Summer Shoe Pledge

Please raise your big toes and repeat after me:

As a member of the Cute Girl Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the rules when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes.

  • I promise to always wear sandals that fit.
  • My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.
  • I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.
  • I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.
  • I will shave the hairs off my big toe.
  • I won’t wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it the real good. (NOTE: Sandalfoot pantyhose are acceptable :-))
  • If a strap breaks, I won’t duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.
  • I will not live in corn denial, rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholls if my feet need him.
  • I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids’ sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.
  • I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.
  • If I have been privvy to the magic that is Foot Soup, I will share that knowledge and experience with the non-initiated.
  • I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet look good.

It is So Dry in Arizona That…

  • The cows are giving evaporated milk.
  • The trees are whistling for the dogs.
  • You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
  • You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
  • You can make instant sun tea.
  • You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
  • The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
  • You know the best parking place is in the shade, not distance from the door.
  • Your biggest fear in the case of a wreck is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
  • A sad native prayed in Church today, “Please, God, let it rain – not so much for me, cuz I’ve seen it – but for my 7-year-old.”
  • A visitor once asked, “Does it ever rain in Arizona?”
    A rancher quickly answered, “Yes, it does. Do you remember in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?”
    The visitor replied, “Yes, I’m familiar with Noah’s flood.”
    “Well,” the rancher puffed up, “We got about two and a half inches of that.”

You Know It’s Hot Outside When…

  • You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
  • Your computer won’t work unless it has it’s own AC blowing on it.
  • Hot air balloons can’t go up, because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.
  • Airplanes can’t land because the asphalt is too soft.
  • You discover that it only takes two fingers to drive your car.
  • The swans in the park come in “original recipe” and “extra crispy.”
  • Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
  • The strawberries are ripe and the cab drivers are riper.
  • Your pool water starts to boil in the sun.
  • The hot-dogs sold outside Yankee Stadium are actually hot.
  • Pigs complain about sweating like fat humans.
  • A scalding hot shower still cools you down.
  • You’ve been getting hot flashes, and you’re a man.
  • People walking down the sidewalk spontaneously burst into flames.
  • A $20 surcharge is added to your bill when you eat at air-conditioned restaurants.
  • The politicians take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves.
  • You need a spatula to remove your clothing.
  • When the beer gut and big butt don’t keep you from wearing shorts.
  • You wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather.
  • You ask your boss for extra work so you can be in the air conditioning as much as possible.
  • You are sweating in both directions — up and down!
  • Lawyers kill themselves because they know it’s cooler in Hell.
  • It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving on the streets.
  • Sunscreen is sold at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just to go shopping.
  • You burn your hand opening the car door.
  • You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
  • You are sitting inside reading these jokes.
  • Your brother’s braces make blisters on his lips.

Signs You’re Not Ready for Summer

  • Still trying to untangle the Christmas lights from the Weedwhacker.
  • The pool boy shows up with a backhoe.
  • Putting on last year’s bathing suit requires Vaseline and a shoe horn.
  • Used all your bikini wax to polish your hardwood floors during the winter.
  • Your new batch of ads featuring a pierced Joe Camel on a surfboard are three weeks behind schedule.
  • Your belly has more rolls than Sara Lee, and besides, you’re still hungover from spring break.
  • You refuse to visit any beach not personally guarded by David Hasselhoff.
  • You’re so white, even the Boston Celtics refuse you.
  • Vacation plans include a ValueJet flight to a Club Med Zaire.
  • Recent guilty verdict on all 11 counts means
    you can kiss that Summer Patriot Training Camp trip goodbye.
  • Without flood relief from slow Congress, you’re still *living* in your bass boat.
  • Despite therapy, you’re still not prepared for the coming endless airplay of “Kokomo.”
  • The sun’s reflection off your phosphorescent white skin actually damaged one of Mir’s solar panels.
  • Still confusing the George Clooney Batman with the Val Kilmer Batman.