Tag Archives: lists

Things You Should Never Say…

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  • “Don’t you have some laundry to do, or something?”
  • “No, really, I was laughing about…this joke I heard one time.”
  • “Ooh, you are so cute when you get all upset.”
  • “You’re just upset because your caboose is starting to spread.”
  • “Wait a minute, I get it… What time of the month is it?”
  • “Are you gonna cry? {Force lip to quiver mockingly} Cry for your mommy?”
  • “You sure you don’t want to consult the great Oprah on this one?”

  • “Sorry, I was just picturing you naked.”

  • “That reminds me. Next time you go to the store, could you add ‘giant cork’ to the shopping list?”
  • “Whoa, time out honey, Frasier’s back.”
  • “Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning.”
  • “Is there anyway we could do this via e-mail?”
  • “Hey baby, if I want a lecture about commitment, I can get one from my real wife.”
  • “I could so use some oral sexual stimulation right now.”
  • “Whom are you kidding? We both know that thing isn’t loaded.”

Signs You’re Not Ready for Summer

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  • Still trying to untangle the Christmas lights from the Weedwhacker.
  • The pool boy shows up with a backhoe.
  • Putting on last year’s bathing suit requires Vaseline and a shoe horn.
  • Used all your bikini wax to polish your hardwood floors during the winter.
  • Your new batch of ads featuring a pierced Joe Camel on a surfboard are three weeks behind schedule.
  • Your belly has more rolls than Sara Lee, and besides, you’re still hungover from spring break.
  • You refuse to visit any beach not personally guarded by David Hasselhoff.
  • You’re so white, even the Boston Celtics refuse you.
  • Vacation plans include a ValueJet flight to a Club Med Zaire.

  • Recent guilty verdict on all 11 counts means
    you can kiss that Summer Patriot Training Camp trip goodbye.

  • Without flood relief from slow Congress, you’re still *living* in your bass boat.
  • Despite therapy, you’re still not prepared for the coming endless airplay of “Kokomo.”
  • The sun’s reflection off your phosphorescent white skin actually damaged one of Mir’s solar panels.
  • Still confusing the George Clooney Batman with the Val Kilmer Batman.

You Know It’s Time To Diet When…

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  • You dance and it makes the band skip.
  • You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
  • You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
  • You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
  • Your driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.”
  • You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
  • You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
  • You could sell shade.
  • Your blood type is Ragu.
  • You need an appointment to attend an ‘open house’.

Why Beer is Better than Religion…

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  • No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
  • Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex.
  • Beer has never caused a major war.
  • They don’t force Beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.
  • When you have a Beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away.
  • Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
  • You don’t have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
  • There are laws saying Beer labels can’t lie to you.
  • You can prove you have a Beer.
  • If you’ve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

The ABC’s of Drinking

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  • A – Alcohol: The key to surviving college
  • B – Beer: It’s whats for dinner
  • C – Class: What you’re supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party
  • D – Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic
  • E – Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party
  • F – Fdrinking* Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
  • G – Games: Anything that involves cards, quarters and chugging beers
  • H – Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
  • I – IA: The Klan that really knows how to drink alcohol
  • J – Jail: Where you’ll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home
  • K – Kissing: What you’ll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
  • L – Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
  • M – Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying
  • N – Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don’t know
  • O – Oh shit! What you say as you’re falling down the stairs.
  • P – Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you’re drinking beer
  • Q – Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning – YUCK!
  • R – Reform: What you promise God you will do while you’re puking in the toilet
  • S – Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk
  • T – Twenty-four: The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk
  • U – Underage: Most of the drinking population in college town
  • V – Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jello
  • W – Worm: The part of Tequila that reminds you of the porcelin god
  • X – X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it (detox)
  • Y – Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end
  • Z – Zima: Zomething Different

Why Dogs are Better than Girlfriends

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  • Dogs love it when your friends come over.
  • Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.
  • Dogs think you sing great.
  • A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
  • Dogs don’t expect you to call when you’re running late. The later you are, the more excited a dog is to see you.
  • Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
  • Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
  • Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.
  • Dogs love red meat.
  • Anyone can get a good looking dog.
  • If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
  • Dogs don’t shop.
  • Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
  • A dog’s disposition stays the same throughout the entire month.
  • Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
  • A dog’s parents never visit.
  • Dogs love long car trips.
  • Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
  • Dogs understand that everything smaller than it is meant to be chased.
  • Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
  • No dog ever bought Kenny G, Yanni, or Barbra Streisand albums.
  • No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
  • Dogs never criticize.
  • Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
  • Dogs never expect gifts.
  • Dogs don’t worry about germs.
  • Dogs don’t care about or get jealous of any other dog you ever had.
  • Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet desk and the backs of your drawers.
  • Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
  • Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
  • You never have to wait for a dog. They’re always ready to go.
  • Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
  • Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.
  • Dogs aren’t catty.
  • Dogs seldom outlive you.

90’s Definitions

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  • 404
    Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the

    requested document could not be located.

  • Adminisphere
    The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the

    adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to

    solve.

  • Alpha Geek
    The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “Ask Larry, he’s the alpha

    geek around here.”

  • Beepilepsy
    The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode).

    Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-

    sentence.

  • Chips and Salsa
    Chips = hardware, salsa = software. “Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your

    salsa.”

