Forget the Bible or Little House on the Prairie, if you want to learn the REALLY important lessons in life, watch “Invasion of the Bee Girls”, a seventies film about a powerful cosmic force that turns Earth women into queen bees who kill men by wearing them out sexually. For those poor deprived creatures who can’t get access to this cinematic delight, here are the vitally important lessons to be learned:

• It isn’t true that men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
• Flares never go out of fashion.
• If it’s covered in flashing lights, it is guaranteed to ruin any villain’s dastardly plan. (Someone should tell the UN about this: one disgruntled office worker with good security clearance and a large wrench and Osama could be history in less than five minutes.)
• Flash your tits at any male and they will happily buy you dinner, give you any confidential files vital to the security of Earth and let you murder them.
• Only evil women have orgasms or become lesbians.
• Staggeringly good looking women are naturally attracted to hideous, chauvinistic men.
• Scientists are irredeemably horny, unless they’re female in which case they are frigid until injected with bee DNA.
• The more nonsensical the scientific theory, the more likely it is to be true.
• People who live in small towns are very, very depraved.
• Never sleep with someone who makes loud buzzing noises.
• Real breasts sag.