Designated Decoy

Saturday Morning, 2:00 am

Early Saturday morning a policeman waited across the street from a popular bar, hoping for a nail a drunken driver, possibly preventing a tragic accident.

At closing time the patrons came out and the officer spotted his potential quarry. One man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. “This equipment must be broken!” he exclaimed.

“I doubt it,” said the man, “Tonight I am the designated decoy!”

Bowsy-Wowsy!

A gay guy goes into a bar and asks in an effete voice, “Can I have a beer please?”

“We don’t serve your types in here,” says the butch barman.

“Serve me or I’ll bring my fierce German Shepherd in here,” says the gay guy.

The barman laughs his head off.

The gay guy comes back in with a truly magnificent German Shepherd. “Let him have it, Cyril!” he orders.

Cyril puts his front paws on the bar and barks, “Bowsy-wowsy!”

The Bar Joke System

Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time).

They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled “21” and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled “34” and another roar of laughter rose up. Phil, confused about this asked his friend “Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out?”

His friend said, “Well, we’ve been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number.”

Phil nodded and said “Can I try?” His friend nodded and Phil called out “121” and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn’t die down for at least another 15 minutes after.

“Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?” Phil asked.

His friend said with a small chuckle, “We haven’t heard that one before.”

At Warshowski’s Bar

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, “Yeah, that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.”

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from, there’s this place, Warshowski’s. At Warshowski’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”

“Wow!” said the other two.

“That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”

“No,” he replied, “but it happened to my sister!”