  • Dancing Baloney
    Little animated GIFs and other Web effects that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. “This

    page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help.”

  • Depotphobia
    Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics

    geeks experience SHACKOPHOBIA.

  • Ercussive Maintenance
    The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

  • Flight Risk
    Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department

    soon.

  • Generica
    Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. “We were so lost in

    generica, I actually forgot what city we were in.”

  • Irritainment
    Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

    The O.J. trials were a prime example.

  • Oh No Second
    That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.

  • Pebcak
    Tech support shorthand for “Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard.” Techies are a frustrated, often

    arrogant lot. They’ve submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call

    them up with frighteningly stupid questions.

    Another variation on the above is ID10T: “This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.”

  • Percussive Maintenance
    The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

  • Square-Headed Girlfriend
    Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a “computer widow.”

  • Telephone Number Salary
    A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.

  • Uninstalled
    Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: “You

    have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the

    operator for assistance.” See also DECRUITMENT.

  • Vulcan Nerve Pinch
    The taxing hand position required to reach all of the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance,

    the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command

    key, the Return key and the Power On key.

  • WOOFYS
    Well Off Older Folks

  • Yuppie Food Stamps
    The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a

    meal: “We all owe $8 each, but all anybody’s got is yuppie food stamps.”

Yuppie Women

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  • Father to Yuppette’s boyfriend, who arrived to take her on a date: “She’ll be right down. Care for a game of chess ?”
  • One Yuppette to another: “He likes my company, and I just love his. I think it’s called the First Fidelity Trust.”
  • Two Yuppettes were discussing their current relationships: “At first he seemed dull and uninteresting, but when you finally get to know him, he’s downright boring.”
  • The Yuppette was considering the proposal of marriage she had just received: “Let me hear that part again where you realize you’re not half good enough for me.”
  • The Yuppette was standing on the porch, with her Mother, watching her boyfriend depart: “But Mother, I’m positive he’s been faithful to me. The seat belts never need readjusting.”
  • I have a new definition for y’all to consider. A Lesbian Yuppette is nothing more than a mannish depressive with delusions of gender.
  • So many Yuppettes seem to appreciate the quiet things in life — Like the folding of a five hundred dollar bill.
  • The Yuppette was obviously tiring of her current beau when she asked: “When people ask me what I see in you Raymond, what shall I tell them?”

  • The bored Yuppette said to her date: “I think I’ll have another drink. It makes you so witty and charming.”
  • The Yuppette was trying to reassure her lover during sex: “Of course you’re not the first man I’ve made love to. You know I think more of you than to just use you as a guinea pig.”
  • It’s easy to spot the nouveau riche Yuppettes in Columbia, Maryland. They’re the ones watering their flower beds with bottled water.
  • You’ll very seldom see a Yuppette eating a hot dog. None are certified or warranted by the Kennel Club.
  • Most Yuppette’s have no use for men who try to mess up the country’s economy by living within their income.
  • I’ve noticed the oddest behavior in most Yuppettes. The only time they won’t look in a mirror is when they’re pulling out of a parking space.
  • This phrase that most Yuppettes use — “professional woman.” I mean, come on. When’s the last time you met an “amateur” one?

Reasons Why Women are Better than Guitars

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  • Women are more fun when the power goes out
  • You can’t get your guitar wet
  • Ever try to screw a guitar?
  • The input to a guitar is only 1/4″ (ouch!)
  • A guitar won’t beg to be played
  • It’s no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it
  • When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue
  • Guitars aren’t very aggressive
  • A guitar won’t play you back
  • You need two hands to make a guitar scream
  • A guitar won’t scratch *your* back
  • A guitar won’t drive you home if you’re too drunk
  • A guitar doesn’t care who plays it
  • You can’t play two guitars at once
  • You can’t fall in love with a guitar
  • It’s a lot more fun to stretch out a woman than guitar strings.
  • Guitar lessons aren’t free and aren’t as much fun.
  • If you really *do* want little guitars, you have to buy them.
  • You can’t marry a rich guitar.
  • Even a good guitar won’t usually last a whole lifetime.
  • Guitars don’t taste very good.
  • A guitar won’t give you head.

What Men Are Like

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  • Men are like…..Coffee.
    The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.

  • Men are like…..Chocolate Bars.
    Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

  • Men are like…..Blenders.
    You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

  • Men are like…..Coolers.
    Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

  • Men are like…..Copiers.
    You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.

  • Men are like…..Curling irons.
    They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.

  • Men are like…..Government bonds.
    They take so long to mature.

  • Men are like…..High heels.
    They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

  • Men are like…..Horoscopes.
    They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

  • Men are like…..Lava lamps.
    Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

  • Men are like…..Laxatives.
    They irritate the shit out of you.

  • Men are like…..Mascara.
    They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

  • Men are like…..Mini skirts.
    If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up on your butt.

  • Men are like…..Noodles.
    They’re always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

  • Men are like…..Parking spots.
    The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

  • Men are like…..Plungers.
    They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

  • Men are like…..Popcorn.
    They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

  • Men are like…..Placemats.
    They only show up when there’s food on the table.

  • Men are like…..Snowstorms.
    You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long he will last.

  • Men are like…..Used Cars.
    Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

  • Men are like…..Vacations.
    They never seem to be long enough.

  • Men are like…..Weather
    Nothing can be done to change either one of them.