
- We put the “Ho” in “Motel”
Rejected Matzoh Flavors
- Peanut Butter Matzoh
- Chicken-Fried Steak Matzoh
- Gefilte Fish Matzoh
- Apple-Cinnamon Matzoh
- Cookies and Cream Matzoh
- Spearmint Matzoh
- Sun-Dried Tomato Matzoh
- Marshmallow Matzoh
- Licorice Matzoh
- Root Beer Matzoh
- Liver Matzoh
- Anchovy Matzoh
- Bubble-Gum Matzoh
- Chorizo Matzoh
- Menudo Matzoh
- Bacon Matzoh
Signs Your Psychic Is a Phony
- Keeps shaking black “crystal ball,” then saying, “Ask again later.”
- Tells you you’re going to die but doesn’t exactly know when or how.
- Every time you draw the Death card, she yells “Go Fish!”
- Looks suspiciously like that guy who fixed your muffler last week.
- Brunswick insignia on “crystal ball.”
- His idea of an “out of body experience” involves whipped cream and women’s clothing.
- Instead of a Oujia board, has a Wedgie board.
- During seance, shouts in voice of Wolfman Jack, “Milli Vanilli will be back!”
- His spoon bending requires two pliers.
- Sign in window: “As Seen on ’60 Minutes'”
- During card-reading, asks if you want to “hit” or “stand”.
- Insists that your astrological sign is “The Armadillo.”
- Psychics Magazine rates her just below fortune cookies, just above your mom.
- Repeatedly attempts to read your palm with his genitalia.
- Shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm.
- Easily fooled by ‘Can of Snakes’ gag.
- Lakers in 4.
- “Ethereal Aroma of the Kindred Spirits” effect during seance only occurs after a chili-dog lunch.
- Just keeps saying in his Mr. T voice, “My prediction: Pain!”
You’re Addicted to Your PDA When…
- You’ve caught yourself tapping buttons on your computer screen.
- When you pick up a pen or pencil you immediately notice how thick it feels.
- When using pen and paper, you have to force yourself to move your hand across the page as you write.
- Your regular handwriting includes Graffiti characters (and you don’t notice until someone else points it out).
- When asked for your business card you pull out your Palm.
- You and your dog are the only ones in your family who can hear your Palm’s alarm.
- A color screen seems like overkill.
- You own a pen that won’t write on paper.
- Your idea of an emergency kit includes a paper clip.
- You’ve used your Palm as a flashlight.
Overheard in 2999…
- “Thank you for calling Dell. All operators are currently helping other customers. You have been on hold for approximately… one… thousand… years….”
- “Senator Thurmond, your wife is on line 3.”
- “Another Christmas like this, and Amazon.com just may turn a profit!”
- “Chris White, you have been defrosted to stand judgment for the recently discovered document known as ‘The Rejected Hurricane Name List’.”
- “I found it on the Galactinet — I think it’s a picture of how humans used to reproduce.”
- “Hi, I’m Dick Clark, here to count you down into the new millennium!”
- “I did *not* have cybersex with that netbot.”
- “Okay, I’ll go over it one more time: It doesn’t really start until January 1, *3001* because…”
- “Middle East peace talks have been put on hold once again…”
- “25,000 zelgers, same as on Mars.”
- “We at NASA cannot be discouraged by this recent failure, and we are fully confident that our next manned mission to Mars will be a complete success.”
- “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of Islam…”
Offensive Wedding Behavior
- Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.
- Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.
- Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog.
- Tell people that you knew the bride before the sexchange operation.
- Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.
- Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate for a drug rehab clinic.
- As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.
- Ask the bride’s mother to give you a hand job.
- Give the bride some Bianca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm.
- Propose a toast to the bride’s nose job.
- Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from.
- Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.
- After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, “Throw your bra, throw your bra…”
- Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.
- Tell the rabbi that there’s no money to pay him, and ask if he’ll settle for stupping the bride.
- Assure the bride’s mother that the groom is “hung like a horse.”
- Return a bra which the bride left in your car.
- If there’s a hunchback at a Jewish wedding tell him that he has to wear one yarmulke on his head and another on his hump.
- When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing, “The Lady is a Tramp.”
Books We Are Not Likely To See
St. Martin’s Press had to pull a biography of US President George W. Bush off the shelves recently when they learned that the book’s
author is an ex-convict who served time in prison for ordering the fire-bombing of his boss’ car. Here now are some others that we are not likely to see:
- “The Yiddish Guide to Loving Your Neighbor” — Pat Buchanan
- “Get Out of Your Car and Walk to Work!” — Stephen King
- “Creating A Sound Future: Building a Lasting, Profitable Career in the Music Industry” — Andrew Ridgeley
- “Winners Never Quite” — Dan Quayle
- “Spiritual Enlightenment Through Poverty and Humility” — L. Ron Hubbard
- “For Better or Worse: A Guide to Keeping Your Wedding Vows” — Newt Gingrich
- “The Feminist Mystique” — Monica Lewinsky
- “The Buyers’ Guide to Experimental Aircraft” — John Denver
- “How to Find Just about Anybody Anywhere” — O.J. Simpson
- “What Up? Communicating With the Youth of Today” — Strom Thurmond
- “Mind Your Own Business! A Guide for Small Business Owners” –Linda Tripp
- “Black Like Me” — Michael Jackson
Product Warnings
- Found on Axius Sno-Off Automobile Windshield cover:
CAUTION: Never drive with the cover on your windshield. - Found a box of Tampax Tampons:
Remove used tampon before inserting a new one. - Found on a box of Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts:
WARNING: Pastry Filling May Be Hot When Heated - Found on the instruction sheet of a Conair Pro Style 1600 hair dryer:
WARNING: Do not use in shower. Never use while sleeping. - Found on Bat Man The Animated Series Armor Set Halloween costume box:
PARENT: Please exercise caution, mask and chest plate are not protective; cape does not enable wearer to fly. - Found in a television set’s owner’s manual:
Do not pour liquids into your television set. - Found on the handle of a hammer:
CAUTION: Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object - Found on a butane lighter:
WARNING: Flame may cause fire