- Wake up in a happy mooo-d.
- Don’t cry over spilled milk.
- When chewing your cud, remember: There’s no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!
- The grass is green on the other side of the fence.
- Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.
- Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!
- It’s better to be seen and not herd.
- Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.
- Never take any bull from anybody.
- Always let them know who’s the bossy.
- Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.
- Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.
- Don’t forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.
Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Corporate America
- Indecision is the key to flexibility.
- The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
- Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
- Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
- I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
- One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
- Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
- The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize it’s a do-it-yourself thing.
All I Need to Know I Learned from My Computer
- Share all your executables.
- Pay for your shareware.
- Don’t hit the computer.
- Back up files after you have found them.
- Clean up your own messy desktop.
- Don’t copy software that is not yours.
- Make a smiley when you send someone a nasty message.
- Wash your hands before you type.
- Flush your buffers.
- M & Ms and a cold can of Coke are good for you.
- Live a student’s life–learn some and think some and MacDraw and IPaint and Readnews and play Tetris and hack every day some.
- Take a break every two hours from staring at the terminal.
- When you go out in the world, watch out for network traffic, hold connections and stick together.
- Be aware of wonder. Remember the little bytes in the chip: The code goes in and the graphics come out and nobody really knows how or why, but computers are all like that.
- Pets and Lisas and DN350s and even the little bytes in the chip all die. So do we.
- And then remember the Computer Reference Manuals and the first command you learned–the biggest command of all–Quit.
All I Need to Know About Life I Learned by Drinking Coffee
- I am productive! I am productive! I am productive!
- Better latte than never.
- A day without coffee is like night…you sleep through it.
- We all have to do the daily grind.
- Espresso yourself.
- Automatic drip defines most people’s personalities.
- Stand your grounds.
- If the spoon doesn’t dissolve, it ain’t coffee.
- I love the caffeine; it’s the rich taste I could do without.
- Don’t stop till you’re shaking.
- Impatience is a virtue.
- Take two cups and call me in the middle of the night.
- Who needs sleep when you’ve got coffee?
- There’s no rest for the caffeinated.
- Decaf is for sissies.
- Man cannot live by coffee alone – donuts are pretty essential too.
- There is no such thing as a free refill.
- It’s okay to be full of beans sometimes.
All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned from Blake’s 7
Note – Blake’s 7 was a British science fiction series from the late 70’s to early 80’s. It was created by Terry Nation, noted for creating the Daleks for Dr. Who.
- Trust is only dangerous when you have to rely on it.
- Reality is a dangerous concept.
- There is no logical reason why aliens should be hairy.
- I am not stupid, I’m not expendable, and I’m not going.
- No good deed goes unpunished.
- It is frequently easier to be honest when you have nothing to lose.
- Civilization has always depended on courtesy rather than truth.
- On Earth it is considered ill-mannered to kill your friends while committing suicide.
- The art of leadership is delegation.
- All that patience gets you is older.
- Show me someone who believes in something, and I will show you a fool.
- Regret is part of being alive — but keep it a small part.
- He who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken.
- Infallibility depends on your point of view.
- There are times when even the most cynical must trust in luck.
- Heroics seldom run to schedule.
- Dignity, at all costs, dignity.
- The choice is very simple — either you can fight, or you can die.
- In the end, winning is the only safety.
- Power usually makes its own rules.
- Some days are better than others, Section Leader.
- It is not necessary to become irrational in order to prove that one cares; indeed, it is not necessary to prove it at all.
- While there’s life, there’s threat.
- Luck has nothing to do with it.
- Strategic withdrawl is running away, but with dignity.
- Idealism is a wonderful thing; all you really need is someone rational to put it to proper use.
- Nobody is indispensible.
- Everyone’s entitled to one really bad mistake.
- In the end, your word is all there is, really.
- There are other rules, but you’ll find out what those are when you break them.
All I Need to Know About Birthdays I Learned from My Cat!
- Be finicky – they’ll try harder to please you.
- Give attitude – get attention.
- If you don’t like your presents, SULK.
- If you get bored at your party – just curl up for a nap.
- Don’t stress out over your first grey whisker.
- Act completely unimpressed by the presents you receive.
- Remember, this is your day, so if anyone bugs you, you’re allowed to hiss and spit.
- Take the day off and lie in the sun.
- Stay out on the prowl all night long.
- Demand only the most expensive fresh fish for dinner.
- It’s a good day to shed your inhibitions.
- Act catty – toy with your presents before you tear them open.
- Don’t overdo it with the catnip or you’ll regret it in the morning.
- If you aren’t getting enough attention, sharpen your claws on somebody’s leg.
- Don’t let anything or anyone PUT YOU OUT!
- And remember…curiosity might kill you, but birthdays won’t!
All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from My Bible
- Miracles happen
- Somebody loves me
- I am not alone
- The majority isn’t always right
- Wonderful things happen in dungeons
- Death is only skin deep
- Poverty is temporary and so is wealth
- He who dies with the most toys loses the most toys
- You can always go home again
- Things will look better in three days
- I always have at least one friend that is closer than a brother
- Family is everywhere
- There is always something good to look forward to
All I Need to Know About Life I Learned by Watching Invasion of the Bee Girls
Forget the Bible or Little House on the Prairie, if you want to learn the REALLY important lessons in life, watch “Invasion of the Bee Girls”, a seventies film about a powerful cosmic force that turns Earth women into queen bees who kill men by wearing them out sexually. For those poor deprived creatures who can’t get access to this cinematic delight, here are the vitally important lessons to be learned:
- It isn’t true that men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
- Flares never go out of fashion.
- If it’s covered in flashing lights, it is guaranteed to ruin any villain’s dastardly plan. (Someone should tell the UN about this: one disgruntled office worker with good security clearance and a large wrench and Osama could be history in less than five minutes.)
- Flash your tits at any male and they will happily buy you dinner, give you any confidential files vital to the security of Earth and let you murder them.
- Only evil women have orgasms or become lesbians.
- Staggeringly good looking women are naturally attracted to hideous, chauvinistic men.
- Scientists are irredeemably horny, unless they’re female in which case they are frigid until injected with bee DNA.
- The more nonsensical the scientific theory, the more likely it is to be true.
- People who live in small towns are very, very depraved.
- Never sleep with someone who makes loud buzzing noises.
- Real breasts sag.
All I Need to Know About Life I Learned By Shopping
- Get it now. Tomorrow it might be gone.
- If it’s on sale, you need it.
- Never ask your mother her opinion.
- You can always take it back.
- You’ll grow into it.
- By the time you need it, you’ll lose ten pounds.
- Never believe anyone who says, “It’s really you”.
- If they’re working on commission, they’re lying.
- Know when to yell, “Charge!”
- So many malls, so little time.
- If you put it on your credit card, it’s not really spending money.
- Always try to spend someone else’s money first.
- There’s no such thing as compulsive shopping, just enthusiastic shopping.
- Shopping is patriotic. It’s good for the economy.
- If you’ve still got checks, there must be money in the account.
- You can always get more credit.
- If you want it, you deserve it.
All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from My Cat
- Life is hard and then you nap.
- Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours
- Variety is the spice of life: One day ignore people, the next day annoy them and play with them when they’re busy.
- When in doubt, cop an attitude.
- Climb your way to the top — that’s why the drapes are there.
- Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone’s face.
- Make your mark in the world — or at least spray in each corner.
- When you go out into the world, always remember, being placed on a pedestal is a right, not a privilege.
- Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, “I care.”