Designated Decoy

Saturday Morning, 2:00 am

Early Saturday morning a policeman waited across the street from a popular bar, hoping for a nail a drunken driver, possibly preventing a tragic accident.

At closing time the patrons came out and the officer spotted his potential quarry. One man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. “This equipment must be broken!” he exclaimed.

“I doubt it,” said the man, “Tonight I am the designated decoy!”

The ABC’s of Drinking

  • A – Alcohol: The key to surviving college
  • B – Beer: It’s whats for dinner
  • C – Class: What you’re supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party
  • D – Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic
  • E – Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party
  • F – Fdrinking* Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
  • G – Games: Anything that involves cards, quarters and chugging beers
  • H – Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
  • I – IA: The Klan that really knows how to drink alcohol
  • J – Jail: Where you’ll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home
  • K – Kissing: What you’ll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
  • L – Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
  • M – Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying
  • N – Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don’t know
  • O – Oh shit! What you say as you’re falling down the stairs.
  • P – Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you’re drinking beer
  • Q – Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning – YUCK!
  • R – Reform: What you promise God you will do while you’re puking in the toilet
  • S – Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk
  • T – Twenty-four: The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk
  • U – Underage: Most of the drinking population in college town
  • V – Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jello
  • W – Worm: The part of Tequila that reminds you of the porcelin god
  • X – X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it (detox)
  • Y – Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end
  • Z – Zima: Zomething Different

5 Levels of Drinking

  • Level One
    It’s 11:00 on a weeknight, you’ve had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at Level One you think to yourself, “Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I’m cool.”.
  • Level Two
    It’s midnight. You’ve had a few more beers. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at Level Two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you’re thinking, “Hey! I’m out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I’m cool”.
  • Level Three
    One in the morning. You’ve abandoned beer for tequila. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you’re thinking, “Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen!” At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies (like, “Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live
    together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.”) But at Level Three, that devil is a little bit bigger….and he’s buying. And you’re thinking “Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep…and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I’m cool”.

  • Level Four
    Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don’t like his face! And now you’re thinking, “Our busboy is the best looking man I’ve ever seen.” You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an…. after hours bar. And here, at Level Four, you actually think to yourself, “Well….as long as I’m only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well….STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That’d be good for me. I don’t mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I’ll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow … cool.”.
  • Level Five
    Five in the morning. After unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor (“But I don’t even know anybody named Ruby!!!”), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as…that morning. It’s the kind of place where even the devil is going, “Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I’ve got that brunch with Hitler, I can’t miss that.” At this point, you’re all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, “Someday I’m gonna marry that girl!!” One of your friends stands up and screams, “WE’RE DRIVIN’ TO FLORIDA!!!!!”- and passes out. You crawl outside for air,and then you hit the worst part of Level Five — the sun.

    You weren’t expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you – and they know. And they say…”Who’s Ruby?”

    Let’s be honest, if you’re 19 and you stay up all night, it’s like a victory like you’ve beat the night, but if you’re over 30, then that sun is like God’s flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, “I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!” And some of us have that little addition, “and this time, I mean it!”